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Shaggy Dog Story No. 14 - The Hallowe'en Story Photo by John Haslam. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons 2.0 Attribution license. Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, were vacationing in Europe. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway near Transylvania. It was late at night and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control. Bob attempts to control the car but to no avail. The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. In a daze he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious with her head bleeding. Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks. Several minutes pass. Finally, a small hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill and this is my wife, Betty. We've been in a terrible accident and my wife has been seriously hurt. May I please use your phone?" "I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor so come in and I will get him." Bob brings Betty into the house. An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor. I am a scientist. It is many miles to the nearest clinic and I have had a basic medical training so I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory." With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs. Bob follows closely behind. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more. The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. He trudges up the steps to his conservatory, which houses his majestic grand piano. It is here that he has always found solace in times of trouble. He begins to play and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house. Meanwhile, Igor is down in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. He watches with amazement as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat. Then Betty and Bob both sit up straight. Igor is beside himself. He dashes up the stairs to the conservatory, bursts into the room, and shouts: "Master, Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music!" ---o0o--- |
The IRS Audit "I'm a great gambler and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?" The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. Go ahead." Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye." The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet." Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye." Now, the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The auditor is shaken down to his boots when realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He's nervous. "Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between." The twice burned auditor, is understandably cautious now. But he decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt. He agrees to the bet. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants. Although he strains mightily, he can't reach the wastebasket on the other side. He pees all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. "Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it." ---o0o--- |