President Bush's new Press Secretary Tony Snow lambasts Bush "off the record"

WASHINGTON, DC—With an administration in shambles, hounded by criminal allegations, a plunge in approval ratings that shows no signs of ending, and bi-partisan calls for the resignations of various cabinet members and advisors, the President this week named Tony Snow of Fox TV and radio, as his Press Secretary/Spokesman. The choice is considered both odd and bold by many Beltway insiders.

An anonymous White House source disclosed to us that the night before Snow's appointment was announced, he lambasted Bush and his henchmen at a private party celebrating his ascension to the White House.

"Look around the White House, " Snow told his friends, "Rumsfeld, Rice, Rove and Cheney are crippled! They've been shunted off into the shadows. The President is showing signs of battle fatigue. And worse. And you guys ask why I'd want this job! With this gang of f***-ups, I'll practically BE President! How could I miss that? On the Q.T., and I mean don't even tell your wives, Bush is a basket case. They just shuffle him in and he reads the TelePrompTer as best he can. It doesn't matter if he agrees or understands it or not. That's no longer an issue. He is no longer a functioning member of the government. And let's face it, he wasn't all that swift to begin with. You still ask why I'd do this? OK. Yeah, I'm losing a million or so a year. It's not like I won't make that up the first month after I leave office. But most importantly, I can basically run this f***ing country. And the rest of these sycophants, ass-kissers, and thugs can't say jack s**t. They're so petrified they'll be the next on the chopping block that I can do whatever the f*** I want! Whatever I say becomes White House policy and none of these fools, cowering in their offices with their lawyers and shrinks will dare make a peep."

Snow also told his assembled friends "I can't tell you everything, but some of the stuff I've been hearing about Bush would shred your minds. He makes Captain Queeg look rational. As Huxley said 'In the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.' Well, pals, I have two fine f***ing peepers. This is gonna be a sweet f***ing ride."
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