Why I won't run for President

By Jack Brummet
Social Mores Editor

Because of my past
Because of my present
Because who knows what might come out
Because I will say almost anything for a laugh
Because who has the time to raise $200 million
Because I would work to repeal the 2nd amendment
Because I would also work to repeal the 22nd amendment
Because most planks of my platform begins "mass involuntary ________"
Because I would order mandatory music at least five hours a day
Because we could never build enough holding tanks, prisons, camps, and islands of exile. . .

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