---o0o---
Friday, December 21, 2012
Poem: A touch of evil
By Jack Brummet
Darkness, once eliminated
furtively obtrudes again.
Does the wind blow
Does the wind blow
over the earth,
or does it blow
under heaven?
---o0o---
Faces No. 343 - Armageddon Eve
By Jack Brummet
[Sharpie, pencil, and pen and India Ink on rough watercolor paper]
[Sharpie, pencil, and pen and India Ink on rough watercolor paper]
click to enlarge
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Thursday, December 20, 2012
Ashleigh Brilliant on fingertips, and self-determination
---o0o---
Santa Claus (1959, directed by René Cardona)
By Jack Brummet, Film Editor
Santa Claus (1959) appears on many worst movies ever lists. "Santa works in outer space and does battle with a demon sent to Earth by Lucifer to ruin Christmas by killing Santa and "making all the children of the Earth do evil." Mystery Science Theater 3000, of course, did a send up of this film.
Santa Claus (1959) appears on many worst movies ever lists. "Santa works in outer space and does battle with a demon sent to Earth by Lucifer to ruin Christmas by killing Santa and "making all the children of the Earth do evil." Mystery Science Theater 3000, of course, did a send up of this film.
click to enlarge
---o0o---
ATIT Reheated - A compendium of hand gestures: The finger, the wanker, the cuckoo sign, the shocker, rock horns, the shaka sign, and more
By Mona Goldwater, Signs and Hand Gestures Editor
Click to enlarge. Vice-President Rockefeller gives the finger to a
group of hecklers.
The finger - (e.g., "giving" someone the finger), is an highly popular hand gesture made by extending the middle finger of the hand while bending the other fingers at the second knuckle. It's can perhaps be a softer way of saying "f*** you". In other countries, the OK sign means the same thing. President Bush can be seen in the montage below, performing the gesture. The finger can be extremely hostile, or, among friends, it can just be another way of saying "yeah, right."
This variant was sent by Mark Yeend,
who called it the "fake flip off"
________________________________________________
The Bent Elbow is a theatrical, Italian version of The Finger, and is sometimes combined with the finger. In Italian it is known as the gesto dell'ombrello, meaning "the umbrella gesture." It is typically used two ways: 1) to answer "no way!" in an extremely emphatical (and quite vulgar) way, and 2) after a triumph against some unfair enemy, with a sense of revenge.
________________________________________________
The Sssshhh sign... (Thanks to Mark Yeend)
________________________________________________
The Fig sign - The sign of the fig is a highly insulting hand gesture used, so far as I know, only in Italy (perhaps in other places, too.) It is made by making a fist, with thethumb inserted between the index and middle fingers. The gesture allegedly represents the female genitalia, although I really don't see the resemblance. . .
________________________________________________
The cuckoo sign. A hard sign to illustrate, because it is active. It is used to indicate a person in the room is unbalanced. Kids sometimes use it in a sort of rebus: You (pointing toward a person) + drive (gesture showing two hands moving a steering wheel) + me (point toward self) + crazy (the cuckoo sign). Normally, the gesture is made by pointing your index finger at your head and tracing circles with the finger. It's a little bit old school, and you don't see it much anymore.
________________________________________________
The beckoning sign. Another active sign. The "come here" gesture. You hold your fist clenched. The finger moves repeatedly towards the gesturer (in a hook) as to draw something closer. It is normally seen as condescending because it is a command. It is sometimes performed with the four fingers, or the entire hand.
________________________________________________
The blah blah sign /the yak yak gesture. The fingers are kept straight and together in a horizontal fashion while the thumb is held out straight. The fingers and thumb then snap together repeatedly to suggest a mouth talking. Sort of like a duck's mouth. It is used to indicate that a person is pointlessly flapping their gums.
________________________________________________
The time out sign. Used in sporting events, and sometimes in normal conversation. In conversation it can mean "let's take a break," "please quite talking about this," or "stop arguing."
________________________________________________
The benediction sign. Used by pontiffs and emperors (and, I think, Priests) as a blessing sign. Click on this link to see the Benediction gesture, on a coin of Emperor Constantine.
________________________________________________
Crossed fingers - Crossing the first two fingers is a good luck sign around the world, mainly, however, in Christian countries. One theory posits that when Christianity was illegal, the crossing of fingers was a secret sign for Christians to recognise each other. The gesture sometimes is used to negate something spoken (if you tell someone "you look fabulous" with your fingers crossed, you were probably not telling the truth).
________________________________________________
Rock horns/hook 'em horns/devil horns
________________________________________________
The OK sign
________________________________________________
The shaka sign is the "hang loose" gesture. It is similar to American Sign Language letter "Y", where a fist is also made with only the thumb and pinky extended. The sign is often followed by waving as a greeting or acknowledgement--"thanks for letting me on the freeway!"
________________________________________________
Call me. These days it might be a gesture you make to someone across the floor of a nightclub.
________________________________________________
Thumbs up
________________________________________________
Thumbs down - We think--from watching all those Cecil B. DeMille style sand and sandals epics--that the thumbs down gesture means "kill him!" In fact, scholars just aren't sure whether the gesture means kill him, or spare him...thumbs down meaning, "no, spare him," and thumbs up meaning "yes, kill him!"
________________________________________________
The stop gesture - In the U.S., this is the stop gesture. In Greece, however, it has a slightly different meaning: "I rub feces in your face!"
________________________________________________
The Vulcan salute ("live long and prosper").
________________________________________________
The wanker sign. . .I probably don't need to explain this one.
________________________________________________
Biting the thumb at anyone was once a mark of contempt, usually designed to provoke a quarrel. . .it also means to defy. ``Do you bite your thumb at us?'' -Wm. Shakespeare
________________________________________________
The choke sign - The gesture refers to someone or something "choking" in the sense of failing under pressure. It generally refers to someone involved in an athletic event, althought I have heard it used in the business world too.
________________________________________________
The cutthroat sign is usually used for one of two things: to warn someone to quit talking or suffer the consequences. Or to say "He's a dead man."
________________________________________________
The Bang Bang, or, gun sign
________________________________________________
nose thumbing/queen anne's fan - This is a mild mocking gesture.
________________________________________________
The shocker - A sexually-charged, gesture in which the ring finger and thumb are curled down, with the other fingers extended. The index and middle fingers touch, and the back of the hand faces away from the gesturer. The gesture refers to the act of inserting the index and middle fingers into a vagina and the pinky finger into the nearby exit apperture (the "shocker"). The shocker is sometimes considered vulgar. Did I just write sometimes? There are dozens of rhyming phrases for this gesture, like "Two in the pink, one in the stink."
________________________________________________
The gag me sign - This is the only photo I could find of this gesture. I'm not sure, but the gesture may have originated with "Valley Speak," the idion of the kids of the San Fernando Valley. I do remember the Valley Speak phrase "gag me with a spoon." I'm sure this gesture was around along before the 80s.
________________________________________________
Victory Sign - V for victory. A lot of us remember this as being one of Sir Winston Churchill's signatures. In this photo, President Richard Nixon used the sign at the moment of his greatest disgrace. . .he was leaving Washington D.C., having resigned the Presidency. Moments after this 'chopper took off, Gerald Ford became President and Nixon landed later that day in California, as a civilian.
________________________________________________
Let's get high - Tommy Chong in a vidcap from The Tonight Show with Jay Leno demonstrates this gesture.
Click to enlarge. Vice-President Rockefeller gives the finger to a
group of hecklers.
The finger - (e.g., "giving" someone the finger), is an highly popular hand gesture made by extending the middle finger of the hand while bending the other fingers at the second knuckle. It's can perhaps be a softer way of saying "f*** you". In other countries, the OK sign means the same thing. President Bush can be seen in the montage below, performing the gesture. The finger can be extremely hostile, or, among friends, it can just be another way of saying "yeah, right."
This variant was sent by Mark Yeend,
who called it the "fake flip off"
________________________________________________
The Bent Elbow is a theatrical, Italian version of The Finger, and is sometimes combined with the finger. In Italian it is known as the gesto dell'ombrello, meaning "the umbrella gesture." It is typically used two ways: 1) to answer "no way!" in an extremely emphatical (and quite vulgar) way, and 2) after a triumph against some unfair enemy, with a sense of revenge.
________________________________________________
The Sssshhh sign... (Thanks to Mark Yeend)
________________________________________________
The Fig sign - The sign of the fig is a highly insulting hand gesture used, so far as I know, only in Italy (perhaps in other places, too.) It is made by making a fist, with thethumb inserted between the index and middle fingers. The gesture allegedly represents the female genitalia, although I really don't see the resemblance. . .
________________________________________________
The cuckoo sign. A hard sign to illustrate, because it is active. It is used to indicate a person in the room is unbalanced. Kids sometimes use it in a sort of rebus: You (pointing toward a person) + drive (gesture showing two hands moving a steering wheel) + me (point toward self) + crazy (the cuckoo sign). Normally, the gesture is made by pointing your index finger at your head and tracing circles with the finger. It's a little bit old school, and you don't see it much anymore.
________________________________________________
The beckoning sign. Another active sign. The "come here" gesture. You hold your fist clenched. The finger moves repeatedly towards the gesturer (in a hook) as to draw something closer. It is normally seen as condescending because it is a command. It is sometimes performed with the four fingers, or the entire hand.
________________________________________________
The blah blah sign /the yak yak gesture. The fingers are kept straight and together in a horizontal fashion while the thumb is held out straight. The fingers and thumb then snap together repeatedly to suggest a mouth talking. Sort of like a duck's mouth. It is used to indicate that a person is pointlessly flapping their gums.
________________________________________________
The time out sign. Used in sporting events, and sometimes in normal conversation. In conversation it can mean "let's take a break," "please quite talking about this," or "stop arguing."
________________________________________________
The benediction sign. Used by pontiffs and emperors (and, I think, Priests) as a blessing sign. Click on this link to see the Benediction gesture, on a coin of Emperor Constantine.
________________________________________________
Crossed fingers - Crossing the first two fingers is a good luck sign around the world, mainly, however, in Christian countries. One theory posits that when Christianity was illegal, the crossing of fingers was a secret sign for Christians to recognise each other. The gesture sometimes is used to negate something spoken (if you tell someone "you look fabulous" with your fingers crossed, you were probably not telling the truth).
________________________________________________
Rock horns/hook 'em horns/devil horns
________________________________________________
The OK sign
________________________________________________
The shaka sign is the "hang loose" gesture. It is similar to American Sign Language letter "Y", where a fist is also made with only the thumb and pinky extended. The sign is often followed by waving as a greeting or acknowledgement--"thanks for letting me on the freeway!"
________________________________________________
Call me. These days it might be a gesture you make to someone across the floor of a nightclub.
________________________________________________
Thumbs up
________________________________________________
Thumbs down - We think--from watching all those Cecil B. DeMille style sand and sandals epics--that the thumbs down gesture means "kill him!" In fact, scholars just aren't sure whether the gesture means kill him, or spare him...thumbs down meaning, "no, spare him," and thumbs up meaning "yes, kill him!"
________________________________________________
The stop gesture - In the U.S., this is the stop gesture. In Greece, however, it has a slightly different meaning: "I rub feces in your face!"
________________________________________________
The Vulcan salute ("live long and prosper").
________________________________________________
The wanker sign. . .I probably don't need to explain this one.
________________________________________________
Biting the thumb at anyone was once a mark of contempt, usually designed to provoke a quarrel. . .it also means to defy. ``Do you bite your thumb at us?'' -Wm. Shakespeare
________________________________________________
The choke sign - The gesture refers to someone or something "choking" in the sense of failing under pressure. It generally refers to someone involved in an athletic event, althought I have heard it used in the business world too.
________________________________________________
The cutthroat sign is usually used for one of two things: to warn someone to quit talking or suffer the consequences. Or to say "He's a dead man."
________________________________________________
The Bang Bang, or, gun sign
________________________________________________
nose thumbing/queen anne's fan - This is a mild mocking gesture.
________________________________________________
The shocker - A sexually-charged, gesture in which the ring finger and thumb are curled down, with the other fingers extended. The index and middle fingers touch, and the back of the hand faces away from the gesturer. The gesture refers to the act of inserting the index and middle fingers into a vagina and the pinky finger into the nearby exit apperture (the "shocker"). The shocker is sometimes considered vulgar. Did I just write sometimes? There are dozens of rhyming phrases for this gesture, like "Two in the pink, one in the stink."
________________________________________________
The gag me sign - This is the only photo I could find of this gesture. I'm not sure, but the gesture may have originated with "Valley Speak," the idion of the kids of the San Fernando Valley. I do remember the Valley Speak phrase "gag me with a spoon." I'm sure this gesture was around along before the 80s.
________________________________________________
Victory Sign - V for victory. A lot of us remember this as being one of Sir Winston Churchill's signatures. In this photo, President Richard Nixon used the sign at the moment of his greatest disgrace. . .he was leaving Washington D.C., having resigned the Presidency. Moments after this 'chopper took off, Gerald Ford became President and Nixon landed later that day in California, as a civilian.
________________________________________________
Let's get high - Tommy Chong in a vidcap from The Tonight Show with Jay Leno demonstrates this gesture.
---o0o---
Copyright (C) 2012 by All This Is That. All This Is That contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make these materials available to advance the understanding of political, economic, literary, artistic, and social issues. In some cases we satirize, parody, or lampoon materials from other sources. We believe this constitutes a 'fair use' of copyrighted material as provided for by section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit for research, educational, and entertainment purposes. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', please read and follow our Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 license and attribute the work to All This Is That, along with our URL (http://jackbrummet.blogspot.com).
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
The punk rock advent calendar (free)
By Mona Goldwater, Christmas Editor
This advent calendar is much like a regular advent calendar. You open a window and out pops a treat. Open the window, and instead of getting a piece of waxy milk chocolate, you get to download a free Christmas song. Of course, it's a mixed bag, but there are some gems in there. Check out the website here.
This advent calendar is much like a regular advent calendar. You open a window and out pops a treat. Open the window, and instead of getting a piece of waxy milk chocolate, you get to download a free Christmas song. Of course, it's a mixed bag, but there are some gems in there. Check out the website here.
---o0o---
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Faces No. 342 - The faculty meeting
By Jack Brummet
[pencil and sharpie on 24"x24" surplus muslin drawcloth]
[pencil and sharpie on 24"x24" surplus muslin drawcloth]
---o0o---
Monday, December 17, 2012
All This Is That grants their 11th halo to Joe Scarborough
By Pablo Fanque, National Affairs Editor
I've always liked Joe Scarborough. We agree on virtually no political issues. But last night, he did the big turnabout, as Lord Buckley would say. This four-term, conservative congressman turned pundit (and host of Morning Joe, one of the best poltical shows on television), who was rated 100% by the NRA, broke ranks. We're sending an All This Is That Halo to Joe:
Copyright (C) 2012 by All This Is That. All This Is That contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make these materials available to advance the understanding of political, economic, literary, artistic, and social issues. In some cases we satirize, parody, or lampoon materials from other sources. We believe this constitutes a 'fair use' of copyrighted material as provided for by section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit for research, educational, and entertainment purposes. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', please read and follow our Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 license and attribute the work to All This Is That, along with our URL (http://jackbrummet.blogspot.com).
I've always liked Joe Scarborough. We agree on virtually no political issues. But last night, he did the big turnabout, as Lord Buckley would say. This four-term, conservative congressman turned pundit (and host of Morning Joe, one of the best poltical shows on television), who was rated 100% by the NRA, broke ranks. We're sending an All This Is That Halo to Joe:
Today, we as a nation grieve. Today, we as a people feel helpless. Helpless to stop these random acts of violence that seem to be getting less random by the day.
It may the geographic proximity of Newtown to my hometown, or the fact my children's ages average those of the 20 young children tragically killed on Friday, or the fact my second son has Aspergers, or the fact that too many other facts associated with Friday's nightmare strike so close to home. that for me, there is no escaping the horrors visited upon the children and teachers of Sandy Hook.
The events that occurred in a short, violent outburst on Friday, December 14, 2012, were so evil that no words that I know of have yet been invented to sufficiently describe the horror experienced by 20 precious first grade students, their heroic principal, their anguished parents or the shocked New England town that will never be the same.
There is no way to capture the final moments of these children's short lives or the loss and helplessness their parents must feel today. There is nothing they can do, there is nothing any of us can do, to ease their pain this morning, or to cause these little children to run back into the loving arms of their family members this Christmas season.
Soon, we will watch the burials of these babies. We will hold up their parents in prayer. And we will hold our own children tighter as we thank God every afternoon watching them walk off their school bus and into our arms.
But every American must know - from this day forward - that nothing can ever be the same again.
We have said this before: after Columbine, after Arizona, after Aurora, after so many other numbing hours of murder and of massacre.
But let this be out true landmark; let Newtown be the hour after which, in the words of the New Testament, we did all we could to make all things new.
Politicians can no longer be allowed to defend the status quo. They must instead be forced to protect our children.
Parents can no longer take "No" for an answer from Washington when the topic turns to protecting children.
The violence we see spreading from shopping malls in Oregon, to movie theaters in Colorado, to college campuses in Virginia, to elementary schools in Connecticut, is being spawned by the toxic brew of a violent pop culture, a growing mental health crisis and the proliferation of combat-styled guns.
Though entrenched special interests will try to muddy the issues, the cause of these sickening mass shootings is no longer a mystery to common-sense Americans. And blessedly, there are more common-sense Americans than there are special interests, even if it doesn't always seem that way. Good luck to the gun lobbyist or Hollywood lawyer who tries to blunt the righteous anger of ten million parents by hiding behind a twisted reading of our Bill of Rights.
Our government rightly obsesses day and night over how to prevent the next 9/11 from being launched from a cave in Afghanistan or a training base in Yemen. But perhaps now is the time to begin obsessing over how to stop the next attack on a movie theater, a shopping mall, a college campus or a first grade class.
The battle we now must fight, and the battle we must now win is for the safety and sanity of our children, and that is the war at home.
It's not all about guns, or all about violent movies and videogames. But we must no longer allow the perfect to be the enemy of the good. And we must not excuse total inaction by arguing that no single action can solve the problem and save our children.
I am a conservative Republican who received the NRA's highest ratings over 4 terms in Congress. I saw the debate over guns as a powerful, symbolic struggle between individual rights and government control. In the years after Waco and Ruby Ridge, the symbolism of that debate seemed even more powerful to my colleagues and me.
But the symbols of that ideological struggle have since been shattered by the harvest sown from violent, mind-numbing video games and gruesome Hollywood movies that dangerously desensitizes those who struggle with mental health challenges. Add military-styled weapons and high capacity magazines to that equation and tragedy can never be too far behind.
There is no easy ideological way forward. If it were only so simple as to blame Hollywood or the NRA, then our task could be completed in no time. But I come to you this morning with a heavy heart and no easy answers. Still, I have spent the past few days grasping for solutions and struggling for answers, while daring to question my long held beliefs on these subjects.
I have always taken a libertarian's approach to Hollywood's 1st Amendment rights and gun collectors' 2nd Amendment rights. I stood by those libertarian beliefs after Columbine, Aurora and Arizona. Those young men who slaughtered innocents were crazy, after all, and they would have found another way to kill their victims if their guns of choice were not available.
But last Friday a chilling thought crossed my mind as I saw the Times Square ticker over ABC spit out the news of yet another tragic shooting in yet another tortured town by yet another twisted son of that community.
How could it be that I knew within seconds of reading that scrolling headline that the shooter would be an isolated middle class white male who spent his days on his computer playing video games? How did I know that it was far more likely that he had a mental condition than a rational motive? And how did I know the end of this story before the real reporting even began?
I knew the ending of that story because I've seen it all too often before. I also knew that day that the ideologies of my past career were no longer relevant to the future that I want for my children.
Friday changed everything. It must change everything. We All must begin anew and demand that Washington's old way of doing business is no longer acceptable.
Entertainment moguls do not have an absolute right to glorify murder while spreading mayhem in young minds across America.
And our Bill of Rights does not guarantee gun manufacturers the absolute right to sell military-styled high-caliber semi-automatic combat assault rifles with high capacity magazines to whoever the hell they want.
It is time for Congress to put children before deadly dogmas. It's time for politicians to start focusing more on protecting our school yards than putting together their next fundraiser. And it's time Washington stops trying to win endless wars overseas and instead starts focusing on winning the war at home.
We have already given up too much ground across America. We have already ceded too many schoolyards and shopping malls, movie theaters and college campuses. We will give no more ground.
Abraham Lincoln once said of this great and powerful nation.
"From whence shall we expect the approach of danger? Shall some trans-Atlantic military giant step the earth and crush us at a blow? Never. All the armies of Europe and Asia.could not by force take a drink from the Ohio River or make a track on the Blue Ridge in the trial of a thousand years. No, if destruction be our lot we must ourselves be its author and finisher. As a nation of free men we will live forever or die by suicide."
For the sake of my four children, I choose life. And I choose change. It is time to turn over the tables inside the temple, for the sake of our children and for the sake of this great nation that we love.
Copyright (C) 2012 by All This Is That. All This Is That contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make these materials available to advance the understanding of political, economic, literary, artistic, and social issues. In some cases we satirize, parody, or lampoon materials from other sources. We believe this constitutes a 'fair use' of copyrighted material as provided for by section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit for research, educational, and entertainment purposes. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', please read and follow our Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 license and attribute the work to All This Is That, along with our URL (http://jackbrummet.blogspot.com).
---o0o---
Scrooge, by Lord Buckley (both text and video)
By Jack Brummet
Since the first time I heard this piece was in California in 1985 [ed's note: I know it was '85, because I wrote the date I bought his "Hiporama of the classics" on the inside cover].
This is my favorite Christmas story of all time (it's all in the rendition, friends). Take ten and a half minutes to listen to this. You know how the story ends, but Lord Buckley makes that ending sing hosannahs to the heavens. The Lord (a title with which he annointed himself) is one of those writers and performers whose work is shot through with his love of all of us, high, low, and in between. . .
A Hip Christmas Carol
by Lord Buckley
"Yes, me, I'm Scrooge and I got all Marley's barley,
and I'm the baddest cat in all dis world.
I been studyin' all my life how to Scrooge people,
and I guarantee I done some fine work in dat direction.
"Cratchit!"
"Yes, sir."
"You busy?"
"I shorely is, sir."
"See dat you keep busy.
Don't want no danglin' wanglin' around here.
Keep everybody tight.
And tell dem two cats come in here want to get some money
I ain't givin' no money away.
"Dey messin' wit Scrooge.
I'm takin' it in. I ain't puttin' it out.
Issat clear?"
"Yes, sir."
"Well, keep it clear. People comin' around here
wantin' my gold dat's all, tryin' to pry into my vault.
Every time I turn around somebody's tryin' to snap...
"Tell my nephew I don't want to have no dinner wid him
an' if he never comes in here again dat'll be too soon."
"I'll tell de cat."
"See dat ya do.
"I don't understand dese people who are after my gold.
I close up dis here place and den dey ...
"What, what? Yeah, let me tell you somethin else -
You think that you gonna get off Christmas day?"
"Well I was hopin', sir, dat you'd let me knock off just a little while
for Christmas Eve cause I want to go home and cool da goose."
"Well if you gonna get off Christmas Eve
you gonna have to work aaalllll day Christmas.
You hear me?"
"I hear ya, sir. I'm wid it."
"Well I guess I'll go on home here."
So Scrooge takes off and he cuts on down the street.
And the snow's blowin' and da winds is wooooooooin',
and Scrooge is goin' along in his loose soul
and his loose clothes and his hard cash box
and his big money mind goin' on in his wig
and he ding ding ding up da stairs
and he open his door and he gets inside
and he puts a double lock on da door
cause he a little bugged tonight.
He bein' sayin' "Humbug" so long, "Humbug dis," an' "Humbug dat,"
he done give himself a natural Humbug.
He's got da bug hummin' in him, see.
So he double-lock da door.
And he sit dere and all of a sudden
dere's an old bell layin' over dere in the corner
and da bell goes, "ding-ding-ding-ding"
and Scrooge say, "Whassat?"
Dang- dong. "Whassat?"
Bell started ringin' "DING DONG DOONG DOONG"
Pretty soon all da bells all over the house started ringin'
"Ding Ding Dang Dang Dong
Ring Dong Boom Boom, Ding dong,
Boom boom"
And he hear somethin'
like some chain cats are pullin'
all da chains from the chains of time
up the hill 'a strife ringing' and dinglin'
wid his whole head ringin' and dingin' wid dem chains.
And bloooop!
In come a cat, da wildest lookin' cat ya ever see in his life.
Real gone cat.
And Scrooge does a real wild take
"I know who dat stud is - dat's Marley!
I know dat's Marley!
What's he doin' here? Say, Marley?"
"Yes, it's me."
"Man, you sure chained up dere,
man, you got chainsville all over you dere!"
"Well, I put em on myself, dat's da way I lived it.
I chained myself. I hung myself up wid all dese chains, you know,
bein' parsimonious, ya understand what I mean?
I can't get 'em off now.
I been luggin' dese chains all over da country
for the past seven years."
"Dat's a long time.
What's you want wit me dere, Marley Marley?
cause I got your barley."
"I don't mess wid no barley no more.
I wish I'd given it all away when I had it
and I'm gonna tell you somethin' else, too,
I'm a spook, you know dat."
"You tellin' me. I know dat.
You a spook, man, an' I wanna get straight."
"I'm gonna tell you somethin else, too, Mr. Scroogie Scrooge,
Dere gonna be three more gas lightin' spooks comin' in to see you."
"Three more gas lightin' spooks.
Say, one spook's enough.
Can't I have 'em all at one time?"
"No. Dey comin' one at a time.
First one be eleven,
next one be twelve,
next one'll be one."
"Man, if I had known this..."
"Tell you what. You dig, Scrooge, it's what you puttin' down.
You been a real sorry cat all dis time.
You gonna be gassed now by dese spooks."
"Well, dey say if I gotta be gassed..
Ain't gonna cost me no money, is it?"
"Cost you more 'n dat, Scrooge."
"Dey ain't no more den money!"
"You find out."
Brrrrt.
And Marley split.
And old Scrooge is sittin' dere sweatin' and dinglin' danglin'.
And all of a sudden, man,
he hears some crazy wild kind of a thing goin' on.
He don't know just what it is and all of a sudden . . .
Boom
Here comes a great big fat spook,
look like takes a hundred and seventy wings
lift him off over da house top
and he's got de old beat up cat and spandly legs,
and strangly arms and pedicured eyes,
and a whole out of his skull wiggin' up a storm
and he looks at old Scrooge and he says...
Scrooge is standin' dere in the corner
he feel like a disrupted small disregarded
and unclaimed white mice midget-style,
he's sittin' over dere.
And dis spook say, "Come wid me
'cause I is The Ghost of da Christmas Past!"
And Scrooge say, "Do I hafta?"
Say, "You certainly do!"
And he got on the ghost's wing and - brrt - they took off.
And he's flyin' old Scrooge over da top of da mountain
da wind is blowin', da wind is partin' his way,
and he's lookin' down, and seein' all dese crazy scenes goin' on.
Zoom!
He goes over a few more miles
Takes him down to a sun-lit pasture.
And da sun-lit pasture's full of children,
and de're singin' and dancin' and lovin' and goin' and swingin'
and Scrooge say, "Look, look, look! Dat's me down dere!"
"Yeah, dat's you, dat's you."
"I look pretty good"
"Yeah but ya don't look good now,"
He say, "I wanna hip you gotta get yourself ?
Zoom!
He takes him over to another place
and he shows him a pretty little chick
got dimples, three dimples on each chin,
and she got three little dimpled children,
and the next little dimple on da way,
and dere's a real swingin' cat around there,
and it's a happy time,
looks like seventeen carnivals takin' off.
An' Scrooge look at dis chick and say,
"I remember dat chick. I could 'a married her once."
"Yeah, you coulda if you wasn't so tight wid your purse.
You all was thinkin' about yourself, dat's what happened."
Say, "Let me hip you further, Mister Scrooge,
Let me tell you one thing:
you better get everything straight that you wanna
and you better straighten up."
"An' take me home."
"Yeah, I will."
Brrrrm Boom
And he's home again.
So man, that was a shaker.
This whole thing, this whole thing is shakin' me up pretty bad.
He say, I want to tell you right now . . .
Boom!
Here comes another big spook
Ooooohhhh He's a wild lookin' spook.
He's a crazy lookin' spook.
He's a far-out spook, he's a gas-light spook.
He's got a gas light right on the top of his wig
goin' around like one of them dramatic ? pilot lights
in a light house and he's there gassin' up the whole scene.
He say "Come with me. I'm The Ghost of Christmas Present"
And Scrooge look around and sees
the joint is loaded with apples and bananas and oranges and,
and credalies and acralonchs and ripalips
all kinds of crazy wild grapes and crazy Chistmas scenes
and nuts and candy.
And he say, "Come wid me."
Brrrrrttt.
Done took off again,
He said "I am The Ghost of Christmas Present."
He say, "I'm gonna show you what's goin' on in dis world
and how to dig Christmas and how to all enjoy
And he took him up to a little old outcast.
And there sittin on a small beat-up rock
was two studs chompin' up on a can 'a beans singin',
"Merry Christmas widch you,
Merry Christmas widch you.
Merry Christmas to the whole world"
And so on and so forth.
And he showin' him the people jumpin' for joy,
see how the cats that ain't got nothin' got somethin' anyway,
and they're all jumpin' for joy singin' "Merry Christmas," and da bells is ringin'.
Now you get yourself straight and see how things is ....
So they fly over da Cratchit's place,
there little old Tiny Tim, He's sittin' over in the corner
crochetin' a little crazy scene,
fiddlin' around, ya know what I mean?
An carryin' on, see,
and they are all talkin' about this here goose,
and dey look down here and this little goose
about the size of a beat up retarded sparrow,
and everybody's ooohin' and aahhhin' all over dis goose,
and day sayin' when are we gonna spread it,
and Tiny Tim say, "God bless everyone,
and even up to and including Scroogy Scrooge.
God bless everyone!" That's what Tiny Tim say.
And old Scrooge got red-eyed.
Brrrrt .
Took 'im back again.
Sound like the whole side 'a the buildin' open up
and in come a long angular spook
seventeen gas lights and stove pipes
hung together with
jingle jangle bells all over
Scrooge takes a look at this cat,
Says, "Do I have to go with you?"
He says, "You certainly do, 'cause I'm The Ghost of Christmas Future."
He say, "Come wid me."
Say, "Where we goin'?"
"None 'o your business!"
He takes old Scrooge they cut off flyin' around
the moonlight is shinin' down.
Booom!
They're in the grave-yard.
Oooh a wild OOOOoooohhhh
crazy spooky graveyard
and Scrooge is walkin' around
and finally something stepped out at him
like he was struck with the force of his eye lids,
some sort of an electronic pitchfork,
and he reads on one of them billboards in that grave-yard,
it say, "Dis is Scrooge, the baddest cat that ever lived.
He don't have nothin' he ain't got nothin' and he ain't got nothin now."
Period
And Scrooge looked at it and . . .
They're going to another place,
and there's a cat say "You goin' to the funeral?"
and he say, "Not me, man, I wouldn't go near that cat, dead or alive.
They couldn't pay me to get near that cat."
Say, "What cat is that?"
And suddenly Scrooge is takin' in the coffin factory
and seeing all these coffins layin' around,
and see one coffin,
all the rest of 'em got flowers around
'n 'dis poor little coffin got nothin on it but just some pinewood boards
an' old Scrooge look up and over and he's lookin' at this and that
and look all away 'cause he knows who is in dat coffin.
Zooooommmm.
He's swings on back again and the ghost puts him down
and old Scrooge is shakin' and shiverin'
and he finally falls into a real wild, crazy miser's coma.
And he falls out for how long he don't know
when and he wakes up and
Mornin'!
Aaaaahh, the sun was shinin' on the glorious snow
and old Scrooge is feelin' so groovey 'n so wired
and he tip tip tip tip tip toes over to the window.
He open the window, see a little cat, he say, "Hey, boy."
"Yes, sir."
"You know that great big giant king-size bird
down in Doodley's window?"
"You mean the prize bird?"
"No," he say, "I mean that great big king-size bird."
Say, "Go get that bird. Here's a twenty."
He knocks a twenty on him. "Go get dat bird.
And here's ten more for a cab,
an here's five dollar for your sister,
and here's twenty-two-fifty for your uncle's new bicycle.
Tell anyone who wants anything, 'See Scrooge.'
I'm flyin' this here Christmas.
I want to see Cratchit swing out
with a great big swingin' happy dinner.
I'm wid it all da way!"
An' old Scrooge get dressed and he's walkin' down the street,
and Ding Dong, Ding Dong Ding, the bells is ringin'.
Scrooge got a big smile on his face,
and people he's seen for twenty years never said hello,sayin'
"Good morning, Mr. Scrooge."
"What you say, Baby?"
An' he carryin' on, carryin' on, happy as the day is long.
And he finally fell into old Bob Cratchit's place
and he's got Christmas toys and Christmas joys
and Christmas presents for everybody.
And they'd just opened the goose,
and then little Tiny Tim see him comin',
he say, "God bless Mr. Scrooge.
He done did the turn about.
He's the Lord's boy today."
And that's the story of Scrooge.
You can get wid it if you want to.
There's only one way straight to the Road of Love.
---o0o---
Since the first time I heard this piece was in California in 1985 [ed's note: I know it was '85, because I wrote the date I bought his "Hiporama of the classics" on the inside cover].
This is my favorite Christmas story of all time (it's all in the rendition, friends). Take ten and a half minutes to listen to this. You know how the story ends, but Lord Buckley makes that ending sing hosannahs to the heavens. The Lord (a title with which he annointed himself) is one of those writers and performers whose work is shot through with his love of all of us, high, low, and in between. . .
A Hip Christmas Carol
by Lord Buckley
"Yes, me, I'm Scrooge and I got all Marley's barley,
and I'm the baddest cat in all dis world.
I been studyin' all my life how to Scrooge people,
and I guarantee I done some fine work in dat direction.
"Cratchit!"
"Yes, sir."
"You busy?"
"I shorely is, sir."
"See dat you keep busy.
Don't want no danglin' wanglin' around here.
Keep everybody tight.
And tell dem two cats come in here want to get some money
I ain't givin' no money away.
"Dey messin' wit Scrooge.
I'm takin' it in. I ain't puttin' it out.
Issat clear?"
"Yes, sir."
"Well, keep it clear. People comin' around here
wantin' my gold dat's all, tryin' to pry into my vault.
Every time I turn around somebody's tryin' to snap...
"Tell my nephew I don't want to have no dinner wid him
an' if he never comes in here again dat'll be too soon."
"I'll tell de cat."
"See dat ya do.
"I don't understand dese people who are after my gold.
I close up dis here place and den dey ...
"What, what? Yeah, let me tell you somethin else -
You think that you gonna get off Christmas day?"
"Well I was hopin', sir, dat you'd let me knock off just a little while
for Christmas Eve cause I want to go home and cool da goose."
"Well if you gonna get off Christmas Eve
you gonna have to work aaalllll day Christmas.
You hear me?"
"I hear ya, sir. I'm wid it."
"Well I guess I'll go on home here."
So Scrooge takes off and he cuts on down the street.
And the snow's blowin' and da winds is wooooooooin',
and Scrooge is goin' along in his loose soul
and his loose clothes and his hard cash box
and his big money mind goin' on in his wig
and he ding ding ding up da stairs
and he open his door and he gets inside
and he puts a double lock on da door
cause he a little bugged tonight.
He bein' sayin' "Humbug" so long, "Humbug dis," an' "Humbug dat,"
he done give himself a natural Humbug.
He's got da bug hummin' in him, see.
So he double-lock da door.
And he sit dere and all of a sudden
dere's an old bell layin' over dere in the corner
and da bell goes, "ding-ding-ding-ding"
and Scrooge say, "Whassat?"
Dang- dong. "Whassat?"
Bell started ringin' "DING DONG DOONG DOONG"
Pretty soon all da bells all over the house started ringin'
"Ding Ding Dang Dang Dong
Ring Dong Boom Boom, Ding dong,
Boom boom"
And he hear somethin'
like some chain cats are pullin'
all da chains from the chains of time
up the hill 'a strife ringing' and dinglin'
wid his whole head ringin' and dingin' wid dem chains.
And bloooop!
In come a cat, da wildest lookin' cat ya ever see in his life.
Real gone cat.
And Scrooge does a real wild take
"I know who dat stud is - dat's Marley!
I know dat's Marley!
What's he doin' here? Say, Marley?"
"Yes, it's me."
"Man, you sure chained up dere,
man, you got chainsville all over you dere!"
"Well, I put em on myself, dat's da way I lived it.
I chained myself. I hung myself up wid all dese chains, you know,
bein' parsimonious, ya understand what I mean?
I can't get 'em off now.
I been luggin' dese chains all over da country
for the past seven years."
"Dat's a long time.
What's you want wit me dere, Marley Marley?
cause I got your barley."
"I don't mess wid no barley no more.
I wish I'd given it all away when I had it
and I'm gonna tell you somethin' else, too,
I'm a spook, you know dat."
"You tellin' me. I know dat.
You a spook, man, an' I wanna get straight."
"I'm gonna tell you somethin else, too, Mr. Scroogie Scrooge,
Dere gonna be three more gas lightin' spooks comin' in to see you."
"Three more gas lightin' spooks.
Say, one spook's enough.
Can't I have 'em all at one time?"
"No. Dey comin' one at a time.
First one be eleven,
next one be twelve,
next one'll be one."
"Man, if I had known this..."
"Tell you what. You dig, Scrooge, it's what you puttin' down.
You been a real sorry cat all dis time.
You gonna be gassed now by dese spooks."
"Well, dey say if I gotta be gassed..
Ain't gonna cost me no money, is it?"
"Cost you more 'n dat, Scrooge."
"Dey ain't no more den money!"
"You find out."
Brrrrt.
And Marley split.
And old Scrooge is sittin' dere sweatin' and dinglin' danglin'.
And all of a sudden, man,
he hears some crazy wild kind of a thing goin' on.
He don't know just what it is and all of a sudden . . .
Boom
Here comes a great big fat spook,
look like takes a hundred and seventy wings
lift him off over da house top
and he's got de old beat up cat and spandly legs,
and strangly arms and pedicured eyes,
and a whole out of his skull wiggin' up a storm
and he looks at old Scrooge and he says...
Scrooge is standin' dere in the corner
he feel like a disrupted small disregarded
and unclaimed white mice midget-style,
he's sittin' over dere.
And dis spook say, "Come wid me
'cause I is The Ghost of da Christmas Past!"
And Scrooge say, "Do I hafta?"
Say, "You certainly do!"
And he got on the ghost's wing and - brrt - they took off.
And he's flyin' old Scrooge over da top of da mountain
da wind is blowin', da wind is partin' his way,
and he's lookin' down, and seein' all dese crazy scenes goin' on.
Zoom!
He goes over a few more miles
Takes him down to a sun-lit pasture.
And da sun-lit pasture's full of children,
and de're singin' and dancin' and lovin' and goin' and swingin'
and Scrooge say, "Look, look, look! Dat's me down dere!"
"Yeah, dat's you, dat's you."
"I look pretty good"
"Yeah but ya don't look good now,"
He say, "I wanna hip you gotta get yourself ?
Zoom!
He takes him over to another place
and he shows him a pretty little chick
got dimples, three dimples on each chin,
and she got three little dimpled children,
and the next little dimple on da way,
and dere's a real swingin' cat around there,
and it's a happy time,
looks like seventeen carnivals takin' off.
An' Scrooge look at dis chick and say,
"I remember dat chick. I could 'a married her once."
"Yeah, you coulda if you wasn't so tight wid your purse.
You all was thinkin' about yourself, dat's what happened."
Say, "Let me hip you further, Mister Scrooge,
Let me tell you one thing:
you better get everything straight that you wanna
and you better straighten up."
"An' take me home."
"Yeah, I will."
Brrrrm Boom
And he's home again.
So man, that was a shaker.
This whole thing, this whole thing is shakin' me up pretty bad.
He say, I want to tell you right now . . .
Boom!
Here comes another big spook
Ooooohhhh He's a wild lookin' spook.
He's a crazy lookin' spook.
He's a far-out spook, he's a gas-light spook.
He's got a gas light right on the top of his wig
goin' around like one of them dramatic ? pilot lights
in a light house and he's there gassin' up the whole scene.
He say "Come with me. I'm The Ghost of Christmas Present"
And Scrooge look around and sees
the joint is loaded with apples and bananas and oranges and,
and credalies and acralonchs and ripalips
all kinds of crazy wild grapes and crazy Chistmas scenes
and nuts and candy.
And he say, "Come wid me."
Brrrrrttt.
Done took off again,
He said "I am The Ghost of Christmas Present."
He say, "I'm gonna show you what's goin' on in dis world
and how to dig Christmas and how to all enjoy
And he took him up to a little old outcast.
And there sittin on a small beat-up rock
was two studs chompin' up on a can 'a beans singin',
"Merry Christmas widch you,
Merry Christmas widch you.
Merry Christmas to the whole world"
And so on and so forth.
And he showin' him the people jumpin' for joy,
see how the cats that ain't got nothin' got somethin' anyway,
and they're all jumpin' for joy singin' "Merry Christmas," and da bells is ringin'.
Now you get yourself straight and see how things is ....
So they fly over da Cratchit's place,
there little old Tiny Tim, He's sittin' over in the corner
crochetin' a little crazy scene,
fiddlin' around, ya know what I mean?
An carryin' on, see,
and they are all talkin' about this here goose,
and dey look down here and this little goose
about the size of a beat up retarded sparrow,
and everybody's ooohin' and aahhhin' all over dis goose,
and day sayin' when are we gonna spread it,
and Tiny Tim say, "God bless everyone,
and even up to and including Scroogy Scrooge.
God bless everyone!" That's what Tiny Tim say.
And old Scrooge got red-eyed.
Brrrrt .
Took 'im back again.
Sound like the whole side 'a the buildin' open up
and in come a long angular spook
seventeen gas lights and stove pipes
hung together with
jingle jangle bells all over
Scrooge takes a look at this cat,
Says, "Do I have to go with you?"
He says, "You certainly do, 'cause I'm The Ghost of Christmas Future."
He say, "Come wid me."
Say, "Where we goin'?"
"None 'o your business!"
He takes old Scrooge they cut off flyin' around
the moonlight is shinin' down.
Booom!
They're in the grave-yard.
Oooh a wild OOOOoooohhhh
crazy spooky graveyard
and Scrooge is walkin' around
and finally something stepped out at him
like he was struck with the force of his eye lids,
some sort of an electronic pitchfork,
and he reads on one of them billboards in that grave-yard,
it say, "Dis is Scrooge, the baddest cat that ever lived.
He don't have nothin' he ain't got nothin' and he ain't got nothin now."
Period
And Scrooge looked at it and . . .
They're going to another place,
and there's a cat say "You goin' to the funeral?"
and he say, "Not me, man, I wouldn't go near that cat, dead or alive.
They couldn't pay me to get near that cat."
Say, "What cat is that?"
And suddenly Scrooge is takin' in the coffin factory
and seeing all these coffins layin' around,
and see one coffin,
all the rest of 'em got flowers around
'n 'dis poor little coffin got nothin on it but just some pinewood boards
an' old Scrooge look up and over and he's lookin' at this and that
and look all away 'cause he knows who is in dat coffin.
Zooooommmm.
He's swings on back again and the ghost puts him down
and old Scrooge is shakin' and shiverin'
and he finally falls into a real wild, crazy miser's coma.
And he falls out for how long he don't know
when and he wakes up and
Mornin'!
Aaaaahh, the sun was shinin' on the glorious snow
and old Scrooge is feelin' so groovey 'n so wired
and he tip tip tip tip tip toes over to the window.
He open the window, see a little cat, he say, "Hey, boy."
"Yes, sir."
"You know that great big giant king-size bird
down in Doodley's window?"
"You mean the prize bird?"
"No," he say, "I mean that great big king-size bird."
Say, "Go get that bird. Here's a twenty."
He knocks a twenty on him. "Go get dat bird.
And here's ten more for a cab,
an here's five dollar for your sister,
and here's twenty-two-fifty for your uncle's new bicycle.
Tell anyone who wants anything, 'See Scrooge.'
I'm flyin' this here Christmas.
I want to see Cratchit swing out
with a great big swingin' happy dinner.
I'm wid it all da way!"
An' old Scrooge get dressed and he's walkin' down the street,
and Ding Dong, Ding Dong Ding, the bells is ringin'.
Scrooge got a big smile on his face,
and people he's seen for twenty years never said hello,sayin'
"Good morning, Mr. Scrooge."
"What you say, Baby?"
An' he carryin' on, carryin' on, happy as the day is long.
And he finally fell into old Bob Cratchit's place
and he's got Christmas toys and Christmas joys
and Christmas presents for everybody.
And they'd just opened the goose,
and then little Tiny Tim see him comin',
he say, "God bless Mr. Scrooge.
He done did the turn about.
He's the Lord's boy today."
And that's the story of Scrooge.
You can get wid it if you want to.
There's only one way straight to the Road of Love.
---o0o---
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Saturday, December 15, 2012
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