Shaggy Dog Story No. 13: The Duck

The Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly And said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? "Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down, and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

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Rick Santorum's gun to the head—The Obamaville Movie

The best image from Rick Santorum's "trailer" Obamaville.  (which you can find here).  The one minute movie shows America two years from now after the President is reelected. It's essentially "It Can't Happen Here" — the Russians are running the show; religion is over;  gas prices lead to suicides, and everything is run down and desperate.  It feeds into the paranoia of his core constituency...

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Shaggy Dog Story No. 12—The IRS Audit, a/k/a gee whiz

The IRS Audit Alas, The IRS decided to audit Grandpa and they hauled him into him to the IRS headquarters.  The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable." "I'm a great gambler and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?" The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. Go ahead." Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye." The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet." Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye." Now, the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The auditor is shaken down to his boots when realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He's nervous. "Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between." The  twice burned auditor, is understandably cautious now. But he decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt.  He agrees to the bet. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants. Although he strains mightily, he can't  reach the wastebasket on the other side. He pees all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. "Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it." ---o0o---

Rick Perry's speech at last night's Gridiron dinner (the best speech of his life)

By Jack Brummet, Speech and debate editor

Mark Shields said that Governor Rick Perry achieved career redemption with his speech at the 127th anniversary dinner of The Gridiron Club and Foundation (you know, the annual press dinner with sometimes funny speeches...) dinner last night.  It's pretty good:

"I can't tell you ... what a relief it is to be on a stage with just one podium. ... [Laughter]] The Gridiron's the only time that politicians and journalists can get together for some lighthearted silliness - well, I mean, other than the debates. ... Some have said that my debating style is very similar to that other Texas Cicero, George W. Bush. [Laughter] Only difference between GEORGE and me is that I say, 'Oops.' [Applause] ... Y'know, I shouldn't make fun of George. But he's, like, the only one that I can. [Laughter] Y'know, I say stuff like Solyndra's a country or that the voting age is 21. But MITT would say things like his wife drives a coupla Cadillacs, or his pals own NASCAR teams. Y'know, my problem was sayin' stuff that WASN'T right. Mitt's problem is sayin' stuff that IS. [Applause] 

So with all my gaffes, people forgot that I once led the Republican primary. It was the most exhilarating three hours of my life. Awesome! Now, officially, I have only suspended my campaign -- I never really quit. So technically, I'm still in the race - 'cept I can go home, spend the evening with Anita, relax, and still do about as well. Well, listen, here's the hardest part for me: The weakest Republican field in history -- and they kicked my BUTT! ... Y'know, very once in a while, Herman Cain, Michele Bachman and myself'll get together. We'll kinda act silly, we'll say some stupid things-you know, kinda like old times. ...

"Y'know it's weird standing next to [Mitt] on the debate podium . Y'know, I keep waiting for him to say, 'Pardon me, would you have any Grey Poupon?' ... I LIKE Mitt Romney. I mean, I like Mitt Romney as much as one really good looking man can like a really good looking man -and not break Texas law. And then there's Rick Santorum. I used to have SO much fun needling Rick. I'd say, 'Now, Rick, tell me again, which one of the Village People are you? You're the policeman? Or you're the Indian?' And then there's Ron Paul. ... Y'know, he kinda reminds me of that crazy uncle that you expect to pull a nickel out of your ear. ... Then we have Gingrich. He's like this Pillsbury Doughboy, with this really huge brain. ... I do wish I were still in the race. I mean, I don't know why I didn't do better: Governor of a big state. Former military pilot. I graduated from Texas A&M with a degree in animal husbandry. [Laughter] Maybe that was the problem. Animal husbandry: That sounds like what Rick Santorum thinks gay marriage leads to. ...

"Now, before I forget, which has been known to happen [laughter], it's really good to see DNC Chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz [who spoke after him]. And even though Debbie and I are from different parties, she has been very, very complimentary. Earlier she told me, she said, 'Rick, you don't know how sorry I am that you won't be your party's nominee.' [Laughter] [Turning to her at the head table:] Thank you, darlin'.

"Now, President Obama couldn't be here. I read that he is in Korea, at the DMZ. Would somebody tell me: Why do ya have to go all the way to Korea to get a DRIVER'S LICENSE? Must be something to do with that birth certificate thing. But filling in tonight for the president very ably is Secretary Panetta. And during the campaign, I said that Secretary Panetta should resign. I regret saying that ... We have had Predator drones circling the governor's mansion. ... After what I've been through, our motto is, 'Y'know, if you can't laugh at yourself -- well, there's always Herman Cain.' ...

"When we did our announcement tour, there was this huge caravan of reporters, including the Washington Post's Dan Balz, who was following our bus. And Dan was lookin' a little scruffy. He had this days' old beard. He had a baseball cap on. And I spent the day calling him 'Wolf.' Finally it dawned on me: That's not Wolf Blitzer! That's Dan Balz. So, Dan, wherever you are in the audience tonight, I wanna say 'thank you' for being a gentleman, and never mentioning it.

"Most of the reporters and the correspondents trailing us weren't well-known. They weren't established journalists like Dan and the members of this club. But they were often the younger reporters, on the lower rungs of the business. I wasn't always happy about what they wrote -- but they became part of the traveling family, because our lives became intertwined. They ate the same crappy campaign food; they got up at the same early hour; they heard the same speech, over and over. But I honestly got the sense that they were sad to see our campaign end. Anita and I still keep up with 'em. As a matter of fact, we just got a note from one just the other day. I saw one tonight as I came in. So, tonight, I'd like to close not by recognizing you big shots in the business out there -- but all those reporters who are out there workin' - workin' their butts off, worryin' about the future of newspapers, worryin' about whether or not the news budget is gonna be cut. I truly like 'em and respect 'em. And I hope one day those reporters in that caravan following our bus make it to this illustrious dinner -- and are up on that stage, doing those skits and enjoying the rewards of their professional success, like we are tonight."

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It can't happen here: Rick Santorum's "Welcome to Obamaville" ad

With the tone of a zombie or horror trailer, and a touch of "It can't happen here," the Santorum campaign has released this "trailer."  As they say, this is  "more than a town - it's a cautionary tale!"  Notice how, at :40 seconds, Ahmadinejad's face briefly morphs into President Obama's.

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R.J. Matson's take on the Stand Your Ground Defense

R.J. Matson,  the editorial cartoonist of the St. Louis Dispatch, published this cartoon earlier this week on the STAND YOUR GROUND DEFENSE [St. Louis Post-Dispatch, March 23, 2012]:

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Faces No. 280 - No curves

by Jack Brummet

I keep trying to draw a face with no curves at all. . .

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Dick Cheney's heart transplant and what the surprised surgeons found

By Pablo Fanque, National Affairs Editor

The Associated Press reported this morning that Ex-Vice President Dick Cheney, who has suffered five heart attacks since he was 37, "underwent a heart transplant Saturday after more than 20 months on a transplant list, according to his office."

Two years ago, the former VP had a manual heart pump installed (generally a transitional device for people on the transplant list).  At the time he told reporters that he "hadn’t decided whether to seek a heart transplant."


All This Is That contacted the hospital press office, as well as some of the transplant team medical staff early this afternoon.  


"It was the damnedest thing you ever saw," a member of the surgical team told All This Is That. "After we opened up his chest to perform the operation, we removed what we thought was his heart.  It turned out to be a fat lump of bituminous coal!  He was, in effect, some kind of zombie.  We installed the new heart, fired it up, and he is now recovering. . ."

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Shaggy Dog Story No. 12 - Quasimodo

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had just about decided to call it a day. But just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. Incredulously, the bishop blurted out, "But . . . but . . . you have no arms!" "No matter," said the man: "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.

The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window, falling to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist the bishop continued his interviews for a new bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly. "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

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Faces No. 279 - Eighteen

By Jack Brummet

[hand-drawn scratchboard, digitally reversed]

click to enlarge

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Shaggy Dog Story No. 11: The Blind Pilots

The passengers on a small plane are a quite surprised when the pilots arrive.  The pilots walk up the aisle, both wearing dark glasses. One has a seeing-eye dog, the other is tapping his way with a white-tipped cane. The cockpit door closes, the engines start up. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway.  People by the windows realize they're heading right towards the water at the end of the runway. Panic ensues. Screams fill the air. At that very moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly. Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot. "Y'know, Bob," he says. "One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die." ---o0o---

Ex-Senator Rick Santorum endorses President Barack Obama: I love this guy!

By Pablo Fanque, National Affairs Editor 

 

Ex-Senator Rick Santorum said yesterday that Romney is so much like Obama, voters in November should just  stick with the incumbent.  In Texas, the candidate once again held up front-runner Mittens as the Etch A Sketch candidate, who will change his positions after the primary.  


"You win by giving people a choice," he said. "You win by giving people the opportunity to see a different vision for our country, not someone who's just going to be a little different than the person in there. If you're going to be a little different, we might as well stay with what we have instead of taking a risk with what may be the Etch A Sketch candidate of the future."  I effing love this guy!

Romney's top political strategist suggested that Ex-Senator Santorum's continued presence in the race makes him President Obama's "most valuable player."   

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