Playground rhymes of my youth

By Jack Brummet (High school class of 1971)

[to the tune of "On Top Of Old Smokey"]

On top of spaghetti, all covered in blood,
I shot my poor teacher with a 40 foot stud.

I shot her with glory, i shot her with pride,
I couldn't have missed her she was 40 feet wide.

I went to her funeral, I went to her grave,
Some people threw flowers, I threw a grenade.

I opened her coffin--she wasn't quite dead,
So I took a bazooka and blew off her head!
______________________

Everybody's doing it, doing it, doing it.
Picking their nose and chewing it, chewing it, chewing it.
______________________

Jingle bells,
Batman smells,
Robin laid an egg.
The Batmobile lost a wheel
And Joker took ballet.
______________________

Engine Engine Number Nine
Going down Chicago line
If the train falls off the track
Do you want your money back?
______________________

Whistle while you work.
Hitler is a jerk.
Mussolini bit his weenie.
Now it doesn't work.
______________________

Whistle while you work
Hitler is a jerk
Rosellini bit his weenie
And now it will not squirt.

[Albert Rosellini who died a couple of years ago at age 100 was, until  his mid-90's, still practicing law in Seattle! He was governor of Washington State in my formative years from, 1957-1965.]
______________________

Tra la la boom de-ay
There was no school today.
Our teacher passed away,
She died of tooth decay!
Tra-la-la Boom de ay!
I took your pants away...
______________________

Tra-la-la Boom de ay!
Baffaro passed away
We threw him in the bay
And watched him float away.

[Peter Baffaro was the longtime principal of Kent Elementary, Kent, Washington]
______________________

Liar,Liar!
Pants are on fire!
[Reply]
I don't care,
I don't care!
I can buy another pair!
______________________

Johnnie had a steamboat, Johnnie had a bell,
Johnnie pulled the wrong cord and blew it all to
Hello operator, give me number nine,
If you disconnect me, I'll kick you in the
Behind the 'fridgerator, there's a piece of glass,
Johnnie slipped on it, and it went up his
Ask me no more questions, tell me no more lies,
If you ever get hit with a bucket of s**t
Just be sure to close your eyes. 
______________________

Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream
Throw the teacher overboard and listen to her scream!
______________________

School's out, school's out,
The teacher let the monkeys out.
One went in, and one went out,
And one fell in the sauerkraut.

[At around the time I heard, and sang this ditty, Kent, Wash. was one of the largest sauerkraut producing regions in the country. I remember taking several tours of the Libby Sauerkraut plant. And they weren't alone...there were others. Not many Germans or Eastern Europeans lived in Kent, so I have to assume it was because Kent was a prime cabbage-growing area.]
______________________

It's Howdy Doody time
It ain't worth a dime
We'll turn to Channel Nine
And watch Frankenstein
______________________

Lincoln, Lincoln, I've been thinking,
What the hell have you been drinking?
Taste like beer smells like wine.
Oh my God it's Turpentine.
______________________

I'm Popeye, the Sailor Man
I live in a Garbage Can.
I eat all the worms
And I spit out the Germs
I'm Popeye, the Sailor Man.

I'm Popeye, the Sailor Man
I live in a frying pan
I turn up the heat
And I burn up my feet

I'm Popeye, the Sailor Man
I live in a frying pan
I turn up the gas
And burn off my ass
I'm Popeye, the Sailor Man

I'm Popeye, the Sailor Man
I like me spinach and eggs
I like to go swimmin'
With bow-legged women
And swim between their legs 
______________________

[to the tune of Battle Hymn of the Republic] 

Mine eyes have seen the glory
Of the burning of the school
We have tortured all the teachers,
We have broken every rule
We have barbecued the principal,
And destroyed the PTA,
Our school keeps burning on.
Glory, glory hallelujah.
Teacher hit me with a ruler.
I met her at the door with a loaded .44
Now she won't be teaching anymore! 

---o0o---

Billie Holiday's birthday and Frank O'Hara's poem on her death

By Jack Brummet, Jazz Ed.


It would have been Billie Holiday's 100th birthday today. She didn't make it, but her music certainly did. Frank O'Hara wrote a great poem about her departure.

The Day Lady Died

BY FRANK O'HARA

It is 12:20 in New York a Friday

three days after Bastille day, yes

it is 1959 and I go get a shoeshine

because I will get off the 4:19 in Easthampton   

at 7:15 and then go straight to dinner

and I don’t know the people who will feed me

I walk up the muggy street beginning to sun   

and have a hamburger and a malted and buy

an ugly NEW WORLD WRITING to see what the poets   

in Ghana are doing these days

                                                        I go on to the bank

and Miss Stillwagon (first name Linda I once heard)   

doesn’t even look up my balance for once in her life   

and in the GOLDEN GRIFFIN I get a little Verlaine   

for Patsy with drawings by Bonnard although I do   

think of Hesiod, trans. Richmond Lattimore or   

Brendan Behan’s new play or Le Balcon or Les Nègres

of Genet, but I don’t, I stick with Verlaine

after practically going to sleep with quandariness

and for Mike I just stroll into the PARK LANE

Liquor Store and ask for a bottle of Strega and   

then I go back where I came from to 6th Avenue   

and the tobacconist in the Ziegfeld Theatre and   

casually ask for a carton of Gauloises and a carton

of Picayunes, and a NEW YORK POST with her face on it

and I am sweating a lot by now and thinking of

leaning on the john door in the 5 SPOT

while she whispered a song along the keyboard

to Mal Waldron and everyone and I stopped breathing

Frank O’Hara, “The Day Lady Died” from Lunch Poems. Copyright © 1964 by Frank O’Hara.

---o0o---

Ex-Governor Jeb Bush registered to vote as an "Hispanic"

By Pablo Fanque, National Affairs Ed.

The New York Times yesterday carried a story that Jeb Bush identified himself as "Hispanic" on his 2009 voter registration form.  Interesting.  He owned up to it in a tweet yesterday: "My mistake." 

---o0o---

Robot #8 - the spare parts robot

By Jack Brummet

---o0o---

Olympians to tough it out in massively polluted Guanabara Bay

According to the mayor of Rio de Janeiro, it appears that some of the 2016 Summer Olympics aquatic events will take place among floating household trash and raw sewage in Guanabara Bay (although Mayor Eduardo Paes noted to the Associated Press in March that the events are scheduled for the “cleanest part” of the Bay). 

To acquire the games, organizers had promised a massive cleanup, but now, with 500 days to go, Paes conceded that the goals will not be met and that, indeed, infrastructure improvements still have not halted the sewage flow into the Bay. [Associated Press, 3-23-2015]

---o0o---

Time Square Grindhouses thirty years ago

By Jack Brummet

Just some of the movie theaters then in Times Square.  On the bill that day:

Cine 42: I: Critters / Deadly Blessing; Theater II:  The Toxic Avenger/ Bloodsucking Freaks
Harris: P.O.W.: The Escape / Exterminator 2/ Delta Force
Liberty: Make Them Die Slowly/Savage Man, Savage Beast / King Dick
Empire: Shaolin Kung Fu/ Shaolin Vs. Lama /Shaolin Red Master 

---o0o---

Poem: Frontier Justice

by Jack Brummet 

 1  
A roiling thunderstorm clears the air
Like Wyatt Earp's peacekeeper

 2  
A bad beginning can be overcome
But a good end lasts forever

          ---o0o---

The history of the universe (in 200 words)

By Jack Brummet
Unexplained Phenomena Editor

This is Eric Schulman's "History of the Universe in 200 Words or Less."  I have been been grokking on this one for a couple of weeks (and looking up the words and phrases I didn't understand).  Wow.

These 200 words inspired A Briefer History of Time which also led to the Annals of Improbable Research Universal History Translation Project. [From the AIR, Volume III, Number 1, January/February 1997, page 27.]
 

Quantum fluctuation. Inflation. Expansion. Strong nuclear interaction. Particle-antiparticle annihilation. Deuterium and helium production. Density perturbations. Recombination. Blackbody radiation. Local contraction. Cluster formation. Reionization? Violent relaxation. Virialization. Biased galaxy formation? Turbulent fragmentation. Contraction. Ionization. Compression. Opaque hydrogen. Massive star formation. Deuterium ignition. Hydrogen fusion. Hydrogen depletion. Core contraction. Envelope expansion. Helium fusion. Carbon, oxygen, and silicon fusion. Iron production. Implosion. Supernova explosion. Metals injection. Star formation. Supernova explosions. Star formation. Condensation. Planetesimal accretion. Planetary differentiation. Crust solidification. Volatile gas expulsion. Water condensation. Water dissociation. Ozone production. Ultraviolet absorption. Photosynthetic unicellular organisms. Oxidation. Mutation. Natural selection and evolution. Respiration. Cell differentiation. Sexual reproduction. Fossilization. Land exploration. Dinosaur extinction. Mammal expansion. Glaciation. Homo sapiens manifestation. Animal domestication. Food surplus production. Civilization! Innovation. Exploration. Religion. Warring nations. Empire creation and destruction. Exploration. Colonization. Taxation without representation. Revolution. Constitution. Election. Expansion. Industrialization. Rebellion. Emancipation Proclamation. Invention. Mass production. Urbanization. Immigration. World conflagration. League of Nations. Suffrage extension. Depression. World conflagration. Fission explosions. United Nations. Space exploration. Assassinations. Lunar excursions. Resignation. Computerization. World Trade Organization. Terrorism. Internet expansion. Reunification. Dissolution. World-Wide Web creation. Composition. Extrapolation?

Copyright 1996-1997 by Eric Schulman.

---o0o---

Hillary Clinton about to announce candidacy for President

By Pablo Fanque, National Affairs Ed. (illustration by Jack Brummet)

The Big Announcement will probably happen next week. She has two weeks to go official, since it appears she has rented a campaign headquarters in Brooklyn. /Pablo F (illustration by Jack B)

Seattle rain and the Beaufort Scale

By Jack Brummet, Hydration Ed.

Seattle, Washington is well-known for its rain, but many cities have greater rainfall than Seattle (especially in the east, and particularly Louisiana and Alabama [it's the Gulf]. It rains very often in Seattle, but it is often a drizzle or sprinkle. The rain in other cities is often heavier, causing them to have larger averages.

Tonight, the sky is dotted with cirrus clouds. Sometime in the next few hours, I expect we will see them converge. . .rain is predicted for tomorrow. The clouds tonight are scattered enough that you can still see numerous stars and glimpses of the moon.

The annual rainfall in Seattle ranges is almost always between 37 and 39 inches.

Average Rainfall in Seattle by month:
Jan 5.13
Feb 4.18
Mar 3.75
Apr 2.59
May 1.78
June 1.49
July 0.79
Aug 1.02
Sep 1.63
Oct 3.19
Nov 5.90
Dec 5.62
Total 37.07

According to Livescience.com, Seattle is actually pretty far down the list of rainy cities, with a little over three feet of rain. Many cities in Florida and Louisiana get a couple feet more rain than Seattle, and there are cities in Alaska and Hawaii that receive over eight feet of rain annually. New York City gets at least three more inches of rain than Seattle does, annually; those inches, however, fall on far fewer days.

The Top Ten US cities for rainfall:

Mobile, Alabama--67 inches average annual rainfall; 59 average annual rainy days

Pensacola, Florida--65 inches average annual rainfall; 56 average annual
rainy days

New Orleans, Louisiana--64 inches average annual rainfall; 59 average
annual rainy days

West Palm Beach, Florida--63 inches average annual rainfall; 58 average
annual rainy days

Lafayette, Louisiana--62 inches average annual rainfall; 55 average annual
rainy days

Baton Rouge, Louisiana--62 inches average annual rainfall; 56 average
annual rainy days

Miami, Florida--62 inches average annual rainfall; 57 average annual rainy days

Port Arthur, Texas--61 inches average annual rainfall; 51 average annual
rainy days

Tallahassee, Florida--61 inches average annual rainfall; 56 average annual
rainy days

Lake Charles, Louisiana [Lake Charles is also the name of my favorite Lucinda Williams song] --58 inches average annual rainfall; 50 average annual rainy days

The rain in Seattle splashes, burbles, spouts, gushes, mists, pours, pounds, drizzles, sprinkles, and precipitates. Rain is really just the condensation of atmospheric water vapor into drops heavy enough to fall, often making it to the surface of our planet. Much of this planet depends on rain for fresh water, both collecting on the surface, and in creeks, rivers, and ponds, as well as recharging the subterranean aquifers and springs that we tap with our wells. In many parts of the world--specifically the arid desert regions--water never even reaches the surface. This phenomena is known as virga. In Seattle, we do not experience virga.

According to the Wikipedia, "The fine particulate matter produced by car exhaust and other human sources of pollution forms cloud condensation nuclei, leads to the production of clouds and increases the likelihood of rain. As commuter and commercial traffic cause pollution to build up over the course of the week, the likelihood of rain increases: it peaks by Saturday, after five days of weekday pollution has been built up. In heavily populated areas that are near the coast, such as the United States' Eastern Seaboard, the effect can be dramatic: there is a 22% higher chance of rain on Saturdays than on Mondays."

I can't determine who came up with the Beaufort rain scale. It's been drifting around the interweb for a long long time now...you can find it in some places with huge lists of recipients, and about twelve carats > in front of every single line.

The Beaufort Rain Scale

Force 0: Complete Dryness. Absence of rain from the air. The gap between two periods of wet. Associated Phrase: "It looks like it might rain."

Force 1: Scotch Mist. Presence of wet in the air, hovering rather than falling. You can feel damp on your face but if you supinate your hand, nothing lands on it. Associated Phrase: "I think it's trying to rain."

Force 2: Individual drops. Individual drops of rain falling, but quite separate as if they are all freelance and not part of the same corporate effort. If switched on now, windscreen wipers make an awful screeching noise. Spectacle wearers begin to grumble. A newspaper being read outside begins to speckle. Associated Phrase: "It's spitting."

Force 3: Fine Rain. Raindrops falling together now, but still invisibly, like the spray which
drifts off a fountain with the wind behind. Ignored by all sportsmen except Test cricketers, who dash for cover. Spectacle wearers walk into oncoming traffic. Windscreen wipers, when switched on, make the windscreen totally opaque. If being read outside, a newspaper gets damp.

Force 4: Visible Light Shower. Hair starts to congeal around ears. First rainwear appears. People start to remember washing left out. Ignored by all sportsmen except Wimbledon players, who dash for cover. A newspaper being read outside starts to tear slightly. Associated Phrases: "It's starting to come down now," "It won't last," and "It's settled in for the day now."

Force 5: Drizzle. Shapes beginning to be visible in rain for the first time, usually drifting from right to left. Windscreen wipers are too slow at slow speed, too fast at fast speed. Shower-proof rainwear turns out to be shower-proof all right, but not drizzle-proof. First damp feeling inside either shoes or neckline. Butterflies take evasive action and begin to fly straight. A newspaper being read in the open starts to turn to pulp.

Force 6: Downpour. You can see raindrops bouncing on impact, like charter planes landing. Leaves and petals recoil when hit. Anything built of concrete begins to look nasty. Eyebrows become waterlogged. Horse racing called off. Wet feeling rises above ankles and starts for knees. Butterflies fly backwards. A newspaper being read in the open divides into two. Gardeners watering the flowers begin to think about packing it in.

Force 7: Squally, Gusty Rain. As Force 6, but with added wind. Water starts to be forced up your nostrils. Maniacs leave home and head for the motorway in their cars. Butterflies start walking. Household cats and dogs become unpleasant to handle. Cheaper clothes start to come to bits. Associated Phrases: "It's pissing down now," and "There's some madman out in the garden trying to read a newspaper."

Force 8: Torrential Rain. The whole world outside has been turned into an en suite douche. It starts raining inside umbrellas. Windscreen wipers become useless. The ground looks as if it is steaming. Butterflies drown. Your garments start merging into each other and becoming indistinguishable. Man reading newspaper in the open starts to disintegrate. All team games except rugby, football, and water polo called off. Associated Phrase: "Jesus, will you look at that coming down."

Force 9: Cloudburst. Rain so fierce that it can only be maintained for a minute or two. Drops so large that they hurt if they hit you. Water gets into your pockets and forms rock-pools. Windscreen wipers are torn off cars. Too wet for water-skiing. Instantaneous rivers form on roads, and man reading newspaper floats past. Rain runs up windows.

Force 10: Hurricane. Not defined inland - the symptoms are too violent and extreme (cars floating, newspaper readers lost at sea, people drowned by inhaling rain, etc.). So, if hurricane conditions do appear to pertain, look for some other explanation.

---o0o---

Painting: In-betweens

By Jack Brummet

---o0o---

The Eruption of Mount Edgecumbe

By Jack Brummet, Volcanology Ed.

Photo by Harold Wahlman

This is a leftover from April Fool's Day I never got around to posting.  The residents of Sitka, Alaska woke up on April 1, 1974 to see clouds of black smoke were rising from the crater of Mount Edgecumbe, a dormant, nearby volcano. People went out into the streets to gaze up at the volcano, terrified that it would erupt. 

A local practical joker named Porky Bickar had flown hundreds of old tires into the volcano's crater and lit them on fire (note the day this occurred) to fool city dwellers into believing the volcano was coming back to life.

Great prank.  How can I fly a few hundred tires into the crater of Mount Rainier?

---o0o---