Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Inanimate Love: Guys having sex with lamp-posts, signs, picnic tables, park benches. and cars

By Pablo Fanque,
All This Is That National Affairs Editor

Hey Joe, you looking for a date?

Illustration from our Enumclaw horse story published here two years ago.

  • This posting actually is about national affairs. . .in the broadest sense. As it turns out, however, Americans and The Brits. do not just have sex with other people, and in some cases, animals [1], but, as we wrote about earlier, even sex with ghosts, and a host of everyday, and seemingly not all that sexy, inanimate objects.

A cedar picnic table - one man's idea of a great date

    The picnic table guy
  • "American caught having sex with picnic table" reports The Telegraph, just two days ago. Police said that Art Price Jr was seen copulating with furniture on four separate mornings, most recently on March 14 when a neighbour recorded it as evidence.

The sign guy

  • Police say videotapes they found when the above, unnamed, sign guy was arrested pictured all manner of weird stuff, but cogent to the present article, were hundreds of hours of tapes of the man defiling street signs, as well as actually having sex with the earth itself.
  • With a bicycle! A Scottish man, Robert Stewart, was discovered by two maids having sex with his bicycle in a hotel room.

The Bike Guy - I can explain everything!

"I'm leaning on the lamp-post on the corner of the street"

  • Schoolchildren and women witnessed a 32 year old man in England having sex with a lamp-post. He was arrested and charged "on suspicion of outraging public decency. "

  • Another Brit was charged with having sex with a bench. He got lucky. His penis became stuck, and a crew had to come to free him from the bench. "If it had taken another hour, we would have had to amputate his penis."

The Car Dude (not The car dude; a car dude)

[1] A case only last week: ABC Action News. reports that Caroline Willette, 53, enjoyed a three-way with two dogs. She sent a CD with the images to an acquaintance, who turned it over to The Heat. Willette admitted to detectives that she had sex with the animals in her home as well as watched young girls perform sex acts on the Internet.

Shades Of The Enumclaw Beastiality Case-- A Spanaway, Wash. Man Is Accused Of Having Sex With A Pit Bull
Not now deer! Wisconsin man punished for necrophilia and beastiality--at the same time!
Photograph: Chicken Love Tragedy - A Cautionary Tale of Beastiality in Iberia
Further ruminations on Enumclaw
Horsin' around: update on Enumclaw
Another shocking revelation
Beastiality in south King County
The final horse/beastiality update
Enumclaw Story To Become A Movie
Seattle Horse Sex Film Is Selected For Sundance!

No comments: