Thursday, February 09, 2006

White House announces nation-wide gun buyback and surrender program


Attorney General Gonzales at this evening's press briefing at
the Justice Department

In an unannounced, sparsely attended early evening press conference at the Department of Justice, Attorney Alberto Gonzales announced a stunning new White House initiative in the war on terror.

Beginning on February 21, the Attorney General said the federal government would "commence a firearm buyback program to be administered by the National Guard. For fifteen days, the National Guard, in conjunction with the National Security Agency, will buy back any and all firearms at their fair market value. The program will expire March 6, 2006, and in the second phase, a coalition of the NSA, National Guard, and FBI will begin a compulsory buyback program, utilizing gun registration and sales data collected by the NSA and FBI since 9/11/2001. "

Mr. Gonzales refused questions from the press, reading from a prepared statement later distributed to reporters.

"The Department of Justice and National Security Agency will hold a briefing tomorrow morning, followed by a question and answer session. We intend to outline this national security program in great detail. We believe the buyback program is fully within the scope of recently passed legislation, as well as applicable provisions of H. R. 3162, or, the Patriot Act. "

The Attorney General continued, "This program was formulated by The President, Justice Department, and the Federal Bureau of Investigation. As you all well know, The President is a strong supporter of the 2nd Amendment, and the right of all Americans to own firearms. However, for the time being, we believe it is important for everyone to do their part in the war against terror. Privately held weapons have the potential to fall into the hands of terrorists and be used against our own citizens and government. We fully believe the inconvenience of surrendering firearms until we have won the war on terror is a small price to pay to ensure our continued freedom and liberty. Without this program, there are approximately 200 million guns in circulation that could be used against us to further the terrorist's nefarious goals. We vowed after 9/11 that our airplanes would never be turned against this country again. We have succeeded in that. By taking this counter-terrorist measure now, we ensure the same thing will not happen with our weapons."

Attorney General Gonzales left the briefing room, declining to answer questions about the new counter-terrorism measure. "You'll have a chance to ask all the questions you want in the morning. I'll see you then."
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10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Nice scoop! You beat Drudge and everyone else on this one. I, for one, am bringing in my aresenal right away.

Anonymous said...

Wish this wasn't so close to believeable. The smoke of change may not be in the air, but only because we haven't set fire to enough oppresive bullshit.

MOLON LABE.

Anonymous said...

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. It's not like Bush needs the NRA to be reelected!

Anonymous said...

"Privately held weapons have the potential to fall into the hands of terrorists and be used against our own citizens and government"

WTF? I think the 'terrorists' have their own guns.

Anonymous said...

What are they going to do with all these guns? Sell them to a third world country or impoverished government?

Anonymous said...

Hey now, that's the second amendment your trodding over Gonzo. The first and fourth are disposable but the second? Come on!

Anonymous said...

Terrorists don't need guns. They can get by just fine with box cutters, exploding shoes and powdered sugar.

Anonymous said...

You're all missing the obvious - the government will be trading the guns for oil!

Keekee Brummet said...

Yeah! I bet we can pick up a lot of oil, if we start sending container ships full of Uzis and Colts over to the mid-east...

Anonymous said...

PS - Very clever post. Certainly worthy of the Onion...