ATIT Reheated: From 7 years ago, a list of our favorite disclaimers

By Pablo Fanque, National Affairs Editor

From ATIT in November 2004. . .this is one of my favorite lists by Jack (and there have been many).  He collected various disclaimers for years and published this, his first list ever, during the first month of All This Is That's existence.

• For entertainment only, do not put in mouth or rectum.
• Use of This Device Does Not Enable Wearer To Fly.
• All models over 18 years of age.
• Rolling rock.
• Contents may settle during shipment.
• Intentional misuse by deliberately concentrating and inhaling the contents of this container can be harmful or fatal.
• No alcohol, dogs or horses.
• No Life Support.
• REPRODUCTION REQUIRES APPROVAL OF ORIGINATOR OR HIGHER GOVERNMENT AUTHORITY.
• This is an Official U.S .Government system for authorized use only.
• Do not Discuss, Enter, Transfer, Process, or Transmit Classified/Sensitive National Security information of greater sensitivity than that for which this system is authorized.
• Use of this system constitutes consent to security testing and monitoring.
• Unauthorized use could result in criminal prosecution.
• You must not find images of adults engaged in sexual acts to be offensive or objectionable; you must understand the laws and standards of the community to which you are transporting this adult material and you must assume all the liability for violating such laws and standard by entering this site; you may not allow any minor to view any of the material or images found by accessing this site.
• This product is meant for educational purposes only.
• Keep out of the direct rays of the sun.
• Caution: Do Not Lick Lid.
• The value of shares (and any income from them) may fall as well as rise, and you may not get back the full amount invested.
• All Rights Reserved.
• Tumble dry on low heat.
• No preservatives added.
• Discontinue use if any of the following occur: itching, vertigo, dizziness, tingling in extremities, loss of balance, slurred speech, or profuse sweating.
• Reference herein to any specific commercial products, process, or service by trade name, trademark, manufacturer, or otherwise, does not constitute or imply its endorsement.
• Not fit for human consumption.
• Do not change fan belt while engine is running.
• Some of these pages may be offensive to sensitive people.
• Your mileage may vary.
• Celebrity voice impersonated.
• Disclaimer does not cover misuse, accident, lightning, flood, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, hurricanes, and other Acts of God; neglect, damage from improper reading, incorrect line voltage, improper or unauthorized reading, broken antenna or marred cabinet, missing or altered serial numbers, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, sonic boom vibrations, customer adjustments that are not covered in this list, and incidents owing to an airplane crash, ship sinking or taking on water, motor vehicle crashing, dropping the item, broken glass, mud slides, forest fire, or projectile (which can include, but not be limited to, arrows, bullets, shot, BB's, shrapnel, lasers, napalm, torpedoes, or emissions of X-rays, Alpha, Beta and Gamma rays, knives, stones, etc).
• WARNING: Contents under pressure.
• Cap may blow off causing eye or other serious injury.
• Smoking this article could be hazardous to your health.
• Point away from people, especially while opening.
• Any Other Use Constitutes Fraud.
• Serve ice cold.
• May explode if recharged improperly.
• Apply Liberally And Regularly.
• No illegal files, programs, or other information shall be made available from this server.
• First pull up, then pull down.
• Call toll free number before digging.
• Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear.
• The best safeguard, second only to abstinence, is the use of a condom.
• No anchovies or jalapeño peppers unless otherwise specified.
• Sold only for the prevention of disease.
• Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental.
• Not for internal use.
• HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE.
• The information contained in this document represents the current view of Microsoft Corporation on the issues discussed as of the date of publication.
• Microsoft cannot guarantee the accuracy of any information presented after the date of publication.
• Warning: Pastry Filling May Be Hot When Heated.
• Warning: Do Not Use While Sleeping.
• The University has neither control over nor responsibility for the opinions or correct identity of users.
• May be too intense for some viewers.
• Apply sparingly to affected area.
• Warning: Please remain seated until the ride has come to a complete stop.
• In no event shall Microsoft or its suppliers be responsible for any damage or loss incurred by using this software.
• Best if eaten by date of package.
• Void where prohibited.
• Member FDIC.
• Some assembly required.
• Use only as directed.
• Parental supervision required.
• Accepted By The American Dental Association.
• ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES! List each check separately by bank number.
• Batteries not included.
• Use only as directed.
• No Minimum Purchase Required.
• No other warranty expressed or implied.
• Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment.
• Postage will be paid by addressee.
• Subject to CAB approval.
• This is not an offer to sell securities.
• Do not mix with other products.
• Had this been an actual emergency, you would have been instructed to tune to a local emergency broadcast station.
• Apply only to affected area.
• Warning! Improper use may cause serious injury or death! Keep hair, fingers, and personal objects out of this printer.
• Do Not Exceed 6 Doses In A 24-Hour Period.
• Do not feed the animals.
• Do not stamp.
• See other side for additional listings.
• For recreational use only.
• Do not disturb.
• You May Already Be A Winner.
• Simulated by professionals.
• See your dealer for details.
• If condition persists, consult your physician.
• No user-serviceable parts inside.
• Freshest if eaten before date on carton.
• Subject to change without notice.
• Times approximate.
• Simulated picture.
• No postage necessary if mailed in the United States.
• Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement.
• For off-road use only.
• As seen on TV.
• All opinions and errors are the those of the respective authors.
• One size fits all.
• This side up.
• Many suitcases look alike.
• Best When Purchased By Date On Bottom.
• Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients.
• Colors may, in time, fade.
• We have sent the forms which seem right for you.
• Slippery when wet.
• For office use only.
• Temporarily Out Of Order.
• Not affiliated with the American Red Cross.
• We did what we could to pass good information on to you, but if we goofed, you knew all along to check it out for yourself.
• Drop in any mailbox.
• Edited for television.
• Keep cool; process promptly.
• Contains no artificial colors or ingredients.
• Post office will not deliver without postage.
• This product is delivered as is.
• List was current at time of printing.
• Action figures sold separately.
• Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward.
• Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform.
• At participating locations only.
• Not the Beatles.
• Penalty for private use.
• See label for sequence.
• Discontinue Use If Rash Persists.
• Names Used Are Fictitious.
• All efforts have been made to locate and identify copyright holders of all copyrighted materials.
• Complies with FCC part 15.
• Do Not Operater Vehicle With Screen In Place.
• Offer Good While Supplies Last.
• Police Line Do Not Cross.
• Use This Number In All Correspondence.
• Violators Will Be Prosecuted.
• Substantial penalty for early withdrawal.
• Close cover before striking.
• Do not write below this line.
• Lost ticket pays maximum rate.
• Your canceled check is your receipt.
• Add toner.
• Place stamp here.
• Avoid contact with skin.
• Be sure each item is properly endorsed.
• Do not mix with other products.
• Sign here without admitting guilt.
• Slightly higher west of the Mississippi.
• Employees and their families are not eligible.
• Beware of dog.
• Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show.
• Limited time offer: call now to ensure prompt delivery.
• You must be present to win.
• No passes accepted for this engagement.
• No purchase necessary.
• You may not modify, adapt, translate, reverse-code, decompile, or disassemble the Software, or make any attempt to discover the source code to the Software.
• This space left blank intentionally.
• Processed at location stamped in code at top of carton.
• Shading within a garment may occur.
• Use only in a well-ventilated area.
• Keep away from fire or flames.
• Replace with same type.
• Approved for veterans.
• Booths for two or more.
• Unauthorized access attempts or use may subject you to a fine and/or imprisonment in accordance with Title 18, USC, Section 1030 or administrative penalaties or dismissal.
• Check here if tax deductible.
• Some equipment shown is optional.
• Price does not include taxes.
• No Canadian coins.
• Not recommended for children.
• Prerecorded for this time zone.
• Reproduction strictly prohibited.
• No solicitors.
• No anchovies unless otherwise specified.
• Restaurant package, not for resale.
• List at least two alternate dates.
• First pull up, then pull down.
• Call toll free number before digging.
• Driver does not carry cash.
• Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only.
• Record additional transactions on back of previous stub.
• Do not fold, spindle or mutilate.
• Do not expose to rain.
• No transfers issued until the bus comes to a complete stop.
• DISSEMINATION AND EXTRACTION OF INFORMATION CONTROLLED BY ORIGINATOR.
• Package sold by weight, not volume.
• Your mileage may vary.
• This supersedes all previous notices.
• This Does Not Supply Iodine.

---o0o---