Ted Stevens escapes the hangman's noose and the hunters become the hunted

illustration by jack brummet

By Pablo Fanque
All This Is That National Affairs Editor

The Justice Department moved today to drop all charges against former Senator and current douchebag Ted Stevens of Alaska, who just barely lost his seat last year after being convicted on seven felony counts of ethics violations.

Stevens faced serious prison time over the charges. But the judge, Emmet Sullivan, has been reluctant to stick him in the hoosegow, because of the earlier accusations of prosecutorial misconduct.

In an utterly depressing and incredible new development (about which rumors have bounced around for months), Justice Department lawyers told a federal court that they had discovered yet another instance of prosecutorial misconduct (it must have been egregious!) in the case and asked that the convictions be voided. Attorney General Eric F. Holder Jr. said that "in the interests of justice," there would be no new trial.

And, now, the hunters become the hunted (there may be a little justice after all). It appears that at least some of the prosecutors who tried Stevens on ethics charges would now face ethics charges themselves and be sent to a "don't drop your soap" federal prison.
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Boo-hoo: Senator Ted Stevens is headed for the hoosegow

click Senator Ted Stevens to enlarge

By Pablo Fanque,
All This Is That National Affairs Editor

U.S. Senator Ted Stevens (Republican, Alaska) was charged Tuesday with hiding more than a quarter million dollars in "gifts," including home renovations, that he received from an Alaska oil company, the Justice Department said. That only includes the hiding, friendos, not the taking and soliciting.


The Alaska politician, who has been in the Senate longer than almost any other Senator (40 years) was indicted by a grand jury indictment on seven counts of lying on Senate financial disclosure forms. Not surprisingly, he is also one of the biggest scolds in Congress. He joins fellow Republicans like Senator Larry Craig who was busted for atempting to have sex in an airport bathroom; David Vitter who cheated on his wife with prostitutes while haranguing us about "family values;" and even disgraced ex-Governor Elliott Spitzer, who also had a yen for prostitutes, while publicly campaigning to shut down "call girl rings."



Soon to be Ex-Senator Stevens denied the charges, of course, and swore he would be exonerated. But he had to step down from his various committees in the Senate. He has thus far, given no indication he plans to resign from the Senate."I am innocent of these charges and intend to prove that," Stevens said in a statement. "I have never knowingly submitted a false disclosure form required by law as a U.S. senator."

There was no immediate signal that Republicans would pressure Stevens to resign, but give it a few days. On the other hand, the Senator may well continue with his re-election campaign. I suspect the Senator would want us to believe that he, along with us, are victims of the deviancy amplification spiral.
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