This is a concatenation of three different "internet files," with a few of my own lines thrown in. Authorship of the originals is totally unknown. I found several people claiming authorship of parts of it...so who really knows? These are files I gophered, FTP'd, etc., around ten years ago. These tidbits of wisdom may be even more applicable now than they were then...
- During all police investigations it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
- Dogs can survive natural and man-made disasters that wipe out entire human populations.
- If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing Chinese New Year parade -- any day of the year.
- All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
- All grocery shopping bags contain at least one loaf of French Bread and celery.
- Anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off -- even while scuba diving.
- The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
- If you need to reload your gun, more ammo will always appear...
- You're very likely to survive any battle in any war--unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. An approximate German accents works fine.
- If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster, serial killer, or beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade.
- The Eiffel Tower is visible from every window in Paris.
- A man shows no pain while taking a ferocious beating but winces when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
- If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it in the next few minutes.
- The Chief of Police is always black.
- When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill -- it will always be the exact fare.
- Interbreeding is possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
- Kitchens don't have light switches at night -- you should open the refrigerator door and use that light instead.
- If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
- Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning.
- Cars that crash always burst into flames.
- A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a stadium.
- Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
- Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
- Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
- It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
- Even when driving down a straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
- It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting, especially in New York and L.A.
- Many detectives can only solve a case once they have been suspended from duty.
- If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will know all the steps.
- Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts -- your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one-by-one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
- When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
- Nobody involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock -- if they do, they will die within five minutes.
- Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their exact opposite.
- When they are alone, foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
- You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
- Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment
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