Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Federal Communications Commission To The Parents Television Council: Quit Dicking Around!

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You may call President Nixon by his nickname, Dick.
[1]
You may call the late President a dick, a synonym for jerk. [2]
You may not refer to RMN's sexual organ, using his nickname's homonym. [3]

You may not be able to say that ex-POTUS Richard Nixon "d***ed" the people of the United States. [4]
You may say that he dicked around too long with Watergate.
[5]
You may say that he dicked the Vietnamese War. [6]

In a move guaranteed to absolutely muck up the Maginot Line of Decency, the F.C.C. denied 36 indecency complaints yesterday. Those complaints were filed by the Parents Television Council, conservative watchdogs that file thousands of complaints each year. This notoriously priggish group of killjoys has criticized the F.C.C's crackdown on indecency as not being punitive enough on broadcasters. Today, Tim Winter, executive director of the PTC, is squealing like a mortally wounded swamp sow.

The complaints booted by the F.C.C. stem from episodes of shows such as "NYPD Blue," "Dawson's Creek" and "Boston Public." The offending programs feature characters using a term that is a synonym for "jerk."[2] Other complaints the F.C.C. denied focused on episodes of "Friends," "Will & Grace," "Scrubs" and other programs in which the characters discussed sex.

We know that of the hundreds of thousands of words in the English language, there are seven you cannot say on broadcast TV.

Television may show buttocks. "NYPD Blue" had episodes in which both Dennis Franz and David Caruso's buttocks were shown (boo) as well as showing the buttocks of Kim Delaney and Andrea Thompson (hurrah).

Television is permitted to show dead people naked if they are piled in a mass grave [7]. The breasts and buttocks of non-white people are routinely shown in National Geographic TV specials. You may show the breasts and buttocks and even full frontal nudity of white people, if they are prisoners of war, or interned in a death camp [8]. It is OK to show a nipple if it has a sword or knife through it, but not if it has a ring through it. In fact, it's probably not kosher to show many of these parts if the person has a heartbeat. It was not OK when Janet Jackson aired her nipple out for three seconds.

It's hard to know what we know. Will the new F.C.C. Chairperson step up the crackdown, or continue to ease up the rules (if that is what is happening here)?. Rejecting these claims seems like an interesting step. The PTC, naturally, would like to see one of their own in the Chairman position. The next thing we hear from from the F.C.C. may well be a "course correction." Steady as she goes, fellas!

[1] Among others, nicknames for Richard include, Rich, Richie, Rick, and Dick.
[2] Or, a person, almost always a man, regarded as mean or contemptible.
[3] A vulgar synonym for the penis, along with Johnson, John Thomas, tallywhacker, member, one-eyed Jack, and hundreds of other synonyms. The Germans refer to all genitalia as "the parts of shame. "
[4] Since that usage alludes to the vulgar term for the act of sexual intercourse.
[5] Here, dicked means to spend time idly, or, fool around.
[6] Dicked, in this sense meaning "to botch or bungle."
[7] In numerous documentaries and news programs on The Holocaust and the German concentration camps.
[8] Spielberg's "Schindler's List," broadcast on national television, included several scenes of frontal nudity.

---o0o---

Monday, January 24, 2005

poem: Not Past Tense Yet

I can't get him out of my mind;
he's been out of his own for years.

He stares into the cracked mirror,
hoping that spontaneous combustion

will take him to that cold island
across the river.
---o0o---

jack brummet

Not This Future


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foo

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Pretty In Pink And Deranged: A Mark Ryden Show In Seattle


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I went to see Mark Ryden's show this weekend at the Frye Art Museum in Seattle. I went twice. Wow. He is an amazing figurative and technical painter, and a master of juxtaposition, of color and light, and of evoking bygone images and concepts, alongside the modern. Ryden's work makes most of the famed surrealist painters look like chumps.

These thirty paintings are dense, whimsical, terrifying, and always surprising. Ryden's art seems to echo Freud, Surrealism, Classic painting, symbolism, dream theory, and French ultra-realist painters, as well as being influenced by realistic (and nostalgic) children's book art. Forget all this blather, 'though, and just go see the show. I haven't enjoyed a modern painter's work so much in many years.

The frames in this exhibition are some of the coolest I have ever seen. In some cases, he appears to have the frames entirely custom made--carved, finished, and aged. I wouldn't be surprised if some of the frames cost $10,000 to make. They alone are worth seeing.

If you live near Seattle, or Pasadena, where the show will move in February, don't miss this disturbing and exhilarating show...

His web site http://www.markryden.com is well worth visiting. The show catalog is wonderful, and is available at the Frye, and at Amazon.com.
---o0o---

Johnny Carson


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Breaking news reports this morning say Johnny Carson has died. Johnny was a huge pop culture presence, and if you are "of a certain age," you remember when he was on television that there was little else on. By the time The Tonight Show came on at 11:30 PT, a lot of the other stations had signed off for the night (even major cities only had a few stations). I won't go on about how iconic he was, or about how he helped break so many major comedians, or how he was "cool" in the Hugh Hefner/Rat Pack sort of world. You'll be able to read about him later today.

The Beach Boys (when Brian Wilson was in his seriously wacked out phase) wrote a song entitled Johnny Carson. It was one of their very strangest songs ever (right up there with Take Good Care of Your Feet). The lyrics don't do the song justice...you have to hear it to appreciate how truly bizarre it is:

He sits behind his microphone
John-ny Car-son
He speaks in such a manly tone
John-ny Car-son
Ed McMahon comes on and says "Here's Johnny"
Every night at eleven thirty he's so funny

It's (nice) to (have) you (on) the (show) tonight
I've seen (your) act (in) Vegas out of sight
When guests are boring he fills up the slack
John-ny Car-son
The network makes him break his back
John-ny Car-son

Ed McMahon comes on and says "Here's Johnny"
Every night at eleven thirty he's so funny
Don't (you) think (he's) such (a) natural guy
The (way) he's (kept) it (up) could make you cry

Who's a man that we admire?
Johnny Carson is a real live wire.
[repeat chorus four times]
---o0o---

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Random Numbers And Deviates


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A classic and strange book has been reissued. A Million Random Digits With 100,000 Normal Deviates [1] by our old friends, The Rand Corporation. It retails for $30 (paperback) and you can get it for $20 at amazon. The reviews, of course, are hilarious geek humor. Click on the title of this entry to read more about the book. Or buy it!

[1] The book routinely used by statisticians, physicists, polltakers, market analysts, lottery administrators, and quality control engineers. A 2001 article in the New York Times on the value of randomness featured the original edition of the book, published in 1955 by the Free Press. The rights have since reverted to RAND, and in this digital age, they wanted to reissue a new edition of the book in its original format.

Friday, January 21, 2005

One Of My Favorite Government Photographs


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Unfortunately, it's not a flying saucer, but the domed top of a 70 foot long vacuum tank in Cleveland, Ohio at the renamed John H. Glenn Research Center. The guys in protective clothing had just emerged from within the tank where they had been cleaning in the toxic mercury atmosphere. This NASA photo was taken on January 1, 1961. Ike had three weeks left in office. John Glenn hadn't even gone into outer space yet. Camelot was about to be in session. /jack
---o0o--

Painting: Sixteen Panels


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This Is Hump Day, When We Finally Have More Of President Bush Behind Us Than Ahead Of Us

January 21, 2005.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Oath of Office 1-20-05

"I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States."

Dr. Condoleezza Rice - Nude Photos

Did you arrive at All This Is That looking for photos of Secretary of State Dr. Condoleezza Rice, nude or in flagrante with men, women, or both? Google shows large numbers of people searching for hot Conde photos. If bona fide photos do exist, I know you, the denizens of the WWW, will find them. Happy Hunting! You'd probably find more interesting pictures of people who pose nekkid professionally, but if you're just interested in sexing up The White House, you're on the right path-- at least it seems preferable to a passel of photos of, say, Paul Wolfowitz or VPOTUS Dick Cheney...
/jack
---o0o---

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

The President's Second Half: At Least Do No Harm

On the Reuters Wire today:


"PARIS (Reuters) - The rest of the world will be watching with anxiety when President Bush is inaugurated Thursday for a second time, fearing the most powerful man on the planet may do more harm than good."

Our Allies' anxiety focuses on our unilateral approach to foreign affairs and incursions. Our friends hope, but doubt, POTUS will, like the Hippocratic Oath, "help, or at least do no harm."

I'm not expecting a lot from this President but I hope he keeps the damage to a manageable level. Especially the collateral damage! Is that asking too much? Believe it or not, among my friends, I am probably the most hopeful and upbeat about this second term.

Click on the title for a link to the Reuters article.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Monday, January 17, 2005

Fishing With The Old Man

We always went to a promising, well-stocked lake on opening day and then hit various lakes every week or two while the lake season was open. I wasn't often included on Steelhead [1] fishing because of inclement weather, the treacherous stretches of the river, and my uncanny ability to fall into any proximate body of water. We didn't fish saltwater, unless you count crab pots and clamguns.

On a Serious Fishing Trip, you needed men, mountains, fly-fishing gear, canned food, and a good load of John Barleycorn. For serious fishing, we headed east, to the Bumping River. We drove far south in the Green River Valley, and then cut up into the mountain foothills and circled around Mount Rainier, to the Cougar Flats campground. The closest towns were Goose Prairie [2] and the little town of Naches.

The fishing expedition included me, my dad, and at various times, Al Sorenson, his son Jack and his friend, Sonny, Bill Cavanaugh (a notoriously besotted bartender), Big Bob Hansen, Al Simms, my Uncle Romey (Raw' mee), his son Jimmy, a couple of station wagons, a jeep, and a pickup. The men were salt of the earth, blue-collar, Democratic, card carrying Teamsters. Not a one of them graduated from high school, or even completed junior high. Most of them lied about their age to get into the service during The Depression. They were now furnace repairmen, sheetrockers, drivers, mechanics, and cabinet makers in their mid-thirties.

We headed into the mountains after a stop in Auburn or Puyallup at the state Liquor Store. We bought whiskey (Four Roses or Seagram's Seven Crown), and cases of Olympia Beer and Honeydew or Shasta soda for the kids.

One whiskey mishap is seared into my brain--a senseless outrage I committed upon an innocent jug of Four Roses. We hit a rest stop. As I opened the door, I smurfed a half gallon jug of whiskey onto the sidewalk. It broke. Five men raced into action. One guy held the bottom of the jug upright to prevent any further diminution of its contents, another one tried to dam up the little brown river. Someone might have licked the concrete downstream of the disaster. I almost remember some misty eyes. I was in the doghouse and, henceforth, the jug was stored wherever I wouldn't be, preferably in another vehicle entirely. I don't know how many miles we backtracked to replenish the Four Roses, but I do remember Bill Cavanaugh telling me I "was about as handy as a cub bear handling his p**ck."

In the grand scheme of things, I merely postponed our arrival, and cocktail hour, at Cougar Flats. It's not like any lines were going to be wetted the first day of the trip. There was plenty of time to get the Seven and Sevens [3] poured, and to feed the kids, and themselves, cooking dinner on a Coleman Stove and over the campfire.

There was Dinty Moore Beef Stew waiting, and Chef Boy R Dee's Ravioli, Bar-S Hot Dogs, Vienna Sausages, Franco-American Spaghetti-O's , Rice-A-Roni, Chili con Carne, Tang[tm], the space age Kool-Aid, Honeydew Strawberry, Olympia beer chilling in a fishing net in the river, Spam, Pork and Beans, Canned Tamales, hot cocoa, candy bars, and beef jerky.

Even at the age of seven, the excitement of the road trip was infectious. There was swearing, farting, loud laughter, and a general relaxation of all rules of decorum. The place names were magical: The Bumping River, Cougar Flats (I don't remember ever hearing a bobcat/mountain lion/cougar), Goose Prarie, and Naches. Mount Rainier was another magical name, and we were so close, you could almost touch it. There were deer, fox, beaver, raccoon, coyotes, squirrels, bear, crows, woodpeckers, owls, badgers, marmots and river otters.

We camped among thick stands of Douglas Fir, in old oiled canvas tents with a fine tang of mildew. The woods were lush with salal, Oregon Grape, nettles, strange mushrooms, ferns, banana slugs, and moss. Rainbow and Cutthroat Trout were our quarry. At least in theory; I don't much remember the fishing part of the trip. I remember hikes to see the bears, seeing men in the middle of the river in their khaki-colored waders, fried baloney sandwiches, hot cocoa, beer pancakes and chili with oyster crackers for dinner. I remember the stories that were spun as the adult beverages made the rounds.

Around the campfire, they told endless, improbable stories punctuated with guffaws and snorts of disbelief. They spun World War II yarns of army and navy shenanigans, being on a thirty day run of KP for fighting, or breaking into the supply huts to make off with the torpedo juice [4]. They didn't talk about fighting the Germans and the Japanese. They told shaggy-dog stories of run-ins with the Military Police while on shore leave, and being put in the brig for some minor offense or "misunderstanding." There were elaborate tales of the German Girls, the French Girls, the Australian girls, the Philllipine girls, and the Japanense girls, none of which made sense to me. Tales of outwitting the sociopath drill sargeant, or pulling pranks on their entire army company were favorites.

Every night, we secured the camp against the bears and even the squirrels by hoisting the food up in bags and dangling the bags far out on a tree limb (or locking it in cars). We kept the campsite far cleaner than we kept ourselves. A pan of grease poured onto the ground injudiciously could easily attract a momma bear and her two cubs. We often heard the bears rummaging around outside the tents at night. More than once, we would wake up to find a loaf of bread we had forgotten with a neat squirrel hole burrowed straight through the middle. The bears mostly kept their distance since the fishing was good and there was a garbage dump a couple of miles away.

In the morning, after bacon, beer pancakes hot cocoa and coffee, we would fish. I was usually tied up on the bank, just like when I "fished" for Steelhead on the Green River [5]. I was tethered to a tree so they could keep track of me, and because if there was a body of water nearby, I would invariably fall in.

There must have been dozens, but my only memory of seeing a fish was when Jack Sorenson and his friend, Sonny (they were about 15 or 16), jumped in the river and grabbed a couple of cutthroats. They had been fishing all day and finally gave up and snagged the fish with their bare hands.

On the return trip, back to the west side of the mountains, I was given strict instructions to watch my language and not tell any tales. It was an early lesson in the motto "what you see here, stays here."

I went fishing with my dad many more times. Usually we fished the nearby lakes for trout, and sometimes on the Green River for the elusive Steelhead Trout. My father's desire for me to excel at fishing ran head-on into my utter inability to sit quietly and fish. Sitting in his pram on a lake, it was very difficult to sit still, and even more difficult to remain quiet.

No matter how many times they told me, I never really believed the fish could hear me, and even if they could, that the babbling of a seven year old would seriously disturb them or prevent them from lunging for the eggs on our hooks.

I drove my old man nuts when we fished. In the boat on the lake, his pole would most often sit unattended as he cussed and attempted to either untangle my fishing line, fix my fishing reel, or rig a new leader, sinker, hook and bait when I tore mine off in snags at the bottom of the lake. When my line wasn't twisted around the anchor, I was talking, and if I wasn't talking I wanted lunch, and if I'd had lunch, I needed to take a pee, and if I didn't have to pee, I got my fishing line hopelessly entangled in his.

Despite hectoring him with demands, and preventing him from ever actually fishing, he brought me along every chance he had[6] . All he wanted to do was drop a line in the water and wait for the fish to bite. All he wanted to hear was the slow lapping of the lake against the boat. But his spawn was a hopeless motormouth, utterly uncoordinated and tempermentally unsuited to the fishing life. He got it.

After returning from one of my earliest trips (I was in kindergarten or the first grade), I landed in hot water at school. The fishing story I told during "Show And Tell" was peppered with C***sucker, sonofabitch, and other choice scatalogical references. I must have learned to keep my mouth shut after that. I do not believe the men mended their ways.
---o0o---

[1] Steelhead Trout are an ocean going rainbow trout, considered to be one of the great sport fish. They are extremely tasty.
[2] Home of the great Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas, who wrote about the area in his bestseller Of Men and Mountains.
[3] One part Seagram's Seven and one part 7-Up, over ice. Mmmm.
[4] An alcoholic beverage in World War II, made from the high grain alcohol fuel used in torpedo motors. The poisons in these liquids were passed through makeshift filters (e.g., they poured it through a loaf of bread).
[5] Yes. That Green River. I grew up two blocks from the river where Gary "The Green River Killer" Ridgeway dumped the bodies of his 50+ victims many years later.
[6] John Newton Brummet II died six months after JFK, on May 19, 1964.