I keep trying to draw a face with no curves at all. . .
---o0o---
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Dick Cheney's heart transplant and what the surprised surgeons found
By Pablo Fanque, National Affairs Editor
The Associated Press reported this morning that Ex-Vice President Dick Cheney, who has suffered five heart attacks since he was 37, "underwent a heart transplant Saturday after more than 20 months on a transplant list, according to his office."
Two years ago, the former VP had a manual heart pump installed (generally a transitional device for people on the transplant list). At the time he told reporters that he "hadn’t decided whether to seek a heart transplant."
All This Is That contacted the hospital press office, as well as some of the transplant team medical staff early this afternoon.
"It was the damnedest thing you ever saw," a member of the surgical team told All This Is That. "After we opened up his chest to perform the operation, we removed what we thought was his heart. It turned out to be a fat lump of bituminous coal! He was, in effect, some kind of zombie. We installed the new heart, fired it up, and he is now recovering. . ."
---o0o---
Shaggy Dog Story No. 12 - Quasimodo
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had just about decided to call it a day. But just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. Incredulously, the bishop blurted out, "But . . . but . . . you have no arms!" "No matter," said the man: "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window, falling to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist the bishop continued his interviews for a new bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly. "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
---o0o---
Faces No. 279 - Eighteen
By Jack Brummet
[hand-drawn scratchboard, digitally reversed]
[hand-drawn scratchboard, digitally reversed]
click to enlarge
---o0o---
Friday, March 23, 2012
Shaggy Dog Story No. 11: The Blind Pilots
 The cockpit door closes, the engines start up. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway. People by the windows realize they're heading right towards the water at the end of the runway. Panic ensues. Screams fill the air. At that very moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly. Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot. "Y'know, Bob," he says. "One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die." ---o0o--- |
Ex-Senator Rick Santorum endorses President Barack Obama: I love this guy!
By Pablo Fanque, National Affairs Editor
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Ex-Senator Rick Santorum said yesterday that Romney is so much like Obama, voters in November should just stick with the incumbent. In Texas, the candidate once again held up front-runner Mittens as the Etch A Sketch candidate, who will change his positions after the primary.
"You win by giving people a choice," he said. "You win by giving people the opportunity to see a different vision for our country, not someone who's just going to be a little different than the person in there. If you're going to be a little different, we might as well stay with what we have instead of taking a risk with what may be the Etch A Sketch candidate of the future." I effing love this guy!
Romney's top political strategist suggested that Ex-Senator Santorum's continued presence in the race makes him President Obama's "most valuable player."
---o0o---
Thursday, March 22, 2012
New Public Policy Polling results show Mitt Romney less popular than George W. Bush
By Pablo Fanque, National Affairs Editor
A new survey from Public Policy Polling shows that Ex-Governor Mitt Romney is viewed favorably by 33 percent of voters, with nearly double that number—58%—viewing him unfavorably. Ex-President George W. Bush, who reached Nixon-style lows while in The White House, fared far better in the same poll—45% favorable and 46% unfavorable. As Public Policy Polling wrote, "The former president has seen something of a rehabilitation in his image since he left office and memories of his administration have begun to fade, but for him to be stronger than Romney among independent voters just a few years after an economic meltdown and disaster in Iraq is striking. "
This poll also seems to put the lie to Romney's oft repeated claim of electability and inevitability: "Romney is actually not the most electable Republican candidate on this poll. Ron Paul and Rick Santorum both do a point better than him, trailing by 3 points at 46-43 and 48-45 respectively."
—o0o—
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Shaggy Dog Story No. 10: The Checkout Line
 The Checkout Line She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease, it's just that you look so much like my late son." He answered, "That's okay." "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout. As she was on her way out of the store the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom." The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85," said the clerk. "How come so much? I only bought five 5 items." The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things too." ---o0o--- |
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Painting: Accidental Death
by Jack Brummet
[18"x24", watercolor, pencil, and Sharpie on a found sheet of paper used as an illustration in a moot court trial. I added the scribbles and illustration; 100% hand-made]
[18"x24", watercolor, pencil, and Sharpie on a found sheet of paper used as an illustration in a moot court trial. I added the scribbles and illustration; 100% hand-made]
click to enlarge
---o0o---
Shaggy dog story No. 9: Moishe and The Pope
Moishe and the Pope: a shaggy dog story
In the Dark Ages, the Pope decreed that all Jews had to leave Rome. The Jews did not want to leave so the Pope challenged them to prove that they could remain. No one wanted the responsibility until Moishe, the synagogue janitor, volunteered.
Since no one else wanted to go Moishe was given the task. Moishe only spoke Hebrew and the Pope did not so it was agreed that there would be a silent debate. When the day of the debate came they went to St. Peter's Square.
The Pope waved his hand around his head. Moishe pointed firmly at the ground.
The Pope held up three fingers. Moishe held up his middle finger.
The crowd started to complain but the Pope thoughtfully waved them to be quiet. He took out a bottle of wine and a wafer and held them up. Moishe took out an apple and held it up.
To the peoples' surprise, the Pope announced, "I concede. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."
Later that day, the Pope was asked what the debate had meant.
He explained, "First, I showed him the Heavens, to show that God is everywhere. He pointed at the ground to signify that God is right here with us."
He continued, "I showed him three fingers, for the Trinity. He reminded me that there is One God common to both our religions."
The Pope concluded, "I showed him wine and a wafer, for God's forgiveness. With an apple, he showed me original sin. The man was a master of silent debate."
Back at the synagogue, the leaders asked Moishe what happened. He said, "It was all nonsense, really. First, he told me that this whole town would be free of Jews. I told him where he could go and that we were staying right here."
Moishe continued, "Then, he told me we had three days to get out. I told him just what I thought of that proposal."
An older woman asked, "But what about the part at the end?"
"That?" said Moishe with a shrug, "Well, I saw him take out his lunch so I took out mine."
---o0o---
Shaggy Dog Story No. 8: The conductor
The Conductor
The world's best and most famous conductor makes a small mistake while conducting the New York Symphony Orchestra. The audience doesn't notice, the orchestra didn't notice either, but he knew he'd made the mistake and decided that he should retire. Once the performance had finished, he turned and faced the audience and said "Ladies and Gentleman, this is my last performance as a world class conductor. I'm now announcing my retirement."
After a few minutes silence from the shocked audience, and orchestra too, he was greeted with boos and hisses. He walked from the stage, only to be met by his manager, standing in between two gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Oh no you don't", his manager said, "you're not retiring."
Forced backed to work by his manager, he endured week after week of conducting he no longer wanted to do. While lying in bed one night with his wife of many years he turned to her and said "Dear, would you be able to get me a small hand-gun?" "Yes dear", she said, and he rolled over and went to sleep.
Sure enough, at his next performance, the conductor began with the small hand-gun concealed in the his jacket. Once the concert had finished he turned to the audience and said "I'm announcing my retirement for the second time. This is my last performance."
The tuba player from the orchestra stood up and shouted "You can't be serious!" The conductor whipped out his hand-gun and shot the tuba player dead. It wasn't long before the police arrived and the conductor was taken away.
Days later, the conductor was taken to court. "How do you plead to the charge of first-degree murder?", the judge inquired. "Guilty your honour", the conductor replied. "Do you realize that the sentence for first degree murder in this state is death by electrocution?", the judge added. The conductor thought for a moment but came to the conclusion that death would surely be better than continuing on like he was. "Yes, your honour", the conductor said.
While being strapped into the electric chair, one of the guards came to the conductor and said, "You may have one last request before we terminate your life. What would you like?" After pondering for a few seconds the conductor replied, "A silver platter with a dozen bananas." His request was granted and the conductor hastily ate the bananas. The room was emptied and the switch was flicked. The conductor's hair stood on end but he survived! As one guard was about to the flick the switch again, he was stopped. "He survived the chair and the law says we have to let him go."
The conductor left the building only to be greeted by his manager and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Back to work", his manager said. More weeks of forced conducting went by. Lying in bed again one night with wife he asked, "Dear, could you get me a grenade?" "Yes dear", she replied.
At his next performance the conductor waited until the end of the concert, with the grenade tucked neatly in his undies. "For the third time, I'm announcing my retirement!", he yelled. The conductor took out the grenade, pulled the pin, and threw it into the audience. The grenade exploded, killing 23 members of the crowd. The police arrived and he was taken away again.
"You again?", the judge asked. "I thought I'd sentenced you to death not long ago?" The conductor shrugged. "Ok, how do you plead to 23 counts of first degree murder?", the judge said. "Guilty to all counts", the conductor replied.
While the settings were changed to triple the voltage of the current going to the chair, the conductor was granted another last request. "A silver platter with 2 dozen bananas", was his answer. He hastily devoured the bananas, the room was evacuated, and the switch was flicked. It appeared that they'd manage to kill him this time, but their fears were realised when the conductor regained consciousness as they were about to remove his body. His manager and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards were waiting for him and he left the building. "Back to work."
The weeks dragged on and the conductor had had all that he could take. "Dear, could you get me a missile launcher?", he asked his wife as they lay in bed. "Yes dear", she replied.
It was all too much for the conductor and he didn't even wait for the concert to start. "Damn you all!" he screamed. He launched a missile into the New York Symphony Orchestra, killing all 190 odd members. The army was called in this time and he was dragged away.
"You again!?! You're supposed to be DEAD!", the judge roared. The conductor just shrugged.
"May I ask how you plead for 190 counts of first degree murder?" "Guilty as sin!", the conductor screamed.
"The $@%*&$ deserved it!" The conductor was hauled away.
A public announcement was issued to all local residents warning that there would be a short cut in the power. Meanwhile, the city's electrical engineers were busy re-routing all the electricity they could into the electric chair. Once again, the conductor was granted a last request.
"Three dozen bananas on a silver platter", he said.
He hastily devoured the bananas, the building was completely vacated, and the electric chair was activated by remote control from some 2 kilometres away.
The building exploded, reducing it to rubble. They fished through the ruins to find the conductor's ruined body. His funeral was held some days later. As the casket was being lowered into the grave there was a knock on the coffin lid. Women fainted as the conductor crawled out of coffin - alive!
He was taken to a large press conference. One reporter stood up and asked "You've survived three visits to the electric chair. How did you do it?"
"I've tried telling people before", he said. "I'm just a bad conductor."
---o0o---
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
[in Just-] (spring) by e.e. cummings
[in Just-]
by e.e. cummings
in Just-
spring when the world is mud-
luscious the little
lame baloonman
whistles far and wee
and eddieandbill come
running from marbles and
piracies and it's
spring
when the world is puddle-wonderful
the queer
old baloonman whistles
far and wee
and bettyandisbel come dancing
from hop-scotch and jump-rope and
it's
spring
and
the
goat-footed
baloonMan whistles
far
and
wee
---o0o---
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