By Pablo Fanque
All This Is That National Affairs Editor
Governor David Paterson in an apparent fit of pique, has unleashed a set of 88 new taxes that insiders say are a punitive measure against what the Governor privately called "This c***sucking Saturday Night Live generation of Blackberry packing, iPod toting, spoiled a**holes!"
Editor's Warning: The video clip of SNL has been sporadically available on YouTube. The link below may well be broken by the time you read this. Bending to pressure from Patterson, and other groups, YouTube has deemed the video clip "offensive."
The Governor also said "I've been up front with these f***ing a**holes, admitted having affairs, snorting coke. My wife had affairs and did blow too. So motherf***ing what! Look what honesty gets me! Ridiculed on Saturday Night Live. How f***ing dare they mock my blindness! I can't pay back the whole f***ing country over this one. But I'll be glad to start with these New York creeps."
Although the Governor is attempting to close a $15+ Billion dollar budget gap, most observers agreed the new taxes were retaliatory. The Governor's office rolled out a punitive tax package that included, among many other taxes:
an 18% tax on soda,
an iPod tax,
a new movie theater tax,
doubling the taxes on beer and wine (holy cow!),
new taxes on massages (up to 50% for "full release/happy ending"),
an additional tax on cigars,
a tax on all digitally-delivered entertainment (which, of course, includes phone ringtones, phone games, games delivered online like World of Warcraft, movies pn demand or purchased, videos, and iPod downloads to name a few),
a sporting event tax,
another taxi tax,
a new bus tax,
a limo tax,
cable TV tax,
a radio tax,
and a clothing tax.
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