Snore Wife And Some Several Dwarts is a story from John Lennon's second book, A Spaniard In The Works (1965). I loved his two books (his first was In His Own Write) when they came out in the early Beatles' days. [ed's note: I get pretty hilarious results from JL's story when I run this post through the spell-checker.
By John Lennon
Once upon upon in a dizney far away - say three hundred year agoal if you like - there lived a sneaky forest some several dwarts or cretins; all named - Sleezy, Grumpty, Sneezy, Dog, Smirkey, Alice? Derick - and Wimpey. Anyway they all dug about in a diamond mind, which was rich beyond compere. Every day when they came hulme from wirk, they would sing a song - just like ordinary wirkers - the song went something like - 'Yo ho! Yo ho! it's off to wirk we go! ' - which is silly really considerable they were comeing hulme. (Perhaps ther was slight housework to be do.)
One day howitzer they (Dwarts) arrived home, at aprodestant, six o'cloth, and who? - who do they find? - but only Snore Wife, asleep in Grumpty's bed. He didn't seem to mine. 'Sam- body's been feeding my porrage! ' screams Wimpey, who was ' wearing a light blue pullover. Meanwife in a grand Carstle, not so mile away, a womand is looging in her daily mirror, shouting, 'Mirror mirror on the wall, whom is de fairy in the land.' which doesn't even rhyme. 'Cassandle!' answers the mirror. 'Chrish O'Malley' studders the womand who appears to be a Queen or a witch or an acorn.
'She's talking to that mirror again farther?' says Misst Cradock, 'I've just seen her talking to that mirror again.' Father Cradock turns round slowly from the book he is eating and ex- plains that it is just a face she is going through and they're all the same at that age. 'Well I don't like it one tit,' continhughs Misst Cradock. Father Cradock turns round slowly from the book he is eating, explaining that she doesn't have to like it, and promptly sets fire to his elephant. 'Sick to death of this elephant I am,' he growls, 'sick to death of it eating like an elephant all over the place.'
Suddenly bark at the Several Dwarts home, Snore Wife has became a firm favourite, especially with her helping arm, brushing away the little droppings. 'Good old Snore Wife! ' thee all sage, 'Good old Snore Wife is our fave rave.' 'And I like you tooth! ' rejoices Snore Wife, 'I like you all my little dwarts.' Without warping they hear a soddy voice continuallykhan shoubing and screeging about apples for sale. 'New apples for old! ' says the above hearing voice. 'Try these nice apples for chrissake!' Grumpy turnips quick and answers shooting - 'Why?' and they all look at him.
A few daisy lately the same voice comes hooting aboon the apples for sale with a rarther more firm aproach saying 'These apples are definitely for sale.' Snore Wife, who by this time is curiously aroused, stick her heads through the window. Any- way she bought one - which didn't help the trade gap at all. Little diggerydoo that it was parsened with deathly arsenickers. The woman (who was the wickered Queen in disgust) cackled away to her carstle in the hills larfing fit to bust.
Anyway the handsome Prince who was really Misst Cra-dock, found out and promptly ate the Wicked Queen and smashed up the mirror. After he had done this he journeyed to the house of the Several Dwarts and began to live with them. He refused to marry Snore Wife on account of his health, what with her being poissoned and that, but they came to an agree- ment much to the disgust of Sleepy - Grumpty - Sneeky - Dog - Smirkey - Alice? - Derick and Wimpy. The Dwarts clubbed together and didn't buy a new mirror, but always sang a happy song. They all livered happily ever aretor until they died - which somebody of them did naturally enough.
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