The smartest first grader, ever

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:
'9.'

Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry:
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands .'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:
'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.
---o0o---

The Window: a joke

A guy goes into a bar on the tenth floor of a hotel. He has a couple of drinks, and stands up. He announces loudly that he has had enough, walks over and jumps out the window.

Two men sitting at a window table watch as the man plummets to certain death. But, as he is about to hit the ground, he rights himself, pulls his feet underneath himself, and lands softly. He turns and comes back into the building. Naturally, the two men are stunned. The guy comes back into the bar, orders a few drinks, and does it again.

The men at the window seat are flabbergasted! When the guy returns, the two men stop him before he jumps again and ask him how he does that.

"It's simple, really. There's an air vent down by the ground, when you catch the updraft, you can right yourself and land on the ground."   He jumps out the window again.

The two men, of course, decide they have to do it too. They jump out the window, and SPLAT!

The first guy ambles back into to the bar. He sits down to order a drink, and the bartender says "Superman. . .you can be a real a**hole when you're drunk."

---o0o---

Clement Freud's joke

Writer-chef-politician Clement Freud (Sigmund's much more funny grandson) told this joke on the air once. 


---o0o---

Jokes, No. 13: The Monastery

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: hes allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words.

“Cold floors,” he says.

They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says,

“Bad food.”

They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words.

“I quit,” he says.

“Thats not surprising,” the elders say. “Youve done nothing but complain since you got here.”
---o0o---

Jokes, No. 12: The Quarters

A young boy goes into a barber shop.  The barber whispers to his customer,

“This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks,

“Which do you want, son?”

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves and sees the same boy coming out of an ice cream store.

“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licks his cone and replies,

“Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

---o0o---

The Supermarket

A guy goes to the supermarket and a beautiful blond woman waves at him and says hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't remember where he knows her from.

He says, "Do you know me?"

She smiles and says

"I think you're the father of one of my kids."

He is, of course, stunned. His mind reels back to the one time he was unfaithful to his wife.

"You're the stripper from my bachelor party? I remember. We had sex on the pool table while your partner whipped me with wet celery."

She smiles and says,


"No.  I'm your son's math teacher."
---o0o---

The Lake Of Fire

A man died and found himself in limbo, waiting in a long, long line for judgment. He noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates. Others were led over to Satan, who threw them into a lake of fire. Every so often, instead of hurling a condemned soul into the lake of fire, Satan would toss him or her off to one side.

After watching Satan do this several times, the men's curiosity got the better of him. He strolled over The Great Deceiver:+

"Excuse me, there, Your Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, and I couldn't help wondering why you toss some people off to the side instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?"

"Ah," Satan said with a grin. "Those people are from Seattle. I'm just letting them dry out so they'll burn."
---o0o---

Joke: An American Tourist

An American tourist goes on a trip to China where he is sexually promiscuous and rarely uses a condom. Not long after arriving home in the States, he awakes one morning to find that his penis is covered with bright green and purple spots.

He immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this, orders a battery of test and tells the man to return in two days.

When the man returns, the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it".

The man looks perplexed and says, "O.K., so just give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc".

The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, but there is no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".

The man says, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".

The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice, of course. Go ahead and get a second opinion if you want, but surgery is your only option."

The next day, the man finds a Chinese doctor, figuring that he will know more about the disease. The doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. This is a very rare disease."

The guy says, “I know that, but what we can do? My doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis."

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "These American doctors always want to operate. They make more money, that way. There is no need to operate!"

"Oh, Thank God," the man replies, and wipes his brow.

"Yes", says the doctor, "Don't worry! Just wait another couple of weeks and the penis will fall off by itself!"
---o0o---