I've written about shows I've seen a few times--click here to see a list of ten previous articles (or so) on shows I've attended/seen/heard (there was a grateful dead show where Keelin and I listened to a feed from a Greek Theatre Dead show (for the ticketless) piped into an amazing loudspeaker system) on a tennis court.
A meme on Facebook making the rounds asks you to name fifty concerts you've seen. Wow. I could probably come up with a few hundred more. I tried to do a mix of old and new off the top of my head...I already am feeling guilty about the people I left out. The good part about this quiz: it's homegrown & doesn't spam you or your friends, do anything skanky, or crash.
The Rules: "Test your memory and your love of live music by listing 50 artists or bands (or as many as you can remember) you've seen in concert. List the first 50 acts that come into your head. An act you saw at a festival and opening acts count, but only if you can't think of 50 other artists. Oh, and list the first concert you ever saw (you can remember that, can’t you)? "
1. The Beatles ($4 and you couldn’t hear much ["Is that Help?"]…but the Beatleness was amazing)
2. Band of Horses
3. Oscar Peterson
4. George Benson/Turrentine/Herbie Hancock/Freddie Hubbard/Ron Carter/Hubert Laws
5. Niko Case
6. The Moondoggies
7. Jimi Hendrix (The famous Sicks Stadium concert where he unloaded on his hometown).
8. Dolly Parton
9. Old 97’s (In Austin, Seattle, and at The Gorge, in George, Wash.)
10. Them, starring Van Morrison (at the skate rink in Kent, Wash.)
11. Lou Reed
12. Dolly Parton
13. The Grateful Dead (about 15 times)
14. The Posies many times (and they played at my 50th birthday party)
15. The Youngbloods
16. Mudhoney
17. Young Fresh Fellows
18. Elvis Costello (5 times)
19. The English Beat (2x
20. It’s a Beautiful Day in Austin and Seattle)
21. The Youngbloods
22. Talking Heads (5 times) NYC
23. The Ramones (4 or 5 times) NYC
24. Sonic Youth NYC
25. Blondie NYC
26. Television NYC
27. The Plasmatics NYC
28. Patti Smith NYC
29. Stan Getz
30. Miles Davis NYC
31. Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention
32. Dizzy Gillespie NYC
33. John McLaughlin/Carlos Santana – A Love Supreme tour
34. Big Star (4 times)
35. Los Lobos (4 times: Seattle 2x; San Francisco 1x; Austin 1x)
36. CSN&Y (3 times)
37. Rockpile (NYC)
38. The Kinks (Asbury Park, NJ)
39. Bob Dylan and The Band (Vancouver, B.C. Canada)
40. John Prine (Bellingham, Wash)
41. Weather Report (Bellingham, Wash)
42. Blind Boys of Alabama (2 times)
43. George Harrison
44. Bob Dylan
45. The Roches (2x NYC and Seattle)
46. Bela Fleck
47. Taj Mahal
48. Ray Brown
49. Widespread Panic
50. Al Green (1984 - Oakland Paramount)
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
My Doctor (Linda Gromko) Just Wrote A Book
Dr. Linda Gromko with her husband and daughter
My doctor, Linda Gromko, just wrote a book: "Complications: A Doctor's Love Story." OK. I haven't read it yet, but will as soon as it arrives. She's a wonderful doctor, and we've been patients of hers since her first year in practice. She delivered my son, Del. Most of all, she's been a great doctor and friend, and incredibly enough, I actually look forward to my checkups to touch base with her.
Read her book! You can find out more about it here.
---o0o---
Monday, August 10, 2009
Poem: Sycorax
Sycorax
I woke up in the wrong scene of the wrong dream
On the wrong side of the bed.
That's not my beautiful wife;
It's not Goldilocks, or Fanny Hill, either.
She has hammertoes on a clubfoot,
Cysts, warts, carbuncles, breath like a hobo's ass,
And a Tatoo on her lower back:
"Property of The Berdoo Angels."
Sycorax fires a stream of Tasers from her eyes.
And I fall to the floor like a clearcut fir.
I can't quite open my eyes.
The chain saw coughs and comes to life.
I realize with sudden clarity
That only one of us will leave this room.
---o0o---
Sunday, August 09, 2009
A Neal Cassady Rap (with annotations)
click to enlarge - Neal Cassady left, Jack Kerouac, Right
Kim Spurlock transcribed this Neal Cassady rap (probably from an acid test, since the Grateful Dead can be heard). It was annotated by Ken Kesey's close collaborator, Ken Babbs
Voice: Neal Cassady...Neal Cassady...
[Tentative Drumroll]
Neal: (OFF MIC; APPROACHING) I got the penguin(1) right here in my
pocket...Phil Phil(2) I just bought a three hundred & thirty-five dollar
fender mint Bic(3)...come again on that lemon a roasta beef(4)...Four
fingers(5) ya know are...I've forgotten it...that's just enough
see...trying to play ya see...(GROANING IN BACHGROUND) The claw(6) &
me...three inches the bigger thumb...and I said of course to the
Metro(7) as the...but it hides my thumb and also reveals my Greek
torso...well at 49th I said Spence(8) hadn't seen him since 51st...he
said move 2-49th. Nope moved to 51st. Well again Heinz(9) said...The
waiter in '56 beet the 6 seeds(10) he had. Seed law and marijuana...The
only writing I ever did was a laudatory(11)...But on marijuana
"oooooooo...," I was saying in the..."Are you alright in there on the
wall(12) Mr. Cassady?"...cause I was having these insights you see. I
only got 20 years on you.(13) I knew I should've worn more paisley.(14)
I double-crossed at...no...the son of the man(15) is about to mount the
podium. Grimsby(16) was impressed in a short drive. I said I'm serious
about America to Marco Greg(17)...at the last year you know we arrived
just in time.(18) Double park in Winnemucca(19)...speed er
endurance.(20) Six days it was. Finally she grabbed the Vick's
VapoRub(21) instead of the Vaeline it was and that was what ended it.
My first child '42 then(22)...Charlie Valencia(23) on Temple(24) where
we had an Acid Test(25)...but 1350(26) his father half Mexican half
Irish like Anthony Quinn(27) so he loved her you know...there was a
triumph of us. The only 3-way I ever had. Kerouac's not queer but my
present wife the fourth and he it was just a New Year's Eve
sortofa(28)...He was always looking for a colored girl(29)
Keroassady(30)...finally he found her Bedford-Stuyvessant and that was
the last time I committed suicide(31) I knew toward the Ford sign across
the Hudson(32)...gotta getta across this long Missouri that preacher
said VanHelLuther(33) I didn't see it.(34) Move on. Menopausal.(35)
Don't ask me how 20 years (36) I held 10 on the railroad(37) and 10 more
for...an I'll be dead a thousand years(38) see so if I don't do right
now right in it...Reb Parker(39) the same Acid Test then. He used to be
Al Collins all fat and sassy you know and but he was all skinny and
dressed in...you can work yourself into anything how do you get out of
it? 6 uh days, 6 glasses a day pretty soon your system demands it.
1000 days Aurobindo(40) says you've had it. Old Joe Alcoholic you know
we used to drink together but he went drinking. Gitcha enjoys but...Dry
is always D insteada T(41) so the second...a German
pornography(42)...(SINGING) "Burn..." Hmm each daay offered thou week
to week. O in The Name of The Christ don't call on that I say that's
another...then the next day November 1st is All Souls All Saints.(43)
He did nothin and I did nothin and finally nothin, there wasn't nothin
he wouldn't do for me and nothin I wouldn't do for him. We sat around
all the time doing nothin. 100 miles an hour goin a great 4 wheel
drift(44) he uh adjusting his goggles you know everybody in the audience
with their right foot but I can't heel and toe(45) I'm double left.(46)
I'll get the Pigpen(47) microphone going I've got to cut the
organ...Ginsberg(48) forced us up here. I went because it's a good
drive; Mt. Baker out of the Chillaquin Indian country in Oregon; the
lava beds and the guy(49) who was opposite brother Chuck's(50) Eugene
creamery should know the area. He was an editor who'll never make it
because of the rocky overhang.(51) So I drove up into the snow and found
you know...I excited all to turn him. Guy comes in last one outta the
mountains; Ed Sanders(52) leader...3 things I had: a flat tire, a place
to stay, & a joint. He handled all 3 immediately...couple years later I
found a course he had a couple wives a couple kids and everything but
anyway...it's true...yer home is...so anyway the ski-boy...I excited him
to move...a week...and I'm glad I didn't hear it...protected you
know...The minister: "I'll blow ya for money," he said-half hour later
she...what did she say...? He was listening to the radio and I said
"O..." I'd just gone thru...fortunate you know you throw off. Don't eat
when you're angry. Who was ever happy angry? Before all fixin
due...'53...a pleasure dome you see. Antrophy. Thank you...thank
you...I went...I used to have my 2-16.(53) I...left the a fleet of
course and finally the 4th largest union(54) we'll take that up but
first the guy...then the stockboy...and when I was replacing the 3rd man
from moving on Obetrol(55) changing too fast you know...the tires(56)
so...I lost my...extension.(57) Logical Positivism had a great increase
at UCLA recently they got Alcindor(58) but no water polo...what are we
gonna...? you all are surrounded...I've never found who was...I played
short short...outfield-no glove...you just need...I learned an illegal
pitch-caught Satch Paige(59) barehanded...after the 303 guard you know
had done me in cause the coach thought I was chicken. Why bother was
my...vein. The brain of the..."But Nell.(60) Now see here Hard Dick."
[Major Hoople/W.C. Fields voice] My wife medical secretary works for
Stiff Dr. Peck. Double reed.(61) From the second balcony Dillenger(62)
uh...the L5...I said to Robert Jones Melvin(63)...on the left he wears
these rings. A sensitive-we're all sensitives. Thinks it's alright to
charge to astrologize.(64)
The Embryo you know
goes thru the Fish Stage
but we didn't enter
until Ape Late.
Christ-Adam-Higher Soul
help us out thru
so the Cyclopses don't win
the Unicorn Brew.
We're here to Experience...
and finally Evolution
the Little Toe
we'll beat it tho-
The Odor of Sanctity.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. PENGUIN: Pocket book of ON THE ROAD by Jack Kerouac.
2. PHIL: Phil Lesh, bassist of the Grateful Dead.
3. BIC: Cigarette lighter, noted because Phil had no light. Five
o'clock in the morning at the Watts Acid Test, light barely
glimmering. Phil was still thumoing when Babbs shut down the
power. "No light! No light!" Phil screamed, but to no avail.
It didn't come back.
4. ROASTA BEEF: Riffing on the chow at the Straight-always the
worst, and Cassady was a truck driver's special man, hated
ratburgers.
5. FOUR FINGERS: Pertains to his flute playing, "Three finger
delight," he said, "no, that's masturbation," but in this case
he's threatening to play the flute like he always did while
driving the big bus Furthur, thus the groans from the musicians.
6. CLAW: His hand with the tip of thumb cut off. (See ON THE ROAD
for best explanation for how it happened.)
7. METRO: The law. Police station. Clenches his fist to hide the
thumb and reveal the torso, muscles tense.
8. SPENCE: Dick Spence, a connection, always drive past his place,
no telling what might be available.
9. HEINZ: As in '56 flavors in '57, or was it the other way around?
10. 6 SEEDS: busted for seeds the waiter was, can you believe it?
11. LAUDATORY: Refers to a 6 page letter to Gavin Arthur who visited
Cassady in San Quentin when Neal was doing two years for two
joints; lotta time on his hands. My brother's bar in Neal's
hometown of Denver has the letter on the wall.
12. THE WALL: Some of the best writings can be found on the shit-
house wall.
13. 20 YEARS: Cassady's a bit older than the audience in the
theater. He's being heckled.
14. PAISLEY: In vogue amongst the younger set; why not join in?
"If you want to be loved, be lovable," Cassady often said.
15. SON OF THE MAN: Christological reference to San Francisco's
Mayor's son. Chip Alioto.
16. Roger GRIMSBY: San Francisco television reporter.
17. MARCO GREG: Nightclub critic always thought Cassady was putting
everyone on. "Talks about cars a lot, doesn't he?"
18. JUST IN TIME: To save the lady from committing suicide, she's at
her nitwit's end.
19. WINNEMUCCA: Nevada: east of Reno on Interstate 80. Site of the
Mustang Ranch, a a barbed wire enclosed bordello. The manage-
ment dug Neal so much they didn;t charge him for services
rendered. Always a quick stop for Neal when heading East out
of Frisco.
20. ENDURANCE: "What, what? Consistency," Cassady said. "Not how you
come out of the blocks or make the first turn." You gotta be in
it for the long haul.
21. VIC'S VAPORUB: Mentholated version of the popular lubricant.
22. FIRST CHILD '42: One of many kids alleged to have been fathered
by a young Neal in Los Angeles and Denver.
23. CHARLIE VALENCIA: her boy friend.
24. TEMPLE: Street in L.A.
25. ACID TEST: Were held in L.A. in spring of '66, Cassady the star,
Grateful Dead the band, Pranksters the crew, Furthur the bus.
26. 1350: Street address on temple. Now a shrine to the CKC nuts.
(Cassady Kerouac Corso). The Cassady virus was brought across
the border on the bottom of the sneakers of a wetback. Cassady
was all man. From the top of his head to the bottom of his
feet-to the very sole. They say clothes can't go to heaven but
those shoes had sole. Other soles picked up the Cassady Virus
and it's since spread across country and now into Europe.
"After us, the deluge," Kerouac said, a soulful man.
27. ANTHONY QUINN: the actor who was shooting a movie called Guns
for San Sebastian in Mexico and involved with Neal's last lover.
She had to make a choice between Neal or Quinn, she chose Neal.
28. SORTOFA: Read all about it in Carolyn Cassady's book, HEARTBEAT.
29. COLORED GIRL: Neal and Jack took her to Neal's house in Los
Gatos and past Carolyn asleep and up the pull-down stairs to the
attic, pushing the girl's ass to get her through the hole when
Carolyn woke up. It was Neal's birthday and he was supposed to
be wining and dining Carolyn under candlelight but Jack called
to say he'd been busted, could Neal come bail him out? "Back
in 'alf a mo' darling," and that was hours ago the candles have
burned out Carolyn is pissed. What do you think she did to get
even?
30. KEROASSADY: the composite Jack/Neal: a hybrid personality that
did 'em both in.
31. SUICIDE: After Carolyn got her revenge, Neal was so devastated
he sat in the car with a gun in his hand all night fighting over
suicide being wrong versus I don't wanna go. He rejected
suicide as an option and decided to go home and beg.
32. FORD SIGN: Billboard where you turn West driving from Manhattan
to the coast.
33. VANHELLUTHER: Preacher who lectured Neal on the wonders of
Valballa, home of the warriors slain in battle.
34. DIDN'T SEE IT: Blessed are the peacemakers-for they shall be
called the sons of God. "There is no excuse for violence,"
Cassady said, "except when making love."
35. MENOPAUSAL: Just as the woman stops bleeding, the peacemaker
declines to shed blood. The grace that comes with age.
36. 20 YEARS: My, how time do fly. To think, 20 years gone by
already, like a blink of the eye. Kerouac said, "Cassady knew
time."
37. RAILROAD: Neal was a brakeman on the railroad for ten years,
with an impeccable record, never missed a train, but when he
went to prison, lost his job, his pension, his wife, his home.
38. 10 MORE FOR: For what? Not even Cassady could predict that. But
he still was going to give it all he got in whatever time he got
left. DEAD A THOUSAND YEARS: the orthodox lapse between
incarnations.
39. REB PARKER/AL COLLINS: Old runaround friend of Cassady's he ran
into at the Acid Test.
40. AUROBINDO: Savant who knew body functions from having existed
at one time or another as every organ in the body, so he was a
soothsayer alright-could tell you straight what alcohol did to
you, and Cassady was always scared of the booze what with
growing up on skidrow Larimer Street in Denver with his wino
father.
41. D INSTEADA T: A Nealish proto AA injunctive?
42. PORNOGRAPHY: Those German drink so much beer it's obscene.
43. ALL SAINTS Church: Downtown Denver where Neal was an alter boy.
44. 4 WHEEL DRIFT: Auto racing. A Stirling Moss technique. Going
around corners giving it the gas and breaking at the same time.
You slide but don't cartwheel if you do it just right.
45. HEEL AND TOE: Heel on the brake, toe on the gas.
46. DOUBLE LEFT: Cassady was left handed, so left-footed too, and
couldn't manipulate the heel and toe with his right foot.
47. PIGPEN: Ron McKermnan: vocalist and keyboardist for the
Grateful Dead. Since deceased.
48. GINSBERG: Allen the ubiquitous poet.
49. THE GUY: Luther Frease, RIP, who worked at the Springfield News
across the street from the Springfield Creamery.
50. BROTHER CHUCK: Ken Kesey's brother, who owns and operates the
Springfield Creamery (not the Eugene Creamery) Chuck is also an
original Merry Prankster who was on the bus, Furthur, in 1964
when Cassady drove.
51. ROCKY OVERHANG: Luther's furrowed brow.
52. ED SANDERS: Leader of the Fugs, radical music group of the 60's.
He also wrote book, THE FAMILY, about Charles Manson.
53. 2-16: Union card. He's riffing about the fleet, never having
been in the Navy or any other branch of service, being color-
blind..."I was out there on the grass and all," Cassady said,
"and to me it looked red. The grass red? You're nuts. I was
so mad at that grass I learned cars."
54. 4TH LARGEST UNION: Railroad brakemen.
55. OBETROL: Great speed. An OBETROL 10 tablet contained: 2.5 mg.
each of Methamphetamine saccharate, Methamphetamine
hydrocloride, Amphetamine sulfate, & Dextroamphetamine
sulfate. OBETROL 20's contained twice this potency.
56. THE TIRES: at the Los Gatos Tire Company while on parole after
stretch in San Quentin.
57. EXTENSION: for his socket wrench.
58. ALCINDOR: Later known as Kareem Abdul Jabbar.
59. SATCH PAIGE: Ancient Negro pitcher finally made it to the big
leagues with the Indians at age of sixty-something.
60. NELL: The nurse in W.C. Fields comedy.
61. STIFF DR. PECK, DOUBLE REED: Carolyn worked for a spell as
receptionist to Radiological Associates; Dr.'s Clemmer M. Peck,
MD, & Robert H. Reid, MD. DOUBLE REED: The oboe, most difficult
of instruments to play. You gotta get just the right lip on it.
62. DILLINGER: John, the 30's gangster shot down as he left The
Biograph movie theater, Chicago-July, 1934.
63. ROBERT JONES MELVIN: Religious leader who got rich from
donations, but after all, gotta drive a Caddilac, you think
they'll give money to a man in a clunker?
64. CHARGE TO ASTROLOGIZE: No money changers in the temple.
______________________
[Material for this piece researched and collected as part of an ongoing
project: THE CASSADY FILE.
For more information write: THE CASSADY FILE: POB 630: COOPER STATION: NEW YORK 10276]
---o0o---
Saturday, August 08, 2009
Nine Shaggy Dog Stories
You may not know the exact definition of a shaggy dog story. The wikipedia says: "In its original sense, a shaggy dog story is an extremely long-winded tale featuring extensive narration of typically irrelevant incidents, usually resulting in a pointless or absurd punchline. These stories are a special case of yarns, coming from the long tradition of campfire yarns.
Shaggy dog stories play upon the audience's preconceptions of the art of joke telling. The audience listens to the story with certain expectations, which are either simply not met or met in some entirely unexpected manner."
Here are nine primal shaggy dog stories:
Ghandi's Health Problems
Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. Even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was quite a spiritual person. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath. He became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
The Giant Panda
A giant panda escaped from the zoo in New York. Eventually, he found his way downtown and walked into a restaurant, where he found a seat at an emptey table. The maitre d', being a native New Yorker figures he's seen stranger things than this so he sends over a waiter to take the panda's order. In due course the panda's meal arrives and he eats.
After he finishes his dinner he stands up, calmly pulls out a gun from God-knows-where he had it hidden, and blows away several customers and a couple of the waiters. Then he turns around and walks toward the door.
Naturally, the maitre d' is horrified. He stops the panda and demands an explanation, at the very least.
The panda says to him, "What do I look like to you"?
The maitre d' answers, "Well, a giant panda, of course."
"That's right," says the panda, "Look it up," and he walks out.
The maitre d' calls the police. When they arrive the maitre d' relates the whole story to them, including the panda's comment about looking it up. So the chief detective sends a rookie out to get an encyclopedia.
He eventually returns with the Encyclopedia Brittanica, Volume P. The detective looks up "panda", and there's the answer: "Giant panda, lives in China, eats shoots and leaves."
The Flower Growing Friars
Some friars wanted to do more for their flock but their vow of poverty, simple lifestyle and lack of gainful employment meant that their supply of available funds was, to say the least, meager. Nevertheless, they put their collective heads together and came up with the idea of opening a small florist shop. They reasoned that they could grow most of the flowers on the church grounds, and what they couldn't grow, they could likely pick from the surrounding countryside.
As you can probably guess, everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God and their little business flourished. So much so that the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close their little shop, but their flower business was providing them with much-needed funds for their good works and they refused. He went back time and again, finally begging the friars to close. By this time, they had tired of the florist's constant whining and they ignored him. The florist even asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the flower business, but they ignored her, too.
By this time, the florist was nearly backrupt and in desperation hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" the good friars to close. Being a man of few morals and even fewer religious convictions, Hugh had no ethical problems with his assigned task and promptly gave the friars a thorough beating and trashed their store. He departed with a stern warning that he’d be back if they didn’t close the shop. Terrified, the friars did so immediately, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
The Desert Storm Twins
During Desert Storm, an American Air Force officer met a Saudi Air Force officer. They began to make small talk, and after the discussion had been carrying on for a little while, the Saudi officer decided to pull out his wallet and show pictures of his family to the American.
When the American saw the picture of the Saudi's family, he was shocked. "Hey, that looks like my son," he said, referring to one of the Saudi officer's children. "That looks just like my Juan!"
The Saudi officer explained. "About 15 years ago, I went to Mexico to drill from oil. While I was there, my wife and I decided to adopt a young boy. We named him Amal and he's grown up with us."
The American said, "Well, about 15 years ago, my wife and I were stationed at the Mexican embassy. We adopted Juan and now he's in high school. I wonder if your boy and mine are twins!"
Sure enough, the boys had the same birthday and they agreed that the two boys must have been twins. After the war ended, they agreed to meet in Los Angeles and have a big reunion. Of course, the news media received word of this and were eagerly anticipating the arrival of the young boy from the Middle East.
However, to the disappointment of the crowd that had assembled, it was announced that the plane would be over four hours late. Juan's mother said to the media, "You might as well go home. There's no point in waiting here."
"Why would we want to do that?" asked a reporter.
"Well," she replied, "they're identical twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
The Man Who Loved Hollandaise
A man went to his dentist because he felt something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examined him and said "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"
The man replied, "All I can think of is that about four months ago, my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious... hollandaise sauce! I love it so much now that I put it on everything -- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything!"
The dentist said, "Well, that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new one, and this time, I'll use chrome."
"Why chrome?" asked the patient.
"It's simple," said the dentist. "Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."
The Czech Friend
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country. Each summer the lawyer would invite a different friend to spend a week or two.
On one occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed.
Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their breakfast. As they went around the berry patch gathering blueberries and raspberries, along came two huge bears, a male and a female.
The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.
The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town, and got the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in that one," cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head.
He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female.
"What did you do that for?" exclaimed the lawyer. "I said he was in the other one!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would you believe a lawyer who told you the Czech was in the male?"
Mercy Hospital
Mercy Hospital in Chicago is run by a group of nuns who came from Australia. Through the years the years they have gone out of their way to maintain ties with their native land -- putting up a large map of the country in the recpetion area, and serving Australian tea from tins decorated with koala bears.
One night a patient calls a nun into his room and tells her how much he likes the hospital and the care. But he has one small complaint: he found some leaves in his tea.
"Oh," the nun says, "the koala tea of Mercy is not strained."
Nate The Snake
There was a snake called Nate. His purpose in life was to stay in the desert and guard the lever. Theis lever was no ordinary lever. It was the lever that if moved would destroy the world. Nate took his job very seriously. He let nothing get close to the lever.
One day off in the distance he saw a cloud of dust. He kept his eye on it because he was guarding the lever. The dust cloud continued to move closer to the lever. Nate saw that it was a huge boulder and it was heading straight for the lever!
Nate thought about what he could do to save the world. He decided if he could get in front of the boulder he could deflect it and it would miss the lever. Nate slithered quickly to intersect the boulder. The boulder ran over Nate, but it was, in fact, deflected, leaving history to conclude that is was better Nate than lever.
A tale of the fabulous foo bird
Three explorers had arrived in Africa to explore territory that had never been seen by Europeans before. Immediately upon arrival, they enlisted the services of a native to translate for them and another native to act as a guide. After a few days, they had organized their supplies and secured trhe services of porters. They were ready at last!
Off they went into the jungle! They had a few days of travel before they got to the area they wished to explore. The travel went smoothly and uneventfully.
The day dawned when they began to travel into the unknown jungle. After a few hours travel, their guide got very excited upon seeing something on the ground. The three explorers and their translator hurried over to see what was the matter. The translator explained, "He says that this is the mark of the Fabulous Foo Bird! They are very rarely seen! They are very lucky!"
The explorers chuckled to themselves at the natives' superstitions and the safari moved on. After awhile, they heard a horrible squawking from the air above them. As they looked up to see what it was, the sun was briefly hidden as an enormous bird flew overhead. As they were staring, there was a loud squelching sound, followed by cries of disgust from the senior explorer. The other turned to see that he was covered with bird poop. The guide got even more excited when he saw this and began gesturing frantically at the explorer. The translator said, "That was the Fabulous Foo Bird! He says you must not wipe this off! If you leave it on and do not wash it off, you will receive untold wealth and fortune. But he says if you wipe it off, you will die horribly!"
"Nonsense!" said the explorer. He disgustedly cleaned himself up, all the while grumbling about superstitions. The natives began murmuring. They were very nervous. A short time later, the senior explorer was clean and still very much alive. "There! You see? Nothing to worry about!" he said. Three steps later he fell over dead, his body rotting away.
After the shock died down, the guide looked somewhat smug.
The next day, the same squawking was heard, followed by the appearance of the bird. This time, the second explorer was coated in gunk. Once again, the guide issued his hysterical warning. "Poppycock!" said the second explorer. "That was a coincidence. I am not going to trek through Africa coated in bird droppings becuase of some silly superstition!" He proceeded to clean himself off, but wasn't even finished before he collapsed dead into a pile of dust.
After the shock died down, the guide again looked somewhat smug.
The next day, the same squawking was heard, followed by the appearance of the bird. This time, the youngest (and only remaining) explorer was coated in gunk. Once again, the guide issued his hysterical warning. The nervouse young explorer decided to play it safe and continue the exploration in his filthy state. This met with great approval by the natives.
The expedition continued and proved to be a smashing success, with great discoveries. The young explorer recived incredible accolades and lived a very long and wealthy life.
From then on, enterprising explorers were always given this sage advice: if the foo shits, wear it.
---o0o---
Shaggy dog stories play upon the audience's preconceptions of the art of joke telling. The audience listens to the story with certain expectations, which are either simply not met or met in some entirely unexpected manner."
Here are nine primal shaggy dog stories:
Ghandi's Health Problems
Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. Even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was quite a spiritual person. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath. He became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
The Giant Panda
A giant panda escaped from the zoo in New York. Eventually, he found his way downtown and walked into a restaurant, where he found a seat at an emptey table. The maitre d', being a native New Yorker figures he's seen stranger things than this so he sends over a waiter to take the panda's order. In due course the panda's meal arrives and he eats.
After he finishes his dinner he stands up, calmly pulls out a gun from God-knows-where he had it hidden, and blows away several customers and a couple of the waiters. Then he turns around and walks toward the door.
Naturally, the maitre d' is horrified. He stops the panda and demands an explanation, at the very least.
The panda says to him, "What do I look like to you"?
The maitre d' answers, "Well, a giant panda, of course."
"That's right," says the panda, "Look it up," and he walks out.
The maitre d' calls the police. When they arrive the maitre d' relates the whole story to them, including the panda's comment about looking it up. So the chief detective sends a rookie out to get an encyclopedia.
He eventually returns with the Encyclopedia Brittanica, Volume P. The detective looks up "panda", and there's the answer: "Giant panda, lives in China, eats shoots and leaves."
The Flower Growing Friars
Some friars wanted to do more for their flock but their vow of poverty, simple lifestyle and lack of gainful employment meant that their supply of available funds was, to say the least, meager. Nevertheless, they put their collective heads together and came up with the idea of opening a small florist shop. They reasoned that they could grow most of the flowers on the church grounds, and what they couldn't grow, they could likely pick from the surrounding countryside.
As you can probably guess, everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God and their little business flourished. So much so that the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close their little shop, but their flower business was providing them with much-needed funds for their good works and they refused. He went back time and again, finally begging the friars to close. By this time, they had tired of the florist's constant whining and they ignored him. The florist even asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the flower business, but they ignored her, too.
By this time, the florist was nearly backrupt and in desperation hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" the good friars to close. Being a man of few morals and even fewer religious convictions, Hugh had no ethical problems with his assigned task and promptly gave the friars a thorough beating and trashed their store. He departed with a stern warning that he’d be back if they didn’t close the shop. Terrified, the friars did so immediately, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
The Desert Storm Twins
During Desert Storm, an American Air Force officer met a Saudi Air Force officer. They began to make small talk, and after the discussion had been carrying on for a little while, the Saudi officer decided to pull out his wallet and show pictures of his family to the American.
When the American saw the picture of the Saudi's family, he was shocked. "Hey, that looks like my son," he said, referring to one of the Saudi officer's children. "That looks just like my Juan!"
The Saudi officer explained. "About 15 years ago, I went to Mexico to drill from oil. While I was there, my wife and I decided to adopt a young boy. We named him Amal and he's grown up with us."
The American said, "Well, about 15 years ago, my wife and I were stationed at the Mexican embassy. We adopted Juan and now he's in high school. I wonder if your boy and mine are twins!"
Sure enough, the boys had the same birthday and they agreed that the two boys must have been twins. After the war ended, they agreed to meet in Los Angeles and have a big reunion. Of course, the news media received word of this and were eagerly anticipating the arrival of the young boy from the Middle East.
However, to the disappointment of the crowd that had assembled, it was announced that the plane would be over four hours late. Juan's mother said to the media, "You might as well go home. There's no point in waiting here."
"Why would we want to do that?" asked a reporter.
"Well," she replied, "they're identical twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
The Man Who Loved Hollandaise
A man went to his dentist because he felt something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examined him and said "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"
The man replied, "All I can think of is that about four months ago, my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious... hollandaise sauce! I love it so much now that I put it on everything -- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything!"
The dentist said, "Well, that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new one, and this time, I'll use chrome."
"Why chrome?" asked the patient.
"It's simple," said the dentist. "Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."
The Czech Friend
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country. Each summer the lawyer would invite a different friend to spend a week or two.
On one occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed.
Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their breakfast. As they went around the berry patch gathering blueberries and raspberries, along came two huge bears, a male and a female.
The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.
The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town, and got the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in that one," cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head.
He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female.
"What did you do that for?" exclaimed the lawyer. "I said he was in the other one!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would you believe a lawyer who told you the Czech was in the male?"
Mercy Hospital
Mercy Hospital in Chicago is run by a group of nuns who came from Australia. Through the years the years they have gone out of their way to maintain ties with their native land -- putting up a large map of the country in the recpetion area, and serving Australian tea from tins decorated with koala bears.
One night a patient calls a nun into his room and tells her how much he likes the hospital and the care. But he has one small complaint: he found some leaves in his tea.
"Oh," the nun says, "the koala tea of Mercy is not strained."
Nate The Snake
There was a snake called Nate. His purpose in life was to stay in the desert and guard the lever. Theis lever was no ordinary lever. It was the lever that if moved would destroy the world. Nate took his job very seriously. He let nothing get close to the lever.
One day off in the distance he saw a cloud of dust. He kept his eye on it because he was guarding the lever. The dust cloud continued to move closer to the lever. Nate saw that it was a huge boulder and it was heading straight for the lever!
Nate thought about what he could do to save the world. He decided if he could get in front of the boulder he could deflect it and it would miss the lever. Nate slithered quickly to intersect the boulder. The boulder ran over Nate, but it was, in fact, deflected, leaving history to conclude that is was better Nate than lever.
A tale of the fabulous foo bird
Three explorers had arrived in Africa to explore territory that had never been seen by Europeans before. Immediately upon arrival, they enlisted the services of a native to translate for them and another native to act as a guide. After a few days, they had organized their supplies and secured trhe services of porters. They were ready at last!
Off they went into the jungle! They had a few days of travel before they got to the area they wished to explore. The travel went smoothly and uneventfully.
The day dawned when they began to travel into the unknown jungle. After a few hours travel, their guide got very excited upon seeing something on the ground. The three explorers and their translator hurried over to see what was the matter. The translator explained, "He says that this is the mark of the Fabulous Foo Bird! They are very rarely seen! They are very lucky!"
The explorers chuckled to themselves at the natives' superstitions and the safari moved on. After awhile, they heard a horrible squawking from the air above them. As they looked up to see what it was, the sun was briefly hidden as an enormous bird flew overhead. As they were staring, there was a loud squelching sound, followed by cries of disgust from the senior explorer. The other turned to see that he was covered with bird poop. The guide got even more excited when he saw this and began gesturing frantically at the explorer. The translator said, "That was the Fabulous Foo Bird! He says you must not wipe this off! If you leave it on and do not wash it off, you will receive untold wealth and fortune. But he says if you wipe it off, you will die horribly!"
"Nonsense!" said the explorer. He disgustedly cleaned himself up, all the while grumbling about superstitions. The natives began murmuring. They were very nervous. A short time later, the senior explorer was clean and still very much alive. "There! You see? Nothing to worry about!" he said. Three steps later he fell over dead, his body rotting away.
After the shock died down, the guide looked somewhat smug.
The next day, the same squawking was heard, followed by the appearance of the bird. This time, the second explorer was coated in gunk. Once again, the guide issued his hysterical warning. "Poppycock!" said the second explorer. "That was a coincidence. I am not going to trek through Africa coated in bird droppings becuase of some silly superstition!" He proceeded to clean himself off, but wasn't even finished before he collapsed dead into a pile of dust.
After the shock died down, the guide again looked somewhat smug.
The next day, the same squawking was heard, followed by the appearance of the bird. This time, the youngest (and only remaining) explorer was coated in gunk. Once again, the guide issued his hysterical warning. The nervouse young explorer decided to play it safe and continue the exploration in his filthy state. This met with great approval by the natives.
The expedition continued and proved to be a smashing success, with great discoveries. The young explorer recived incredible accolades and lived a very long and wealthy life.
From then on, enterprising explorers were always given this sage advice: if the foo shits, wear it.
---o0o---
Friday, August 07, 2009
Thursday, August 06, 2009
F*** This Website: pranking signs and other printed ephemera
This website was pointed out by Tom Dougherty, the Seattle artist, blogger, and writer. F*** This Website is a compendium of signs, posters, billboards, and other printed ephemera upon which the proprietor, or now, his many fans, have placed stickers with The F Bomb. Naturally, the results are often quite hilarious.
The blog's proprietor only keeps a handful of images on his site. I think he wants us to buy his two books on this very subject, the postcards or a set of his F*** stickers, so you can try your own hand at sign pranking (if you follow his reasonable) rules):
"I will not be responsible for irresponsibility. This is supposed to be about collecting funny images, not F***ing up people’s personal property. That’s why the stickers are strong, but removable. Don’t be an asshole and leave the stickers on signs around children’s playgrounds.
I know… cheap people want to have fun too. If you’re one of them, here’s a few templates that you can print on full-sheet labels, and cut them yourself. Believe me, it’s easier to just buy a pack from me, but whatever…
"Actually, check this to agree that you won’t sue me because you cut the tip of your finger off trying to cut out stupid little F*** stickers with an Xacto knife instead of just spending $7, and then you can download the templates."
---o0o---
The blog's proprietor only keeps a handful of images on his site. I think he wants us to buy his two books on this very subject, the postcards or a set of his F*** stickers, so you can try your own hand at sign pranking (if you follow his reasonable) rules):
"I will not be responsible for irresponsibility. This is supposed to be about collecting funny images, not F***ing up people’s personal property. That’s why the stickers are strong, but removable. Don’t be an asshole and leave the stickers on signs around children’s playgrounds.
I know… cheap people want to have fun too. If you’re one of them, here’s a few templates that you can print on full-sheet labels, and cut them yourself. Believe me, it’s easier to just buy a pack from me, but whatever…
"Actually, check this to agree that you won’t sue me because you cut the tip of your finger off trying to cut out stupid little F*** stickers with an Xacto knife instead of just spending $7, and then you can download the templates."
---o0o---
No One And The Somebodies and TURBOSLEAZE at The Vera Project in Seattle
Tonight we went to see No One And The Somebodies at The Vera Project in Seattle. It was actually a twofer--because they also appeared later as their side project band TURBOSLEAZE. Last night, we went to see the Greenwood All Stars at a block party in Ballard/Greenwood. It's been a rockin' week.
I was probably the oldest person there by a factor of 2x. It was a good show. They are a band from the Bronx that my second cousin in law Sophia highly recommended (they are friends of hers). They were quite funny, and their tunes have a lot of rather hilarious false endings. The TURBOSLEAZE part of the show reminded me somewhat of Frank Zappa.. Kimi Dawson (of Juno soundtrack fame?) and Paleface also played.
TURBOSLEAZE video:
---o0o---
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