This is the best of two lists that circulate endlessly on the internet. The first one I have had since 1993, when I found it on a bulletin board (aka BBS). The second one had many of the same items, and some new ones. As always with these lists, attribution if difficult, if not an outright joke...When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it's really dead.
Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.
When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off or go it alone.
As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
Do not take
anything from the dead.
Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.
If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuaion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.
If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted- looking house to phone for help.
Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.
When something bad is chasing you, bear in mind that when you try to start your car, no matter how reliable the vehicle is normally, you'll have to crank the engine over many times before it will fire up.
People arriving to rescue you generally get ambushed by the monster, so don't rely on them as your only means of escape. In fact, expect to be surprised and delayed by encountering their flayed corpse at some point.
If you realize that the people in your town/county are having their minds taken over by some strange force, alien or otherwise: DO NOT call the police as they are A) either already taken over themselves and will turn you in or B) Will not believe you and laugh at you. Either way, you must handle the problem yourself.
If a small band of children appear to be smarter then the adults that are around them, be cautious. If they stay together in a small, secretive group, and display nothing but hostility towards their elders, authority, and the church, leave town at once. If you wish to stay, be as kind to the children as possible, but expect to die anyways because you are inferior to them.
When you land on a distant planet and find some objects that look like eggs, leave them alone.
When one of your spaceship's crew finds a hideous parasite attached to his body (as a result of disobeying the previous rule), don't let him back on the ship. The guy's dogmeat anyway.
When a hideous alien menace is hunting you (as a result of disobeying the previous two rules) never wander off alone to hunt for the ship's cat.
If you manage to lose a few body parts along the way, don't despair. Take this opportunity to replace them with weapons, such as chainsaws, harpoons, etc.
If you are a female, never show your breasts, easy women are expendable.
If you are using a gun to combat the all-comsuming evil, it is a good idea to quickly find a new means of defense, because no matter how much ammo you have, you'll run out just before you kill the monster.
If you are wounded by flesh-eating zombies, aboandon all hope, because sooner or later, no matter how many antibiotics you take, yer gonna become one of 'em.
If you're the the last main character left, and a bunch of people are hunting the monster, DON'T stand out in the open, because you will immediately be mistaken for the monster.
Don't open the closed door, especially if you hear scratching, heavy breathing, or any other strange noises from the other side.
While in a horror film, never bathe, especially when in the house alone.
In terms of weaponry and general equipment for fighting the monster, never rely on any tool more complicated than a pointed stick. Generators will inexplicably run out of power, just as the nasty space-vegetable climbs onto your jury rigged electrical grid. Just when you've got the ghoul lined up in your sights, your gun will invariably jam.
