Inanimate Love: Guys having sex with lamp-posts, signs, picnic tables, park benches. and cars

By Pablo Fanque,
All This Is That National Affairs Editor


Hey Joe, you looking for a date?

Illustration from our Enumclaw horse story published here two years ago.

• This posting actually is about national affairs. . .in the broadest sense. As it turns out, however, Americans and The Brits. do not just have sex with other people, and in some cases, animals [1], but, as we wrote about earlier, even sex with ghosts, and a host of everyday, and seemingly not all that sexy, inanimate objects.

A cedar picnic table - one man's idea of a great date

The picnic table guy

• "American caught having sex with picnic table" reports The Telegraph, just two days ago. Police said that Art Price Jr was seen copulating with furniture on four separate mornings, most recently on March 14 when a neighbour recorded it as evidence.

The sign guy

• Police say videotapes they found when the above, unnamed, sign guy was arrested pictured all manner of weird stuff, but cogent to the present article, were hundreds of hours of tapes of the man defiling street signs, as well as actually having sex with the earth itself.
  
• With a bicycle! A Scottish man, Robert Stewart, was discovered by two maids having sex with his bicycle in a hotel room.
  

The Bike Guy - I can explain everything!

"I'm leaning on the lamp-post on the corner of the street"

• Schoolchildren and women witnessed a 32 year old man in England having sex with a lamp-post. He was arrested and charged "on suspicion of outraging public decency. "

• Another Brit was charged with having sex with a bench. He got lucky. His penis became stuck, and a crew had to come to free him from the bench. "If it had taken another hour, we would have had to amputate his penis."
  
  
  

• Cars! A Washington State resident (not me)--Edward Smith--claims to have had sex with over 1,000 automobiles.

The Car Dude (not The car dude; a car dude)

[1] A case only last week: ABC Action News. reports that Caroline Willette, 53, enjoyed a three-way with two dogs. She sent a CD with the images to an acquaintance, who turned it over to The Heat. Willette admitted to detectives that she had sex with the animals in her home as well as watched young girls perform sex acts on the Internet.

Shades Of The Enumclaw Beastiality Case-- A Spanaway, Wash. Man Is Accused Of Having Sex With A Pit Bull
Not now deer! Wisconsin man punished for necrophilia and beastiality--at the same time!
Photograph: Chicken Love Tragedy - A Cautionary Tale of Beastiality in Iberia
Further ruminations on Enumclaw
Horsin' around: update on Enumclaw
Another shocking revelation
Beastiality in south King County
The final horse/beastiality update
Enumclaw Story To Become A Movie
Seattle Horse Sex Film Is Selected For Sundance!
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Five images of Abraham Lincoln

click to enlarge

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Bobby Bare, Jr. at The Sunset Tavern in Ballard

We saw an awesome show last night at the Sunset Tavern in our neighborhood. My sister in law is a long time fan of Bobby. I knew his dad's music. In fact, I thought that who we were going to see, although I thought it mighty strange he was playing at the grungy but beloved Sunset Tavern. Like some other alt country folk, Bobby has a twisted sense of humor. Bobby stopped in Seattle after touring with Son Volt, and playing at Austin's SXSW. From a recent review in the Baeble blog:

"Blown to New York on a carefree combination of crude oil chords, and sweet summer melodies, Bobby Bare delivers the kind of take on authentic country blues and southern rock that lets the whiskey running through your blood do its job. Humid and hazy at times, fearlessly grungy at others, Bare brought the region that bred him to the Bowery's stage. Whether lamenting for a Flat-Chested Woman in two-part harmony, moaning and whaling like a real singing cowboy, or rolling through rock and roll barn burners, Bobby and his band rollicked like a southern fried Guided By Voices. "

Bobby Bare, Jr. , 43, has recorded several solo albums, along with two major label albums with his band, Bare, Jr., (1998 and 2000) and his new, loosely-confederated band, the Young Criminals Starvation League. Last night he released a DIY album, American Bread, consisting of him covering songs by Bread and America. You get the feeling Bobby is just barely keeping it together, and yet he is sweet and funny on stage.

Bare is the son of country musician Bobby Bare. In 1974 — when Bobby Jr. was eight — they were both nominated for a Grammy for the song "Daddy What If."

He plays now with the Young Criminals Starvation League, a constantly-changing group of musicians who have released three studio albums, an EP, and a live album. Bobby will be at the Sunset Tavern again this coming Friday, for an early show. Get tickets early--last night's sold out.
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Having sex with The President - Justine Lai's paintings

Justine Lai is creating a series of paintings in which she paints herself "having sex with the Presidents of the United States in chronological order. I am interested in humanizing and demythologizing the Presidents by addressing their public legacies and private lives."

Check out her work in progress here.
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Alien Lore No. 151 - Ed Anger says "Shut down NASA"

Ed Anger, the Weekly World News' columnist, recently published a piece saying that we should shut down NASA.

"First, let’s shut down NASA. I call it NO-SAW. We’re been at it forty years, and a jillion dollars later, NASA hasn’t come up with one single solitary blue, bigheaded spaceman. All we’ve got for our money is Tang and a box of rocks."

Click here to read Ed's entire editorial.

"If I was Teleprompter Jesus, I’d tell NO-SAW they’ve got 24 hours to show us some little green men or every McDonald’s in the country’s gonna have rocket scientists asking, 'You want fries with that?' "

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painting: First Lady

click to enlarge

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This Page Intentionally Left Blank

I've written the poems I had waiting. I don't have the energy to paint. My long backpocket piece on Kent's Bus Depot was already used. Pablo hasn't sent in anything political, and my latest Alien Lore article isn't finished yet. I have nothing to say politically or sociologically. Therefore, let's leave this page more or less blank. . .

I don't even have the will to dig up an old piece and present it under the "Reheated" label.

In a few hours, I am flying back to San Francisco after just returning at midnight Wednesday. I'll attempt to make this right on my return. Blank pages=not good.
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Poem: Who Are We?/Put Your Finger In The Dike

I almost always believe otherwise,
But on a bad news day,
It's like we're not all in this together,
That we are just the latest edition
Of a complex species
Drawn together tenuously
In a social order
That masks our genetic disposition
To competition and selfishness
And puts the lie to any notion
Of compassion, altruism, and love.
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Poem: You in your hole

You are away and apart
On the high, lonesome ridge you built—

Like a lone climber bivouaced
In the blue ice and snow

Halfway up the mountain.
Beneath gathering black clouds,

Sinister fog banks and night lumber in,
Choking off the light

And the only way out.
There is no going up and no going down today—

Just you in your hole,
Listening to Satan and Jiminy Cricket

Debate from each of your shoulders
In the muffled still of the snow cave.
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Visual poem - The Foghorn

I created this in Image Chief from this poem published a few weeks back:

I hear three moaning foghorns tonight,
Probably at Bainbridge Island,
Point No Point, and Alki.

I can't detect a pattern.
The foghorns sing to each other
Back and forth across the murky Puget Sound. . .

There will come a time
When we will likewise
All sing to each other.

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Kindly Be Aware. . .

I am sitting in my room at the St. Francis on Powell Street in San Francisco. The minibar has this very strange sign posted prominently. Does it mean that each item--chips, alcohol, sodas, candy bars, etc. is wired? Do they all have a little magnetic or radio tag attached?

If I pick up, say, that bottle of red wine and look at it for 12 seconds, does it automatically get charged to my room? This is a new one on me. . .
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Jack in SF 11:00 pm

Poem: The earth in motion

The mountain is the youngest child
Of heaven and earth,
Striving ever upward

And simultaneously tumbling down,
Like the five volcanoes
That surround me.
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