Rick Perry's speech at last night's Gridiron dinner (the best speech of his life)

By Jack Brummet, Speech and debate editor

Mark Shields said that Governor Rick Perry achieved career redemption with his speech at the 127th anniversary dinner of The Gridiron Club and Foundation (you know, the annual press dinner with sometimes funny speeches...) dinner last night.  It's pretty good:

"I can't tell you ... what a relief it is to be on a stage with just one podium. ... [Laughter]] The Gridiron's the only time that politicians and journalists can get together for some lighthearted silliness - well, I mean, other than the debates. ... Some have said that my debating style is very similar to that other Texas Cicero, George W. Bush. [Laughter] Only difference between GEORGE and me is that I say, 'Oops.' [Applause] ... Y'know, I shouldn't make fun of George. But he's, like, the only one that I can. [Laughter] Y'know, I say stuff like Solyndra's a country or that the voting age is 21. But MITT would say things like his wife drives a coupla Cadillacs, or his pals own NASCAR teams. Y'know, my problem was sayin' stuff that WASN'T right. Mitt's problem is sayin' stuff that IS. [Applause] 

So with all my gaffes, people forgot that I once led the Republican primary. It was the most exhilarating three hours of my life. Awesome! Now, officially, I have only suspended my campaign -- I never really quit. So technically, I'm still in the race - 'cept I can go home, spend the evening with Anita, relax, and still do about as well. Well, listen, here's the hardest part for me: The weakest Republican field in history -- and they kicked my BUTT! ... Y'know, very once in a while, Herman Cain, Michele Bachman and myself'll get together. We'll kinda act silly, we'll say some stupid things-you know, kinda like old times. ...

"Y'know it's weird standing next to [Mitt] on the debate podium . Y'know, I keep waiting for him to say, 'Pardon me, would you have any Grey Poupon?' ... I LIKE Mitt Romney. I mean, I like Mitt Romney as much as one really good looking man can like a really good looking man -and not break Texas law. And then there's Rick Santorum. I used to have SO much fun needling Rick. I'd say, 'Now, Rick, tell me again, which one of the Village People are you? You're the policeman? Or you're the Indian?' And then there's Ron Paul. ... Y'know, he kinda reminds me of that crazy uncle that you expect to pull a nickel out of your ear. ... Then we have Gingrich. He's like this Pillsbury Doughboy, with this really huge brain. ... I do wish I were still in the race. I mean, I don't know why I didn't do better: Governor of a big state. Former military pilot. I graduated from Texas A&M with a degree in animal husbandry. [Laughter] Maybe that was the problem. Animal husbandry: That sounds like what Rick Santorum thinks gay marriage leads to. ...

"Now, before I forget, which has been known to happen [laughter], it's really good to see DNC Chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz [who spoke after him]. And even though Debbie and I are from different parties, she has been very, very complimentary. Earlier she told me, she said, 'Rick, you don't know how sorry I am that you won't be your party's nominee.' [Laughter] [Turning to her at the head table:] Thank you, darlin'.

"Now, President Obama couldn't be here. I read that he is in Korea, at the DMZ. Would somebody tell me: Why do ya have to go all the way to Korea to get a DRIVER'S LICENSE? Must be something to do with that birth certificate thing. But filling in tonight for the president very ably is Secretary Panetta. And during the campaign, I said that Secretary Panetta should resign. I regret saying that ... We have had Predator drones circling the governor's mansion. ... After what I've been through, our motto is, 'Y'know, if you can't laugh at yourself -- well, there's always Herman Cain.' ...

"When we did our announcement tour, there was this huge caravan of reporters, including the Washington Post's Dan Balz, who was following our bus. And Dan was lookin' a little scruffy. He had this days' old beard. He had a baseball cap on. And I spent the day calling him 'Wolf.' Finally it dawned on me: That's not Wolf Blitzer! That's Dan Balz. So, Dan, wherever you are in the audience tonight, I wanna say 'thank you' for being a gentleman, and never mentioning it.

"Most of the reporters and the correspondents trailing us weren't well-known. They weren't established journalists like Dan and the members of this club. But they were often the younger reporters, on the lower rungs of the business. I wasn't always happy about what they wrote -- but they became part of the traveling family, because our lives became intertwined. They ate the same crappy campaign food; they got up at the same early hour; they heard the same speech, over and over. But I honestly got the sense that they were sad to see our campaign end. Anita and I still keep up with 'em. As a matter of fact, we just got a note from one just the other day. I saw one tonight as I came in. So, tonight, I'd like to close not by recognizing you big shots in the business out there -- but all those reporters who are out there workin' - workin' their butts off, worryin' about the future of newspapers, worryin' about whether or not the news budget is gonna be cut. I truly like 'em and respect 'em. And I hope one day those reporters in that caravan following our bus make it to this illustrious dinner -- and are up on that stage, doing those skits and enjoying the rewards of their professional success, like we are tonight."

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Have you ever had sex with Rick Perry?

By Mona Goldwater, Social Mores Editor

The answer to the question in the display ad in the Austin Chronicle turns out to be no.  At least no one has come forward since this ad was posted last August, just after Governor Rick Perry entered the Presidential contest.  The advertiser *may* have had some takers had they, as Larry Flynt has in the past, offered a significant sum of cash for the story. [Ed's note: the advertiser is a Ron Paul supporter.]

At the time the advertisement appeared, publications like Salon duly noted the appearance of the ad, but also said  there is no evidence Perry has ever engaged in an extra-marital affair, as much as his opponents and the left wanted to believe otherwise.  The text in the ad reads, "Are you a stripper, an escort, or just a 'young hottie' impressed by an arrogant, entitled governor of Texas? Contact CASH [Committee Against Sexual Hypocrisy], and we will help you publicize your direct dealings with a Christian-buzzwords-spouting, 'family values' hypocrite and fraud."

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Iowa Republican Caucus Contestants: Huntsman, Bachmann, Gingrich, Romney, Perry, Santorum, and Paul

Illustrations by Jack Brummet, except Newt Gingrich No. 2 (Artist unknown)             

The Govnah

Ron Paul

Newt One

Newt Two

Newt Three

The Hunt

Santo

Hotlips Bachmann

Mittens

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Rick Perry's Presidential quest ends in 53 mortifying seconds

By Pablo Fanque, National Affairs Editor
illustration by Jack Brummet

Rick Perry will drop out of the race in the next ten days.  Even if nothing else goes wrong, his campaign funds will surely dry up beginning a couple hours ago. 

This has to be the most pathetic and humiliating debate appearance I have ever seen, except, possibly, Admiral James Stockdale's performance in his 1992 debate with Al Gore and Dan Quayle.  Stockdale opened the debate by saying, "Who am I? Why am I here?"  His opening drew great mirth and laughter, because the audience seemed to think he was joshing about his obscurity and lack of traditional qualifications for the office.  But as he bumbled through the debate, it became clear he was in way over his head.

Tonight, Governor Rick Perry confirmed what most of us knew and the rest suspected--that, he too, is in way over his head,  For one horrible minute, Perry could not recall the name of a government department he is planning to kill off.  I cringed, and actually felt terribly sorry for him as he tried to grin and chuckle his way through it.  But he couldn't.

"It's three agencies of government when I get there that are gone: commerce, education, and the uh ... what's the third one, there? Let's see." He then said, "The third one. I can't." And he performed an auto-coup-de-grace by then saying "Oops."  Fifteen long, long minutes later he said "By the way that was the department of energy I was reaching for a while ago." 

Herman Cain, who everyone suspected would be "on the barbie" tonight, got off the hook after Perry's pitiful showing. 

Perry knew the damage was incalculable.  He even showed up in the spin-room post-debate (which is normally handled by staffers) and said   "I'm sure glad I had my boots on because I sure stepped in it out there."

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Image: Rick Perry is on fire, but not in the good way

illustration by Jack Brummet

click to enlarge

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Rick Perry For President: Business über alles!

click to enlarge

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The Corn Dog Meme Continues. . .

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Let the cannibalism begin: The Republican/Tea Party Debate!

By Pablo Fanque, National Affairs Editor

Images from Wikipedia Commons. These images are licensed

under the Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license.

Governor Rick Perry, between dashing back and forth between the campaign trail and Texas as fires rage across the state (and asking for aid from President Obama, even though Perry recently said he believes the federal government should only be responsible for highways and defense) is being nudged by both his staff and backers to come across as more presidential.  In short, they feel he needs to be a little less shit-kickin' and a little more politic in his unscripted moments.  He needs to defend his exaggerated Texas "accomplishments,"  and consolidate his sudden rise and growing base—while building on his fast start by bringing voters into the tent from all across the Republican party, from the Tea Party and fundamentalist Christians to the old line party hacks and wardheelers.

 

Representative Michele Bachmann of Minnesota is desperate to combat the growing feeling that the GOP race has contracted into a two-man race between Romney and Perry.  She is on the precipice of becoming irrelevant and needs to inflict serious damage to Rick Perry to convince the far-right and tea-party to stick by her.  Her strategy of non-stop attacks on BHO isn't going to win many votes.  She now needs to go after her opponents.  Likewise, both Romney an Perry need to back off their attacks on Obama, because their real enemies are in their own party (at least for now).

Ex-Governor Mitt Romney needs to--and, more or less has--drop the front-runner B.S. and get ready for serious combat with his fellow Republicans.  Neither his rope-a-dope strategy nor his above the fray stance is working anymore.  We know Mitt is in it for the long-distance fight.  But, in the meantime, he needs to eviscerate Governor Perry by savagely attacking him on his record on immigration, and his much exaggerated claim that he has created thousands of jobs in Texas.

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Governor Rick Perry Presidential Campaign Poster

click to enlarge - poster by Jack Brummet

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Think Progress's "10 things you need to know about Rick Perry"

Via Pablo Fanque, All This Is That National Affairs Editor

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Michele Bachmann politicks and tries out a corn-dog at the Iowa State Fair and Sarah Palin can't resist a photo op

By Jack Brummet, Flyover States Editor & Pablo Fanque, National Affairs Editor

Congresswoman and declared candidate Michele Bachmann has been hanging out in Iowa.  The Queen of Rage, as Newsweek described her in the notorious "crazy eyes" cover article, was in state for the big Straw Poll, and the big GOP/Tea Party Debate last night, at which you could probably say she didn't take on a lot of water, but didn't really make any headway.  However, the rumor-mill says that Pawlenty is considering dropping out, and a disastrous showing in the notorious straw poll may just push him over the edge.

Rep. Bachmann samples a local corn dog at the Iowa

State Fair. On Twitter Mike_FTW  wrote, "Ladies.

Gentlemen. Start your Photoshop engines. "

Ex-Governor Sarah Palin made a high-profile appearance. Of course she did.  It was a high profile GOP/Tea Party week.  And she has been out of the news cycles for two or three weeks.  She told reporters on at the fair on Friday that she had watched the debate on Thursday night and saw nothing that made her think that the Republican field was closed to late entrants.  We agree with her on that point, anyhow.  There's room, because there is maybe one marginally viable candidate. 

We say butt out, Democrats.  Quit rending your garments over Bachmann, Perry, Gingrich and the others.  Let them nominate their Goldwater, say a Rick Perry or Michele Bachmann.  In our own house, we need to decide who our own candidate will be.  At his break-neck fund-raising pace, it seems highly unlikely that BHO will pull an LBJ. But you just never know.

USA Today's web site reports "Sarah Plain caused a media and fan frenzy as they swarmed her from the minute she and her entourage stepped onto the fairgrounds."  She may be coy about whether she will run or not, but she can't resist a media opportunity.




"There is still plenty of room," said Sarah Palin, as she was mobbed by the press. “There is still plenty of room for a common sense conservative,” she said,  once again stirring up speculation that she might after all enter the 2012 fray. 

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Rick Perry's Report Card from Texas A & M (not so good)

By Pablo Fanque, National Affairs Editor with research by Jack Brummet, Editor in Chief

Governor, and Presidential hopeful, Rick Perry did not exactly reach for the stars during his college years at Texas A & M University.  Later in his career there, he did become a student leader.  But he could only do that after he emerged from academic probation.  If you check out the transcript below, you will note that he almost never earned a grade higher than a C in his courses -- a C in U.S. History, D in Shakespeare, and a D in economics. One semester, he even got a C in P.E. 

click transcript to enlarge

The Governor also got shelled in classes in his animal science major.  In fall 1970, he received a D in veterinary anatomy, and flunked a second course on organic chemistry, and took a C in animal breeding. He did receive an A in world military systems and a class called the“Improv. of Learning," which were his only two A's in college. 

"A&M wasn't exactly Harvard on the Brazos River," recalled a Perry classmate in an interview with The Huffington Post. "This was not the brightest guy around. We always kind of laughed. He was always kind of a joke."

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