God's only full recipe

By Jack Brummet, Food Ed.

The Bible contains only one full recipe, which is given to Ezekiel by God:

Ezekiel 4:9 "Take you also to you wheat, and barley, and beans, and lentils, and millet, and fitches, and put them in one vessel, and make you bread thereof…"

Ezekiel 4:12 "And you shall eat it as barley cakes, and you shall bake it with dung that comes out of man."

The Ezekiel bread package does not specify what fuel was used to cook the bread.

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Bible Stories 7/How the Lord Caught Jonah's Attention In The Belly Of The Beast

The LORD called Jonah out one day
To head to Nineveh where "wickedness is on the rise"
Instead of going Jonah hit the bricks

And sailed to Tarshish and hoped the LORD
Wouldn't notice his insubordination
But the LORD sent down a three alarm

Blast of a mighty wind that sucked up
Everything in its path like a King-hell vacuum
And left behind mud rubble and ashes

And roiled a tempest in the sea
So the ship groaned and creaked
Tossed to the top of waves and into the trough

Parts of the boat broke off
The mariners were sorely spooked
And prayed to their gods

They hurled cargo and ballast over the side
So they wouldn't have to fight the boat itself
Jonah was hiding in a closet

And was sleeping when the captain found him
What meanest thou, O sleeper?
Arise and call upon thy God, if you have one

So God will think kindly and we might not perish
The sailors said let us cast lots so that we know
Who did what to bring this evil down around our heads

And when they cast lots the lot fell upon Jonah
Tell us they asked why this evil has befallen us?
Who are you what do you do?

And from what people do you hail?
Jonah said I am a Hebrew and I fear the LORD
Who made the sea and the land

And the men were petrified now and said
What have you done?
They knew he had scampered off

Ducking He who cannot be ducked
What do we do for you to calm the sea for us?
He said toss me into the water

And the sea will be calmed
This typhoon is here because of me
The men rowed like madmen to land the boat

But the sea fought back
We beseech you LORD save us
Why should we go down with the ship

Because Jonah burned you?
They grabbed Jonah and hucked him into the sea
The wind stopped and the water stilled

Until it was as calm as a painted boat
On a painted sea
A great big fish breached the calm waterline

And sucked Jonah into its maw
And Jonah was in the belly of the beast
Three days and nights and prayed to God from the belly

You cast me deep in the midst of the seas
And the water flooded around me
And the billows and Your waves passed over me

My soul fainted within me and I remembered you LORD
I sent out prayers to you
The LORD sent down some celestial Ipecac

And the great big fish vomited Jonah
And he fell upon a sandy beach
And the LORD said one more time

Go to Nineveh that great city
And testify like I told you
Jonah trudged three days to Ninevah

And became the town crier
In forty days he said Nineveh shall be overthrown
So the people of Nineveh took the LORD at his word

From the lowest to the highest
They fasted and put on sackcloth
And tried to make amends

The king of Nineveh rose from his throne
Put on sackcloth quit shaving and and sat in ashes
And he said let neither man nor beast herd nor flock

Taste anything not food or water
Let man and beast be covered with sackcloth
And cry mightily unto God

And turn away from evil
In hopes God will turn away from his fierce anger
And God saw they turned from their evil ways

And God Himself repented of the evil
He said he would do unto them
But it displeased Jonah and he was very angry

When I fled to Tarshish I thought you a gracious God
O LORD take my life from me
For it is better for me to die than to live

The LORD said doest thou well to be angry?
Jonah left the city and sat on the east side of the city
And built a hut so he could see what would become of the city.

The LORD God prepared a gourd
And sent it over Jonah like a shadow to deliver him from grief
And Jonah was glad for the gourd's presence

But the next morning the LORD smote the gourd and it withered
And when the sun did arise God called up an east wind
And the sun beat upon the head of Jonah

And he fainted and wished to die and said
It is better for me to die than to live.
And God said to Jonah are you angry about the gourd?

You have pity on the gourd which you did not make
or labor for and the gourd grew in a night
And perished in a night

And should not I spare the great city Nineveh,
Where there are 120,000 people
That cannot discern between their right hand and their left hand
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Poem: Bible Stories 6/Jesus Walks On Water

After Jesus fed the crowd with the loaf of bread and fishes
He owned that audience
They were buzzing for months

About the amazing chef of all chefs
Who fed five thousand people
With a sack of groceries

His hands just started working
Faster and faster piling up hundreds of fish sandwiches
And he kept up with the crowd walking by

Piling up the heroes on the table even faster
And people came back for seconds and thirds
And when he was done there was more than he started with

The miracles were coming fast and furious now
And he needed to ice his wig down
It just didn't work consorting

With these too mortal disciples
After he'd just raised the dead or fed
A stadium with a loaf of bread and some fish

So Jesus sent the disciples ahead in the boat
And told them he'd catch up later
So the disciples started rowing

And singing foilk songs as they oared
The disciples were bobbing around
Working on their tans and telling whoppers

They pulled the corks on a few bottles
And fished for snapper
When a mighty wind rose up

The boat was thrown back and forth
And flung down into the trough of waves
Now the disciples dropped their bottles and poles

And were boohooing and wetting their pants
It was like Hurricane Bertha times seventy-seven
The wind shrieked and the rain came down in a torrent

The boards creaked and splintered
The boat shuddered and shook and was tossed around
The Sea of Galilee like a rubber duck

All of a sudden someone shouts "Look!"
And off in the distance was a smoky apparation
A great big gaslighted man in a purple robe

Was stomping across the water
And the waves parted before him
When the disciples saw Him

They thought it was a spook
Until he got closer to them
And yelled "Courage!"

"Don't be afraid" and Peter doubted him
"If that's you Lord let me come to you on the water"
And Jesus said "that's right baby! Hop in"

And Peter got out of the boat and started trudging
On the water toward Jesus but he saw the wind and was afraid
He forgot about Jesus and started to sink

'Lord, save me!'
And Jesus snatched up his hand and caught him
'You of little faith,' he said, 'why did you doubt?'"

The hands of grace pulled Peter to safety
And it wasn't so long from then
That Peter would deny even knowing Jesus.
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Poem: Bible stories 5/On The Plain: just a song of Gomorrah

click gomorrah to enlarge


Abram came to a place later known as Bethel
Where, as usual, he built an altar and prayed to the Lord
Lot, Abram's nephew was with him on the range

Abram's shepherds quarreled with Lot's shepherds
There was not enough grass for both their flocks
There was not room for them all in that place

Abram said to Lot: "Let there be no quarrel
Between you and me or your men and my men
We are like brothers to each other

You take the land on the right hand
And I will take the left or if you choose
The left hand, I will take the right."

Abram, was the older and could claim the first choice
And God had promised all the land to Abram
So he might have said to Lot "Go away, this is all mine"

But Abram showed a kind heart
And gave Lot his choice of the land
Lot looked over the land from the mountain

Where they were standing
And saw down in the valley the river Jordan
Flowing between the rich soil of the green fields

He saw Sodom and Gomorrah out on the plain
Near the mouth of the Jordan
Where it flows into Dead Sea

And Lot said "I will go down yonder to the plain"
He took his tents and his men and flocks of sheep and cattle
Leaving the land on the mountains to Uncle Abram

Lot may not have known that Sodom
Held the wickedest people in the land
But he went to live near them

And gradually moved his tent closer and closer
To Sodom until he was living in that wicked city
After Lot separated from Abram, God said to Abram:

"Lift up your eyes from this place, and look
East and west north and south
All the land that you can see

All the mountains and valleys and plains
I give to you and your children
And their children and those who come after them

Rise up, and walk through the land--it is all yours"
Abram moved his tent from Bethel and went to live
Near the city of Hebron in the south

Under an oak tree
Where he once again
Built an altar to the Lord.
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Poem: Bible Stories 4/The story of a long long journey

The workers abandoned Babylon's tower
When the languages became such a tangled
Mass of confetti that no one understood anyone
And off in Chaldea was another city called Ur
Where the Euphrates and Tigris merge
Abram lived in Ur and Abram was God's boy
He prayed and tried to do right by The Lamplighter
But the people of Ur prayed to wood idols
They thought could hear their prayers
They did not call on God and lived a wicked life
Breaking the ten commandments was sport in Ur
If they weren’t drunk they were high
Fornication abounded and thievery thrived
No one would tell the truth if a lie was handy
They worshipped scat and had sex with the beasts
They killed they maimed and blinded and amnputated
God did not want Abram's family in such a place
For they too might become wicked
And God said
Gather your family Abram and go out from this place
Far far away to a place I will show you
Where your family will become a great people
And I will bless you and make your name great
Do as I command
And the families of earth
Will obtain a blessing through you
After many years and even more begetting Abram's family
Became the Israelites and Abram's family
Would one day bless the world with Jesus
But Abram was still unsure what the blessing would be
And yet he obeyed God and marched off
To an unknown land with his family
His very old father Terah and his wife Sarai
His brother Nahor and his wife and nephew Lot
Abram took his tents flocks of sheep and herds of cattle
On a long journey to a land
Of which he did not even know the name
He journeyed far up the Euphrates
To the mountains and a country called Mesopotamia
Which means between the rivers
At Haran they stopped there because Terah
Was too old to take one more step
And they stayed until Terah passed on
Abram's brother Mahor stayed in Haran
With his family and children and children's children
Abram and Lot turned toward the southwest
And journeyed past the mountains and the great desert
Until they came into the land of Canaan
Of which God had spoken to Abram
This land would become Israel
Abram and his people did not go
Into the towns to live
But lived in tents in open fields
Where they could find grass for their sheep and cattle
Not far from a city called Shechem Abram set up his tent
Under an oak tree on the plain
The Lord came to Abram, and said
I give this land to your children and to their children
And this shall be their land forever
And Abram built an altar and burned an offering
Letting Big Daddy know I'm with you Chief
All the way to the gates of Hell!
And he worshipped the Lord
Wherever Abram set up his tent he built an altar
And prayed to God because Abram was God's boy.
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Poem: Bible Stories 3/The Big Boat

click to enlarge Noah's ark

Abel he took his act to another dusty land
God gave Adam and Eve another child they named him Seth
Their children proceeded to fill the earth
Sons daughters aunts nephews cousins uncles second cousins
sisters brothers nieces third cousins stepbrothers stepsisters
It was an orgy of fruitfulness and everyone was madly begetting
After many years presiding over this begetting Adam and Eve died
Because they had alas partaken of the forbidden apple
By the time they died all the begetting begetting more begetting filled
Their corner of the earth as the children's children had more children
And the children’s children’s children had even more children
And since men and women lived to be 900 years old
That corner of the earth was now filled with wicked people
In that corner of the earth was where Adam's sons and their wives lived
And few of the progeny of all that begetting grew up to become good
It came to pass that even the children of good men and women
Turned to the dark side and God looked down on the evil in his world
In the hearts of the men and women and saw some good people left
And the best of all of them was Enoch from the family of Seth
Enoch did only what was right and walked and talked with God
Enoch was lock stock and barrel God’s boy up front
When Enoch was 365 years old God took him to heaven
Because God just couldn’t wait 600 more years for him
And scooped him up from earth without dying
Enoch left a son Methuselah who lived to be 969 years old
But at last even old Methuselah died And God looked down and said that's it
For men and women because their evil has become first nature
Noah tried to do right for God and he too walked and talked with God
And God said to Noah the time has come when every living on earth
Will be destroyed but you and your family will be saved
Because now it's you alone who try to do right to your fellow women and men
God told Noah to build a big boat and said I am going to flood
The earth and drown all the people and animals
So you must make the ark large enough to hold each animal there is
So animals as well as men may live upon the earth
After the flood and Noah did what God asked
And built a great ark on dry land where there was no water for it to sail
People whispered he's gone crackers and made the cuckoo sign
As Noah and his sons built the ark the wicked people laughed
But after 120 years the ark was finished and stood like a castle on the land
God said to Noah get you and yours into the ark—it's coming down starting now
So Noah his wife and his sons Shem Ham and Japheth and their wives
Climbed into the ark and God led animals birds and creeping things
To the door of the ark and they went into the ark
And Noah and his sons shut the door and battened down the hatches
So no more people or animals could come in as the thunder began
At first it was just rain but then a sprinkle became a drizzle a shower and a torrent
The rivers rose higher and higher and the ark began to float on the water
People left their houses and ran to the hills but soon the hills were covered
For forty days and nights the rain kept on the water kept rising and rising
Climbing up the mountains until even Mt. Everest was beneath the water
And there was no sign of life outside of the ark
After forty days the rain stopped and God sent a wind to dry the waters
Finally the ark ceased to float and settled on the ground on Mt. Ararat
But Noah could not see what had happened on the earth
Because the door was shut and the window was in the roof
He knew that the water must have gone down and sent out a dove
That evening the dove came back to the ark and in its bill was a fresh leaf
He sent the dove later and the dove flew away and never came back
Noah knew that the earth was becoming dry again
So he took off a part of the roof and looked out and saw dry land
Noah and family had lived in the ark more than a year
And was glad to see the green land and the trees once more
God said to Noah: Come out of the ark
With your wife and your sons and their wives and all the living things
That are with you in the ark and so Noah opened the door
Of the ark and with his family came out with all the animals
And the birds and creeping things in the ark came out also
And began again to fly swim wiggle crawl and stomp on the earth
Noah gave thanks to God when he came out of the ark
For saving all his family and the animals and for just being God
He built an altar, and laid upon it an offering to the Lord,
He dedicated himself and his family to God, and promised to do God's will.
God said: No flood shall again cover the earth and you now rule
The air and the waters and the ground and every living thing
Upon the face of the earth and then God caused a rainbow to appear in the sky
And told Noah that when they see a rainbow they should remember
God hung rainbows in the sky to remind us there will be no more floods.
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