A Salute to William Henry Harrison, The President who died before he could do too much damage

By Pablo Fanque,
All This Is That National Affairs Editor


click to enlarge

William Henry Harrison (February 9, 1773 – April 4, 1841) was the ninth President of the United States. He had earlier been a Governor (of the Indiana Territory) and later as a U.S. Representative and Senator from Ohio. He first gained fame as an "Indian fighter," where he acquired the nickname Old Tippecanoe. When he took office, he was the oldest President ever, until Ronald Reagan's inauguration. He belong to the Whig party.

Harrison is probably best remembered for dying after a month in office. I can think of a few other Presidents I wished had followed his lead on that. His death threw the country into a constitutional crisis, from which we ultimately developed the Presidential succession protocols outlined in with 25th Amendment.
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Story: The Captain's Pants

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on, however, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?" The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence marvelling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, ten of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"

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Painting: Link a/k/a Abraham Lincoln

click Link to enlarge...

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Mystery solved: where did the hilarious "taffy piper" audio track come from?

I first heard an audio clip of this on Luke Burbank's show Too Beautiful To Live. I finally found out where it's from, thanks to Joe Bonar. Here is a clip of the piece from the MTV program Human Giant. . .

Human Giant - Montana Meth - watch more funny videos

If the embedded player doesn't work, jump here to watch the video.

Four takes:

• methamphetamines, ice crank, some even call it the devil's drug, angel, drizzle, some even call it hell's snowflake,
  
  
• methamphetamines, asian ladies, gene wilder's screaming ball sack on a fireboat in lake chunky
  
  
• methamphetamines, purple puppy penises, the worst sunburn you'll ever have,
  
  
• taffy pipers, the baby's got a tummyache, slinky pies, dinosaur cheerleaders, hairstyles for hobos, smokable graham crackers, hey I found some change in the sofa, a hopeless sandwich with a despair pickle on the side, dentures for crocodiles, pilgrim food, tummy tumblers, tie-dyed lobster bibs...

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Video: Bobby Bare Jr. and Sr. perform their Grammy winning his "Daddy What If" (with lyrics)

I saw Bobby Bare, Jr. last Friday in Ballard (click here to read the story). This is a video and song he did with his poppa, Bobby Bare, some thirty years earlier. Wow.

Daddy What If

By Bobby Bare

(Daddy what if the sun stop shinin' what would happen then)
If the sun stopped shinin' you'd be so surprised
You'd stare at the heavens with wide open eyes
And the wind would carry your light to the skies
And the sun would start shinin' again
(Daddy what if the wind stopped blowin' what would happen then)
If the wind stopped blowin' then the land would be dry
And your boat wouldn't sail son and your kite wouldn't fly
And the grass would see your troubles and she'd tell the wind
And the wind would start blowin' again
(But daddy what if the grass stopped growin' what would happen then)
If the grass stopped growin' why you'd probably cry
And the ground would be watered by the tears from your eyes
And like your love for me the grass would grow so high
Yes the grass would start growin' again
(But daddy what if I stopped lovin' you what would happen then)
If you stopped lovin' me then the grass would stop growin'
The sun would stop shinin' and the wind would stop blowin'
So you see if you wanna keep this old world a goin'
You better start lovin' me again again you better start lovin' me again
You hear me Bobby you better start lovin' me again
You love me Bobby you better start lovin' me again
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Music Video: The Talking Heads perform Slippery People

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Ted Stevens escapes the hangman's noose and the hunters become the hunted

illustration by jack brummet

By Pablo Fanque
All This Is That National Affairs Editor

The Justice Department moved today to drop all charges against former Senator and current douchebag Ted Stevens of Alaska, who just barely lost his seat last year after being convicted on seven felony counts of ethics violations.

Stevens faced serious prison time over the charges. But the judge, Emmet Sullivan, has been reluctant to stick him in the hoosegow, because of the earlier accusations of prosecutorial misconduct.

In an utterly depressing and incredible new development (about which rumors have bounced around for months), Justice Department lawyers told a federal court that they had discovered yet another instance of prosecutorial misconduct (it must have been egregious!) in the case and asked that the convictions be voided. Attorney General Eric F. Holder Jr. said that "in the interests of justice," there would be no new trial.

And, now, the hunters become the hunted (there may be a little justice after all). It appears that at least some of the prosecutors who tried Stevens on ethics charges would now face ethics charges themselves and be sent to a "don't drop your soap" federal prison.
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Drawing: A jury of your peers

click to enlarge

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Inanimate Love: Guys having sex with lamp-posts, signs, picnic tables, park benches. and cars

By Pablo Fanque,
All This Is That National Affairs Editor


Hey Joe, you looking for a date?

Illustration from our Enumclaw horse story published here two years ago.

• This posting actually is about national affairs. . .in the broadest sense. As it turns out, however, Americans and The Brits. do not just have sex with other people, and in some cases, animals [1], but, as we wrote about earlier, even sex with ghosts, and a host of everyday, and seemingly not all that sexy, inanimate objects.

A cedar picnic table - one man's idea of a great date

The picnic table guy

• "American caught having sex with picnic table" reports The Telegraph, just two days ago. Police said that Art Price Jr was seen copulating with furniture on four separate mornings, most recently on March 14 when a neighbour recorded it as evidence.

The sign guy

• Police say videotapes they found when the above, unnamed, sign guy was arrested pictured all manner of weird stuff, but cogent to the present article, were hundreds of hours of tapes of the man defiling street signs, as well as actually having sex with the earth itself.
  
• With a bicycle! A Scottish man, Robert Stewart, was discovered by two maids having sex with his bicycle in a hotel room.
  

The Bike Guy - I can explain everything!

"I'm leaning on the lamp-post on the corner of the street"

• Schoolchildren and women witnessed a 32 year old man in England having sex with a lamp-post. He was arrested and charged "on suspicion of outraging public decency. "

• Another Brit was charged with having sex with a bench. He got lucky. His penis became stuck, and a crew had to come to free him from the bench. "If it had taken another hour, we would have had to amputate his penis."
  
  
  

• Cars! A Washington State resident (not me)--Edward Smith--claims to have had sex with over 1,000 automobiles.

The Car Dude (not The car dude; a car dude)

[1] A case only last week: ABC Action News. reports that Caroline Willette, 53, enjoyed a three-way with two dogs. She sent a CD with the images to an acquaintance, who turned it over to The Heat. Willette admitted to detectives that she had sex with the animals in her home as well as watched young girls perform sex acts on the Internet.

Shades Of The Enumclaw Beastiality Case-- A Spanaway, Wash. Man Is Accused Of Having Sex With A Pit Bull
Not now deer! Wisconsin man punished for necrophilia and beastiality--at the same time!
Photograph: Chicken Love Tragedy - A Cautionary Tale of Beastiality in Iberia
Further ruminations on Enumclaw
Horsin' around: update on Enumclaw
Another shocking revelation
Beastiality in south King County
The final horse/beastiality update
Enumclaw Story To Become A Movie
Seattle Horse Sex Film Is Selected For Sundance!
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Five images of Abraham Lincoln

click to enlarge

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Bobby Bare, Jr. at The Sunset Tavern in Ballard

We saw an awesome show last night at the Sunset Tavern in our neighborhood. My sister in law is a long time fan of Bobby. I knew his dad's music. In fact, I thought that who we were going to see, although I thought it mighty strange he was playing at the grungy but beloved Sunset Tavern. Like some other alt country folk, Bobby has a twisted sense of humor. Bobby stopped in Seattle after touring with Son Volt, and playing at Austin's SXSW. From a recent review in the Baeble blog:

"Blown to New York on a carefree combination of crude oil chords, and sweet summer melodies, Bobby Bare delivers the kind of take on authentic country blues and southern rock that lets the whiskey running through your blood do its job. Humid and hazy at times, fearlessly grungy at others, Bare brought the region that bred him to the Bowery's stage. Whether lamenting for a Flat-Chested Woman in two-part harmony, moaning and whaling like a real singing cowboy, or rolling through rock and roll barn burners, Bobby and his band rollicked like a southern fried Guided By Voices. "

Bobby Bare, Jr. , 43, has recorded several solo albums, along with two major label albums with his band, Bare, Jr., (1998 and 2000) and his new, loosely-confederated band, the Young Criminals Starvation League. Last night he released a DIY album, American Bread, consisting of him covering songs by Bread and America. You get the feeling Bobby is just barely keeping it together, and yet he is sweet and funny on stage.

Bare is the son of country musician Bobby Bare. In 1974 — when Bobby Jr. was eight — they were both nominated for a Grammy for the song "Daddy What If."

He plays now with the Young Criminals Starvation League, a constantly-changing group of musicians who have released three studio albums, an EP, and a live album. Bobby will be at the Sunset Tavern again this coming Friday, for an early show. Get tickets early--last night's sold out.
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Having sex with The President - Justine Lai's paintings

Justine Lai is creating a series of paintings in which she paints herself "having sex with the Presidents of the United States in chronological order. I am interested in humanizing and demythologizing the Presidents by addressing their public legacies and private lives."

Check out her work in progress here.
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